Get a haircut, and get a real Jong

UPDATE: So, it looks like this story’s the product of wishful thinking by lazy Asia-based news correspondents looking for a break from the search for Malaysian Flight 370. North Korean males don’t have to imitate Kim Jong-un’s white walls. They only have to keep their hair short for “socialist style,” which is weird because our socialists are usually the ones who grow it long.

North Korea is truly a mystery, as is Miley Cyrus, who got the Kim Jong-un haircut anyway.

On the plus side, at least something's going in the university students' bowls that isn't Ramen.
On the plus side, at least something’s going in the university students’ bowls that isn’t Ramen.

When it comes to world leaders, the Kims of North Korea would be the most hilarious dynasty since the Bushes if their lavish madness didn’t require 25 million people to subsist on it and grass soup.

Fortunately, starving university students can now eat their hair. Sources reported to Radio Free Asia that Supreme Leader (oh, mercy) Kim Jong-un has further restricted male haircuts for college students from 10 to one: his.

Some students are worried, though, that Kim’s haircut is too “particular,” in that not everyone has the head and facial shape to support the windswept Moe. That this is their concern and not the gradual reduction of even the most basic forms of self-expression proves that, no matter where they go to school and no matter what they study, male college students are always concerned with girls and sex.

Freshmen don’t know everything already?

College is about to begin, which means it’s time for the annual Beloit College Mindset List. Every year, Beloit College composes a list of technology, fads and people that incoming freshmen never learn about because high schools spend an entire month on the Civil War* and a week on everything after World War II.

This year’s freshmen, the Class of 2014, for instance doesn’t use email because it’s too slow and generally requires something more substantial to write about than today’s lunch. They also don’t know:

  • Snoop Dogg’s middle name (Doggy).
  • How Clint Eastwood’s “tour de force” as an old, violent racist gun nut in Gran Turino was just a reprisal of Dirty Harry where he didn’t have to run so much.
  • That communism was once an entrenched and very real threat hiding behind a wall in Berlin, not just the side effect of Glenn Beck’s masturbation guilt today.
  • That Band-Aids were once only sold in a universal peach-colored shade that matched everyone’s skin. Now they have to prove that Band-Aids are for everyone–black, white or green–by selling black, white and green ones.

Good luck with this bunch, professors.


*A whole month, yet they never learn it was about slavery.

Oh, it’s illegal? Good to know

Attention Tennessee college students: your state government would like to remind you that it is illegal to download copyrighted material without the permission of the owner. All that music and movies you’ve been stealing? Yeah, the state’s not gonna tolerate that kind of bamboozling any further.

And by the state not tolerating, they mean that your school is not gonna tolerate it and will install effective countermeasures on their networks to curb all illegal file transfers.

SG does not have the details on each school’s plan, but suggests you talk to the underpaid — with $600 semester book bills — student IT staff members who will be in charge of creating RIAA-friendly filters.

Side Note:
You know who never gets government protection from piracy? Porn. What’s up with that?

Be glad it was only PvP and not ClanvP

Slowly but surely, news related to World of Warcraft has made its way onto our headlines. Thanks, crazy people. You’re the best. Even more so when you’re from Australia.

Oh my. What a coincidence. I just happen to know of a story that has both topics related to it. I better talk about it.

….and one clever segue later, an Australian student stabbed a friend in the head and nearly severed one his fingers during a fight about the volume of a World of Warcraft gaming session. No, really.

The university student was at a friend’s home last night with four friends playing World of Warcraft when the fight started. The student told the court that the fight was spurred by an argument about the volume of the other man’s computer. During the fight, Zhenghao Shen allegedly stabbed the victim in the head with a chef’s knife, gashing his head, and nearly left him with one less digit.

Sadly, the victim was not wearing a cloak of +8 protection. Though, I’m morbidly delighted in finding out what Shen was yelling out while stabbing. Perhaps something akin to “Leroy Jenkins?”

There’s always room for v-i-o-l-e-n-c-e

Girls fighting in kiddie pools full of gelatin is usually a sober, dignified affair, but one sore loser at a Cambridge University contest had to go and spoil the dignity of the occasion by punching out a few spectators. Hey, this is Cambridge jelly wrestling—show some respect! People, take it from a professional who knows how to carry himself with dignity regarding a hallowed event such a Jell-O wrestling, it’s just not worth it to fight over water and colored agar gel.

Now, pudding wrestling, I can understand fists and feet being thrown over a decision in that.