Tag: usa today

Happiness is a state (no, really)

The CDC has conducted a survey over the past four years, poling (heh) over 1.3 million people to learn if they’re happy. (Before you suddenly fiscal conservatives go crazy, remember: four years ago.)

Organized by state, it appears that Louisiana is numbah one.

Of course, part of their data was collected before Hurricane Katrina, and part of it afterwards, yet they still managed to average happiest over states like Florida, Hawaii and Wyoming, which everyone knows is called “the Happy State.”

Factors that raised states like Hawaii and Florida to the top and states like New Jersey and Antipathy (a secret volcanic island off the Jersey Shore where the government tests wild dog repellent on newborns) included climate, crime rates, air quality and schools.

Of course, it wouldn’t be a news story about a study unless someone reached startlingly untenable conclusions based on research that wasn’t present and ignores the other 48 states in between the top and bottom results: the USA Today believes faith is the the reason why Louisianna beat out New York. Well, you know what they say about ignorance.

You have allergies? Screw you!

USA Today has some startling news about the American workplace: more and more offices are becoming pet-friendly. Yes, some companies are allowing their employees to bring in their dogs to work. No wonder we’re in a recession, our workforce is too busy cleaning up poop to get anything done.

The clear danger here is that we’re letting our indentured animal servants into the office to see how we operate. You know that they will find a way to get information back to the animal high command about our operations, just like how one Confederate President Jefferson Davis’ slaves ran away and became a Union informant during the Civil War.

Great, now not only do we have to fear our coworkers coming in and shooting up the place, now we have to worry about their pets, too.

The loveliest of all was the …

There is a lot of scary news out there today, and the positive spin is coming from that liberal bastion of print media, USA Today.

First off, a unicorn has been found in Italy. OK, well not a real unicorn, because it’s a deer. However, it does indeed have a horn in the middle of its head. No picture is available, but an artist’s rendering makes it look nothing short of frightening.

Remember, the unicorn was smote by God himself for being too damn stubborn to get on a boat with all the other animals when the floods came. The existence of a unicorn today is blasphemous and clear sign that the animals are not only at war with us, but God, too.

Scientists in Indonesia have found macaque monkeys that have learned how to fish. Folks, this is way too human-like. Pretty soon, people are going to start saying we might be somehow related to these creatures. Though it was discovered these monkeys learned how to fish, what was more shocking was that they were also wearing sleeveless shirts and drinking Budweiser.

Call it what it is

Remember when bathroom tissue was called “toilet paper,” or when prisons became “penitentiaries?” Well, the PC police seem to be at it again, in of all places, West Virginia.

There, the new owners of a 19th century hospital that has held many titles, have changed the name of the building back to the “Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum.” This is causing a stir with people who find that term for the mentally ill, or as medical books refer to them, “nutsos,” is rude and should not be revived.

This blog must defend the new name. It is well documented that insanity comes from looking at the moon too much, which is where the term “lunatic” comes from. To deny this simple fact of god-fearing science is to deny reality. Or perhaps it’s the “asylum” part they find offensive. Should the crazies not have a safe place, or asylum, from the world? Shame on you, liberals!

One thing all parties agree upon is that watching West Virginians attempt to spell Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum should be a lot of fun.