Utahans may finally see drinks being poured

Flair is the devil’s acrobatics!

If you read this blog, there’s a fair chance that you don’t like in Utah. We say this because it sounds like Utah is an awful place for drinkers. For example, it’s a state law that bars and restaurants must pour your alcoholic beverage from behind a wall, so it’s out of your sight.

But that could all change, now that a state lawmaker has proposed a bill to end the so-called “Zion Wall.” Rep. Brad Wilson wants places that serve alcoholic beverages to be able to pour the drinks in an open area, as opposed to the current system, where the bartender could be putting his penis in your drink, for all you know. Instead, drinks could be poured in view of customers, but anyone under 21 could have to be 10 feet back from the area where they are poured. This is important, because even though they’re encouraged to marry by that age, there’s no reason why Mormons under 21 should see the sexiness of a drink being poured.

The Guys are firmly in favor of tearing down walls.

Green foam closes Utah road, as foretold in Book of Mormon

Cleveland isn’t the only city invaded by a blob this summer. There’s something in the sewers of a Utah town and no one has any idea what it is. It’s so bad that roads have to be shut down.

In Bluffdale, Utah, officials closed a road after a green foam started oozing out of a storm drain. They don’t know what it is, or whether it is friendly or means us harm. State officials stressed that it is probably not algae.

So rest easy, Utes Utahans, that foam in your water supply could be supernatural for all we know.

Ancient humans were bad painters, researchers say

The first-known depiction of "Liar, liar, pants on fire."
The first-known depiction of “Liar, liar, pants on fire.”

The world of science has brought us some good news, and unfortunately, some bad news, too. Because we’re all about talking about the bad news here at SG, let’s go with the good news first: Turns out, creationists are wrong again.

In Utah, the 2,000-year-old rock paintings in Utah’s Black Dragon Canyon have finally been identified. The paintings have faded since they were created way back when, and some said the shape looked like a winged monster, and creationists said it was a pterosaur. After using modern imaging techniques, researchers found that the monster is actually several separate things. There’s a human, a smaller person, a sheep, a dog, a bug-eyed person, and a serpent like thing.

The bad news? Apparently, bug-eyed people and weird snake-like things used to roam what is now Utah, and there’s no reason to think they’ve stopped doing so.

Utah man formerly big fan of big bull penis

Stephen Ward is a man who was once a big fan of a big bull penis. However, the owner of Barista’s restaurant in Hurricane, Utah, has had a revelation: he does not need big bull penis in his life.

That said, he’s not getting rid of big bull penis for you or you or any of the other people living in Hurricane, Utah. No, he’s getting rid of big bull penis for his sake and his sake alone.

Utah rabbits are going to be high all the time, dude

Stoner rabbits have bloodshot eyes and are constantly late.
Stoner rabbits have bloodshot eyes and are constantly late.

The Utah state legislature is considering a bill that would allow for the use of medical marijuana. (Yes, we really mean Utah.) And not everyone is happy about it. It’s led to one federal official to offer a very stern warning.

Drug Enforcement Agency Special Agent Matt Fairbanks said that if Utah allows the use of marijuana for people with certain medical conditions, the wild rabbits will grow a taste for marijuana, and basically just get high all the time. When that happens, they lose their fear of humans.

Folks, we can’t have this. Our enemies must fear our superior power. If we get them addicted to illicit drugs, maybe we should go with a more life-ruining drug, like heroin or crack.

Better case-solving through LEGOs

True Detective 2
True Detective 2

Cold cases are the worst.

But there’s one less in the world. A case over two decades old has been solved thanks to a handful of LEGO bricks. In 1991, Lucille Johnson was found brutally murdered. Unfortunately, investigators just weren’t able to solve it. That changed last year. DNA scrapings were found on some bricks (presumably the 4×4, though they could have been 2×8), and after a long and arduous search, the evidence was paired with that of a septuagenarian prison inmate. It may be 23 years late, but at least it’s closure.

You just don’t get that type of case-solving assistance with MegaBloks.

Whoopie cushions are also banned from courts

The courtroom may not be the best place for practical jokes, especially in Utah.

During a trial about whether electrical currents from a power plant can hurt cows (no, really), an expert witness said that cows could not feel 1.5 volts, because humans can’t feel it either. The lawyer then handed the witness a trick pen with a 1.5-volt AAA battery in it and asked him to push it. Only thing was that the pen had a transformer in it that increased the battery’s shock to 750 volts–which is a lot.

A judge ruled that the lawyer’s actions could be considered battery of a witness.

Throwing money at your problems

"And just to really make sure nobody sees them again, here I am in an AP shot with one of the shirts folded titties out."
“And just to really make sure nobody sees them again, here I am in an AP photo with one of the shirts folded titties out.”

When Judy Cox found indecent t-shirts at a PacSun store, she did what The Guys would do: buy them all. Except, rather than wear as many as possible and then donate the rest to children with parental locks on their Internet access, she spent over $550 to protect her town — including her 18-year-old son — from the sight of scantily dressed womens.

Now unsure what to do, she thinks she might return them on day 59 of the store’s 60 day return policy. Which means they’ll be on display again, along with the 19 shirts the store ordered to restock. That is a victory for … well, nobody. Certainly not for her son, who will now surely be connected to the story as the tender legal adult who was publicly wank-blocked by his mom while shopping with her for clothes.

To be fair, we don’t think too clearly when we see boobs on a t-shirt, either.

And the honey shall turn to blood

Our first domesticated animal now serves a darker purpose: harvesting blood, the honey of pain.
Our first domesticated animal now serves a darker purpose: harvesting blood, the honey of pain.

While it seems impossible to find anything odder in your yard than intentional bees, beekeepers in Utah have managed to out-weird their own very weird career. Their bees are producing red honey, which the state Department of Agriculture and Food says may not, in fact, be honey.

One local beekeeper has come forward, admitting that he fed his bees a mixture of water and crushed hard candy. Bees from all over the area began feeding on his candy cane-infused water instead of dumb ol’ flowers, creating a red, syrupy sugar water.

It’s clear that this is the bees’ attempt at a counterattack, just when we have them on the ropes. They tried to hit us where it really stings: right in the diabetes.