The Navy wants to protect a porpoise we’ve nearly finished off

It’s been a while since we talked about the U.S. Navy’s trained dolphins. We covered their deployment through the announced ending of the trained mammal program. Looks like these trained dolphin warriors aren’t done yet.

The Navy’s trained dolphins are going to be deployed for a purpose completely contrary to our interests. They will find and protect the last of an endangered species of porpoises. The Navy has offered to help Mexican researchers find their vaquita porpoises in a conservation effort. That means that we’re so close to finishing off these things, and our own military wants to aid a foreign enemy.

We thought we’d never see the day.

Navy designing robot to run in front of your car

The U.S. Navy is building robots, which isn’t exactly news. But the robots were kept to operations in the water, which fortunately isn’t where humanity lives. But now things are changing.

We have recently learned that the Navy is working on a robot squirrel–no, not a sea squirrel, which we assume is a thing. This robot is going to walk on land. The military said if successful, the robot would be used for reconnaissance. That’s right, the Navy is developing a robot based on the most annoying mammal in the world, and plans to use it to spy on people.

We’re beginning to wonder if the Navy is secretly run by animals.

Robo-fish are going to spy on you

We’ve all known about the U.S. Navy’s trained dolphins, sea lions and other animals. Now it looks like they are finally moving away from arming our animal foes. That’s the good news. The bad news is that they are building robots instead.

The Navy’s Office of Naval Research is developing a remote controlled robot that looks like a tuna. They want to use it to spy on enemy harbors, but most likely not to be used to collect information on other tuna, which seems like the best use.

Then, of course, there’s also the risk of the robo-fish becoming self-aware, and turning on us. The last thing we need in the War on Animals is a double-agent tuna.

The dolphin arms race heats up

Guess what, America? Russia now has attack dolphins that it stole from Ukraine. That just makes the War on Animals even more complicated. We’ve covered military dolphins before.

This puts us in a strange situation. We don’t like that the U.S. Navy has trained animals how to kill us, but if the Russians have such technology, it makes sense that we should, too. In fact, if Russian dolphins ever attack, the U.S. can deploy its arsenal of dolphins, whales, seals, sea lions, sharks and birds to fend them off.

But what about those screendoors?

As we’ve reported before, submarines are a relatively new technology that the U.S. Navy’s still perfecting 100 years later. Just last February, it dawned on our fairer military branch that women are a natural fit–both literally and olfactorally–in subs.

Now they’re starting to wonder if smoking in a submerged sub is a really good idea.

Due to health concerns about second-hand smoke in an enclosed space with recycled air, the Navy’s finally rectifying this with an order, effective December 31, 2010.

So, to sum this decision up: it’s important, should have been instituted years ago and can wait until next year’s Resolutions.

Lady sailors make perfect seamen

It’s hard to believe, but the U.S. Navy’s been using submarines for over 100 years, and they just now thought to put women in them.

It took this long because some people have always thought that it’s not a good idea, especially because of “hot bunking,” where sailors sleep in the same bed in shifts to save space and because the subs have to be manned 24 hours, anyway.

But, this is a prime example of why submarines need women: the “hot” bunks will smell better. It’s either station women on subs or stock the showers with Herbal Essences.

And not just the bunks, either, because we’re also talking about recycled air here. Everyone knows women don’t fart, and their poops are modest and have no more odor than freshly baked crescent rolls. They sweat less and, if folded correctly, take up less space than an Ab-Lounger, which is important in a sub’s cramped insides.

(Speaking of conditions women handle better than men: cramped insides.)

Basically, women make the perfect seamen, especially underwater.

The problem with subs

If there’s one thing the U.S. can’t abide, it’s being showed up by their European counterparts. After a U.S. and Russian satellite collision, Olde Wyrlde rivals, the British and the French, kicked it old school and collided a couple of submarines.

If there’s one thing this country persists in, it’s our Navy! (Official motto: “200 years of tradition, unimpeded by progress!”) Americans won’t just sit back and let our backwards cousins to the East relive the technological adventures of the 19th century alone. We’ve followed up with not just a sub collision, but a sub colliding into a state-of-the-art amphibious troop carrier!

OK, so maybe these sub collisions aren’t intentional. If so, then maybe it’s time to make them a little less stealth? For the safety of sailors everywhere?

Victory in the courts at long last!

The Guys would like to thank all of you who turned out with us to picket the U.S. Supreme Court over the past month. We are pleased to announce that the court has ruled in our favor, which means the U.S. Navy can use its radar during training missions, regardless of how many whales, dolphins and porpoises are killed (and we hope that it is many).

The species traitors at the Natural Resources Defense Council argued that the solar posed a threat to marine mammals, who would hear the radar and become disoriented and probably die or something. As we have chronicled, the case has been bouncing around the legal system for more than a year. Finally, justice has been service in a 5-4 vote.

From the court decision:
“Of course, military interests do not always trump other considerations, and we have not held that they do. In this case, however, the proper determination of where the public interest lies does not strike us as a close question.”

We’re not really sure what “peace” the judges are talking about. This nation is at war with the beasts. However, we’ll take a decision in our favor any day.