The federal government is finally going to use drones to target animals. As proud supporters of humans in our battle for control of the world, The Guys would like to support this idea. The only problem is they’re not using the drones to kill.
The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service plans to use drones to hunt down black footed ferrets in Montana, but rather than exterminate them, the drones will vaccinate the beasts. The plan calls for a squadron of specially designed drones to fire vaccines at the ferrets, to keep them from being killed by the sylvatic plague, which doesn’t sound friendly.
The drone will be able to fire in three directions simultaneously, but until it carries sidewinder missiles, we’re declaring it a waste of taxpayer money.
Already, forces for substituting concern and a bachelor’s degree in Liberal Arts in place of actual medical knowledge have started mobilizing, planning to rescue the virus from the endangered species list.
“It is a disgrace that third world countries can protect this important RNA-based species while corporations are allowed to freely destroy it in a so-called industrialized nation, ” said noted immunological authority, Bill Maher.
“While I cannot host the virus myself due to vaccinations, I look forward to giving my children the opportunity that my parents denied me,” added actress/model/basically-a-scientist, Jenny McCarthy.
Fortunately, anti-vaxxers already have a headstart on rubella since its vaccine is part of the combined MMR vaccine that they’ve already opted their children out of.
You know when you think you have a great idea because nobody’s doing it, and you find out it’s because the Nazis did it, giving you that oogie feeling Indiana Jones got after discovering his girlfriend was a Nazi and banging his dad? Anti-vaccine people, get ready to feel oogie: the Taliban has banned polio vaccines.
In a choice between airstrikes and polio, Taliban militants in North and South Waziristan, Pakistan, have chosen polio. They will prevent health workers and volunteers from immunizing an estimated 280,000 children until the U.S. halts drone airstrikes in the region. So, it’s not because they believe that vaccines cause illness, which is surprisingly scientific for a group of backwards religious fanatics.
But, let’s not get congratulatory here. As Taliban commander, Hafiz Gul Bahadur says, the drone strikes “are worse than polio,” which is a pretty bold statement from a guy who can probably walk. Still, we’re sure this decision won’t hurt their future recruiting at all, so long as they’re comfortable with the next generation Rascal scooter bombing infidels.
Look, as a comedy writer, sometimes I say and do mean things. My particular brand of comedy leans anywhere from provocative to “let’s see if my penis fits in there.” And, you know what? Sometimes I have to step back and say I’ve gone too far, especially when it concerns people’s feelings.
I know you expect Take it from Snee (to try) to be funny. You want to see goofy pictures and read cannibalism jokes. I wish I could deliver that to you, but I just don’t feel funny right now. In fact, I feel like s#&t.
So, there’s only one thing I can do this week, and that’s to man up and apologize. Otherwise, I might never be able to look myself in the mirror, much less make light of my third nipple.
According to a couple of studies published in in the January issues of the journal Epidemiology and the journal Sexually Transmitted Diseases, Montreal researchers found that 56 percent of their 263 female enrollees contracted HPV from their new boyfriends. 44 percent got the ones with extra sauce that can cause cancer.
The scary part is that 40 percent of those who used condoms still tested positive for HPV.
Of course, groin doctors asking patients if they used condoms is kinda like dentists asking if you floss. If they find something, you don’t want to give them “I told you so” ammo.
So, if you’re still wondering what to get your significant other for Valentine’s–just 30 shopping days left!–might we suggest looking down on yourself?
It appears that both toddlers brains start to develop normally, but the autistic’s amygdala may begin accelerated growth around year one and stops by year two, huge and proud like a prize pumpkin.
The amygdala is the part of the brain that, normally, allows us to study and interpret faces. When oversized, it leads to inabilities like discerning motive or joint attention. (I point to the stubble on my legs, you then look down and shave them. That’s joint attention.)
So what does this all mean? Medical science is closer to isolating the cause of autism and a vaccine may be on the way!