N.J. city to scare off crows with awesome fireworks, laser show

The capital of New Jersey is under siege. It’s been going on all winter, and the city government is going to fight back. That’s bad news if you’re a crow.

Citizens of Trenton have complained about the 30,000 some odd crows that arrived this winter and show no signs of leaving. They’re loud in the morning, they crap everywhere, and worst of all, they’re animals. Starting today, the city is teaming up with the USDA to get the crows out of town. Let’s run down what they plan to use:

  • Pyrotechnics — Hell yeah, crows hate KISS concerts.
  • Lasers — Unclear on whether this goes along with the concert idea, or whether the lasers are more the “pew pew” variety.
  • Spotlights — Blind the little suckers. That’ll show ’em!
  • Recordings of crow distress calls — Not sure how fighting loud birds with recordings of loud birds solves anything, but go for it.
  • Crow effigies — They’re going to put fake crows up around town? Maybe they think that when the fake crows don’t respond to conversation they’ll get bored and leave. Or maybe they’ll burn the crow effigies. Eat it, crows!

It seems obvious to state that we are heartened to see one city getting tough on our animal foes. It’s time we take the fight to them.

A horse is a course of horse, of horse

In the War on Animals, there are certain species that have traditionally been granted a reprieve in exchange for service. Dogs, for one, have been mistakenly classified as “man’s best friend” when we all know man’s real best friend is anyone who will bury a body for you, not just a pig ear. But, another species just can’t make the cut anymore in this day of internal combustion engines: horses.

As part of a new spending bill signed into law on Nov. 18, Congress removed a five-year-old ban on funding horse meat inspections. The USDA stated that there are no slaughterhouses for horses at this time, but it’s only a matter of time before we catch up with Mexico and Canada where they butchered 138,000 for human consumption in 2010.

Although the Guys never stopped eating horse — resorting to even glue — during the past five years, we’re glad that chili con pony is back on the menu.

Welcome to (a preview of) Herman Cain’s America

People of all stripes have been arguing that America’s in a bad place right now. Our deficit is soaring, our rich are hogging up all the yachts and our kids — man, they suck. They’re fat, their music is weird, they cut themselves and they still haven’t lifted the U.S. out of a recession by getting jobs and buying all the CDs and DVDs (that we still think are weird).

But, is it so bad that even Canada gets to rag on us? Apparently so.

Our Congress didn’t help, of course, when they determined that, for school lunches, the two tablespoons of tomato sauce per slice makes pizza a vegetable. (A tomato is a fruit, until you squeeze it and add salt. Then it’s a vegetable, and that is science.*) And, with the double-helping of vegetables that comes with adding french fries, it looks like it’ll be up to our children’s children to stand up to those wendi-jerkoffs on our northern border.

*Today’s science is brought to you by Dr. Papa John, Director of the Hand-Tossed Institute.

You can’t freedom-ize cow guts

The U.S. government is reconsidering its ban on Scotland’s national dish haggis.

The Department of Agriculture has shot down rumors that the sausage – made by rolling the cooked innards of a sheep (its heart, liver and lungs) in oats and pepper, then stuffing it in cow’s intestine and boiling it – will be allowed in the United States any time soon.

The Scottish delicacy has been barred from this country since the late ’80s mad cow outbreak in the U.K. Oh darn.

At the request of Scottish officials, the USDA is reviewing the risks of the dish and the ban on it, according to The Associated Press. USDA spokeswoman Lindsay Cole issued a statement saying reports that the ban will be lifted are incorrect and though the latest science is being examined, no timetable has been set for a decision. Haggis is getting another look in this country because Scottish Rural Affairs minister Richard Lochhead asked U.S. Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack to clarify the government’s embargo, the AP reported.

“We want to allow American consumers to sample our world renowned national dish,” said Lochhead. “They should be assured Scotland has an excellent reputation in animal disease surveillance and prevention.”

Scottish haggis producers are happy at the prospect that it might be allowed in the U.S. after all these years.

“This is long overdue and I’m glad the U.S. authorities are coming to their senses,” master butcher Neil Watt of Watt the Butcher in Montrose, Scotland, told the AP. “The haggis you get in the States does not taste like proper haggis.”

Jo Macsween, director of Macsween’s Haggis in Edinburgh, believes removing the U.S. ban would be good for business and says Americans who visit Scotland are “eager to try” the national dish.

“We believe there is a big market to be tapped,” he told the AP. “Once [Americans] have tasted it, they generally love it and become enthusiasts.”

At least one American isn’t enthused about haggis, however. Former President George W. Bush told the AP he had no desire to try the sausage at the 2005 G8 summit in Gleneagles, Scotland.

“I was briefed on haggis,” he said. Attaboy, George, attaboy.