Taking the piss out of calling beer ‘piss’

And then pour it on barley … but don’t drink that cocktail!

The average temperature of the Earth is rising, as are the oceans from heat expansion and melting polar ice. And now we’re recycling urine for drinking. Oh, to live in the universe where Waterworld was the top grossing summer blockbuster of 1995 and we took sustainable steps to prevent climate change.

Instead, here we are, learning to make beer from piss, probably so we can forget about our nearly entirely plastic island in the Pacific.

A Danish brewer used barley fertilized with processed urine collected from a music festival to brew Pisner, a pilsner beer. The beer itself contains no urine, despite all the stout- and porter-lovers’ claims that it might taste like it. Denmark’s Agriculture and Food Council is using it as proof of concept for the terrible, urine-soaked world of our future where everything is grown with fewer resources.

So, thanks, critics and theater goers of 1995 who didn’t make Waterworld the global wake-up call it should have been. Especially if you did go see Avatar multiple times — a blatant rip-off of Kevin Costner’s other opus, Dances with Wolves.

In short, we all owe Mr. Costner a beer.

Update: People are the worst

“Only you can stop starting forest fires. Or peeing in the pool. Seriously. Stahp.”

As a species, we humans live in a constant state of denial. We’re programmed that way. For instance, an observable phenomenon known as Dunning-Kruger effect causes us to inflate how great we are to avoid depression, resulting in not understanding why we take bad pictures or sound weird in voicemail. (It’s because that’s how everyone else hears/sees us, please stop singing.)

This level of denial also applies to things that we definitely do, but would never cop to. Well, the science is in and, yep, we’re awful.

Lest anyone tries to deny peeing in the pool: we’re busted. Everyone knows now. We all thought it was the perfect crime — everyone’s wet, bathing suits don’t show pee, anything amiss is killed by chlorine … except artificial sweeteners. And they’re in everything, not just diet soda. You’re not fooling anyone, person who hasn’t left the pool for six hours except for new beers, and the chlorine smell is only getting stronger to kill your foul excretions.

Also, we’re the ones setting most forest fires. And not like just over half of them, and the other half is droughts, wind and Jerry Bruckheimer’s production logo. Five out of six forest fires — 84 percent — are started by us. We’re doing it so much that we stretched that normal 46 days per year of nature claiming California homes to 154 days, every year. Smokey’s too busy fighting the Trump administration, people. This one’s on us.

So, yeah. It’s time to face facts: people may overwhelmingly mean well, but we don’t act that way.

To boldly go where no one has gone before

We're proposing the twenty-turd century solution: beaming it directly from the colon and bladder into President-elect Trump's gold toilet.
We’re proposing the twenty-turd century solution: beaming it directly from the colon and bladder into President-elect Trump’s gold toilet.

The history of human space exploration is a saga of ingenuity, of smart men and women solving problems based on a limited understanding of the unknown with only a handful of observations and a lot of math. And yet, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration was forced to admit that it still hasn’t potty trained your average spacewalker. That, when we send our best and brightest up into the yonder to reach out and touch the face of god, it’s often with a fully loaded adult diaper.

So, if you can think of a better way to either store or dispose of 2.5 ounces of sh*t and a liter of piss every day for 6 days, then you clearly have the right stuff. It must work in an airtight escape suit, work hands-free and not sacrifice the astronaut’s air supply — either the actual air they breathe or Air Supply’s “All Out of Love” that plays on a constant loop in every space helmet.

Part of the issue is that NASA has been holding this problem in for way too long, and  they’re getting ready to take a very long trip to Mars. Diapers have worked for now in low Earth orbit, mostly because home and a new pair of pants has always been less than a day away. But, the further away you get, the longer astronauts may have to spend in spacesuits should, say, life support go offline.

NASA will give the winner up to (no sh*t) turdy-thousand dollars for their design. There’s apparently no prize for number two, though.

Coming to a pint glass near you: Beer made from urine

Finally, the only flaw in "Waterworld" has been fixed.
Finally, the only flaw in “Waterworld” has been fixed.

Move over, cockroach milk. There’s a new trendy beverage in town.

A lot of mass-produced beer is compared to carbonated piss. The very literal scientists at the University of Ghent in Belgium have done just that. They have brewed a beer made from urine, in a process they call, and this is true, “sewer to brewer.”

A solar-powered machine is able to extract drinkable water from urine, which they hope to use as a water conservation method in rural and drought-stricken areas. To show off their invention, the Belgian scientists brewed a beer with the water they recovered.

