Guys get vasectomies during March Madness so wives leave them alone

It’s March Mental Illness Awareness Month, and that means college basketball and illegal gambling on it. We hope your bracket is still intact, and your manhood is recovering nicely.

Apparently some urologists report seeing a big increase in vasectomies this time of year, and they believe it’s because of March Madness. The doctors say many men schedule their vasectomies now so they can sit around watching basketball and be free of harassment. This is ingenious, if it really is a nationwide trend. Not only do you get your wife to leave you alone, but you can get a few days of paid medical leave while you recover.

We made it through that whole thing without making a ball joke. Look at us.

Finally: a perk to insurance-covered birth control

If you’ve been on the fence about getting a vasectomy, would a free pizza help sway you?

Urology Associates of Cape Cod has a limited time offer for one free pizza if you get your vasectomy through them in March. The promotion is timed to coincide with the NCAA March Madness basketball tournament, a time which doctors from the Cleveland Clinic claim to see a 50 percent increase in vasectomies.

Other clinics across the nation are offering copies of Sports Illustrated, 3D glasses, T-shirts (“He got this vasectomy, and all I got was an empty pizza box”) and bags of frozen peas to the man who has it all disconnected from his balls.

They believe men intentionally choose March so they can get a few days off of work to watch the tournament, guilt-(and baby-)free.

The only drawback to this plan? You can only do it once.

Making your cat a better lover

There are two kinds of medical research: the kind that develops cures for diseases for the betterment of humanity, and then there’s the boner meds that pay for the loftier former.

Since this is a SeriouslyGuys post, we’re addressing your Johnson & Johnson.

Researchers have discovered a spray that could prevent premature ejaculation. That’s their phrasing. Really, it’s delaying normal ejaculation, because it’s not like the premature ejaculate goes away.

The spray incorporates lidocaine and prilocaine, so when applied to the penis it should not only reduce sensitivity for longer lovemaking, but also judo board-breaking and snake wrestling. If, however, it is applied to the eyes, then ejaculation is postponed indefinitely.

Dr Ira Sharlip, clinical professor of urology at the University of California said he got the idea from training cats.

Testy teens go nuts over balls

And to round out the week of alarming, destructive teenager behavior, here’s a new fad recently uncovered by hip reporters and an even hipper pediatric urologist: “sack tapping.”

Yes, sack tapping or–in places where they call soda “pop”–ball tapping: the testosterone-reducing game of slapping and flicking the testicles of others.

Urologists are noticing more and more ruptured and outright crushed testicles bouncing lifelessly into their exam rooms. They’re now trying to educate young men, warning them that the injuries sustained during the game often result in amputation and even Hitler.

So, as the article asks, “Why [the f#@king s&$t] would boys do that to each other?” Funny you should ask, because University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research might have the answer.

Doctor prefers Republican penises

Dr. Jack Cassell of Florida (where else?) put a sign on his door: “If you voted for Obama … seek urologic care elsewhere.”

Cassell defended his sign, saying that he’s not actively turning patients away, “but if they read the sign and turn the other way,” then it f#%king worked. So, if you disagree with the pee-pee doctor’s politics, then you’re just gonna have to care for your new Candiru yourself.

Personally, we applaud Cassell’s efforts. It’s not every day that a doctor let’s you know he’s lousy at his profession before you even walk in the door. That’s service.