Being a paperboy sucks. It’s not a job that lends itself to the easy life: you have to wake up earlier than everyone else no matter the weather, your aim must be precise, the pay is menial at best, collect money from deadbeats, you have to ward off the advances of pedophiles and contend with dogs. It’s just not worth it.
Get ready to add another con to that list: being attacked by rampaging goats.
Jaxon Gessel was minding his business, hurting nobody by doing his job as a paperboy when out of nowhere, he was sent flying off his bike by a vicious headbutt. The culprit? A goat given the name of Voldemort. Somehow the monster had managed to get off its chain (surely via the use of evil magics) and attack young Jaxon.
Click the link. That’s not the face of an easy-going beast. That’s the face of a villain.
Story courtesy of Jeremy Bethel
I want everyone to pay attention to me for a second. Are you sitting down? I think it’s important that you are. Okay, here I go: a logic-defying bill is about to be made a law in the state of Utah. I think I’m just as shocked as you are.
In the great state of Joseph Smith, Utahraptor ostrommaysorum and NBA dunk contest champions, a bill is being passed around that will require sex education classes to teach abstinence-only education. Which is kind of horrifying.
“We’ve been culturally watered down to think we have to teach about sex, about having sex and how to get away with it, which is intellectually dishonest,” [Representative Bill] Wright said, according to The Salt Lake Tribune. “Why don’t we just be honest with them upfront that sex outside marriage is devastating?”
It’s a good thing that opinions are clearly just opinions and not viewed as fact in Utah, right? Nnnnnh, never mind. On the plus side, now we might be able to get a future appearance of one of John Stamos’ character’s kids from his one appearance on Law & Order: SVU.
“On an army base” edition:
- “The secret ingredient is poison” – mess hall head cook
- “Who wants to play knife fight?” – boot camp attendee
- “Hey, let’s smack this crappy fellow private with a sock filled with soap.” – other boot camp attendee
- “So, I’ve got this idea for a plague…” – research scientist
- “Wasn’t Stop-Loss such a great movie?” – Army recruiter
- “Joining Al Qaeda and declaring jihad on the United States of America is looking really good right now.” – 4 star general
- “It’s probably a bomb.” – package courier
There’s really no way to sugarcoat this story: a Utah man was hunting over the weekend with his friend. He left his shotgun in his boat, along with his pet dog.
The dog shot his ass.
How is this not an automatic declaration of war? It was only through his human ingenuity to be wearing waders at the time that saved him from worse injuries. Take that, dogs of war.
Over 20 million bees pulled a Con Air in Utah, overturning a truck that was transporting them to a maximum security almond farm in Bakersfield, California.
The bees have mostly been returned into custody, but the driver and two police officers were stung during the attempted hijacking/breakout. Some of the bees, however, remain at large and may use the U.S. highway system against us to quickly take over every Waffle House dumpster in America.
Thanks a lot, Eisenhower.
Utah just got a little bit more awesome.
There are too many cities and town in the great United States of America that have a ban on beer sales on Sunday for whatever reason they may choose. You might ask me how many areas have these bans. I’d retort with one city is two too many.
But now there’s one less! Thanks to a majority vote from city councilors, Provo, Utah, will now be allowing the sale of beer on Sundays. No longer will the city be diametrically opposed to earning money! Before the vote, residents had to travel to other towns and give them their hard earned money on Sundays. Talk about not funneling community money back into the community.
I think resident BJ Cluff said it best:
“…just because someone wants a drink on Sunday, doesn’t make them an alcoholic.”
Authorities in Utah are perplexed by a prisoner who has been held in jail for more than three weeks for misdemeanor charges because he refuses to reveal his name. He was arrested for trespassing in a parking garage and will remain in custody until he can be identified for court.
The Utah County Sheriffs Department says they have tried everything, including giving him a calling card so that he might call friends or relatives. (He hasn’t.) As they return to the drawing board, they plan to continue introducing him to friends to prompt him to say his name and calling out every name in a baby book until his ears involuntarily perk.
Any information leading to his identification will be rewarded with shares of the magical treasure he’s protecting.
They warned us. They warned us that legalizing gay marriage would lead us down a slippery slope that would eventually see man-on-dog and woman-on-baby marriage. Well, it’s now clear that what happens on Broadway affects Utah in more ways than The Book of Mormon: polygamists now want the legal right to pretend to be married and share a mortgage and kids.
Sure, they’re not really all married—just some dude to one woman and a bunch of girlfriends—but, let’s call this what it really is: pretty f%@king cool.
I know, I know; it’s practically a stereotype for a male writer to Internet high-five some weird Mormon guy collecting women like Pokemon. I acknowledge that, but I’m not saying this for the reasons you think.
Continue reading Take it from Snee: Slippery slope to AWESOME
Have you ever wanted to pay a bill in … colorful ways? Not so much over the phone or through the mail, but in person. Like, perhaps through single dollar bills, or even the 2 dollar bills, because that’ll show them. And if the place in question accepts cash as a form of payment, well, it’s not as if it’s against the law, right?
Well, maybe. Possibly? Jason West of Vernal, Utah, has been cited by the local police for disorderly conduct, after paying a 25 dollar bill in pennies. That comes out to 25 hundred of the little doodads used to pay a bill. That’s a lot of change to just have lying around the house. I personally don’t understand what apparently upset the employees at the clinic when the coins were doled out to them. Are they opposed to money?
The next time you play “Truth or Dare,” know that there is no way kissing another dude or wearing a diaper through the drive-thru will ever top this.
A naked woman stole a car at 5 am from a guy posting business signs on the side of the highway. Because turnaround is fair play, that guy stole her car.
The guy and the police chased her until she crashed his car into a gate. The police pursued her on foot, but couldn’t grab her because she was too slippery from sweat and blood. She literally slipped through their fingers and stole a cop car.
She crashed that car into a highway berm and sustained flight for 50 feet.
She then ran on foot again, and scaled a barb wire fence before the cops finally tazed her. (And here we thought they pulled those out at the drop of a candy wrapper.)
In other “Truth or Dare” news:
Monaco’s royal family has named at least two princes Albert.