This means that breaking the seal may be a good thing.

Pee in the shower, save the planet

If you don’t pee in the shower, it may be time to start, according to some recent calculations.

Basically, you’re in the shower already, so that’s water you’re using regardless. But if you also pee while taking a shower, you are saving the world a toilet flush. That one less flush can add up, and it can save us all some water.

It should be noted that these calculations completely ignore the fact that if you pee in the shower you are a terrible person.

Standing while peeing is not a crime, judge says

Stand tall, men–especially when you pee. We’ve won a victory in Germany, the bastion of dudes-sit-down-to-peeism.

In Dusseldorf, Germany, a judge has sided with a man who sued his landlord over withholding part of his security deposit. The landlord said that because the tenant, a man, who thus stands when he needs to make water, peed while upright, some of the splashes of uric acid that got on the marble ate away at the stone. The judge found that the tenant was not at fault. Stand up for your rights, men!

Bonus fun: In Germany guys who stand while they pee are called stehpinklers, and those who relinquish their birthrights and sit are called sitzpinklers. Germans have words for everything.

Just because you can doesn’t mean you should

  • Yes, you can live in the state of Washington. That doesn’t mean you should.
  • Yes, you can legally eat at Old Country Buffet. That doesn’t mean you should.
  • Yes, you can legally drink your own pee. That doesn’t mean you should.
  • Yes, you can do all three of the above things together. That doesn’t mean you should ever, ever, EVER do them. Any of them. Especially the third.

Draining the monster causes drain of reservoir

Portland would rather waste a precious resource than be honest with people.

On Wednesday, a teenager broke into one of the city’s reservoirs and peed in it, because it’s kind of funny. He was caught on security camera, and the city’s water bureau announced it will dump all 38 million gallons of drinking water in the reservoir because it would never “purposely serve tainted H2O to the public.”

The definition of “tainted” seems to be a little off, here. On a heavy day, an adult will pee roughly half a gallon in one day–mind you, that’s not all at once, unless you’re really been holding it. But let’s just say this kid killed a lot of beer, that would mean if you took a glass of water from the reservoir, it would be one-76 millionth pee. You can’t even spill that small of an amount. Your local beach has more pee in it.

This also assumes that this reservoir is located in a magical place where birds and other animals never pee or poop, because that would mean the Portland Water Bureau was purposely serving “tainted” water. Folks, no matter where you live, there is pee in the water you use to drink, cook and bathe. We recommend drinking beer instead. The hipsters in Portland drink piss water, anyway.

Pizza Hut tries to relieve itself, customers

Everything is fine now ... so long as you don't ask how they "stuffed" the crust.
Everything is fine now … so long as you don’t ask how they “stuffed” the crust.

A Pizza Hut district manager was relieved of duties after relieving himself in the wash sink of the chain’s Kermit, West Virginia site. Pizza Hut swears that urine is not one of their toppings and that they in no way trained the manager to do that.

According to public relations guru Peter Himler, things may be looking cloudy for the Hut now, but that he doubts “this will have a long-term negative affect on Pizza Hut’s reputation.” Given enough time — and water — and Pizza Hut will be in the clear again.

In a separate news conference, Papa Johns said that it not only pees in all of their sinks, but that their urine is better and all natural, adding, “Better ingredients, better peestream: Papa Johns.”

When life gives you urine, make robots

"Low ... power ... Need .. more ... urrrrrrrr ..."
“Low … power … Need .. more … urrrrrrrr …

If it weren’t for urine, life would certainly suck for the Bristol Robotics Laboratory.

We should explain that.

The lab originally developed the EcoBot, which runs on the corpses of insects that it traps. This seemed like a practical idea … to anyone who hasn’t wasted $6 on a Venus Flytrap, only to see it dead in a week. There just aren’t enough flies to keep it running, not even if you design the robot’s collection nozzle or whatever to look like the eye of one of those starving kids from the Sally Struthers ads.

(Tangent: What happened to those kids? Were they fed to the Sarah McLachlan dogs, or are they all working tech support now?)

So, they developed an alternate fuel after what we assume was a very fun night out on the town: urine. Not just urine, but urine pumped through an artificial heart. And all it took was one scientist saying he had to pee so bad that his blood smelled like lager and asparagus. We assume, anyway.

Special thanks to Patrick H. for bringing this to our attention!