Government drones to vaccinate ferrets

The federal government is finally going to use drones to target animals. As proud supporters of humans in our battle for control of the world, The Guys would like to support this idea. The only problem is they’re not using the drones to kill.

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service plans to use drones to hunt down black footed ferrets in Montana, but rather than exterminate them, the drones will vaccinate the beasts. The plan calls for a squadron of specially designed drones to fire vaccines at the ferrets, to keep them from being killed by the sylvatic plague, which doesn’t sound friendly.

The drone will be able to fire in three directions simultaneously, but until it carries sidewinder missiles, we’re declaring it a waste of taxpayer money.

Anti-vaxxers look forward to resurrecting newly endangered rubella virus

"Concerned parents are go! Repeat: concerned parents are go! This is what we read questionable scientific resources for, people!"
“Concerned parents are go! Repeat: concerned parents are go! This is what we read questionable scientific sources for, people!”

Officials from the Pan-American Health Organization issued a new challenge to parents who have a Google degree in medical science, announcing that the rubella virus is no longer being transmitted in the Americas thanks to a 15-year vaccination campaign.

Already, forces for substituting concern and a bachelor’s degree in Liberal Arts in place of actual medical knowledge have started mobilizing, planning to rescue the virus from the endangered species list.

“It is a disgrace that third world countries can protect this important RNA-based species while corporations are allowed to freely destroy it in a so-called industrialized nation, ” said noted immunological authority, Bill Maher.

“While I cannot host the virus myself due to vaccinations, I look forward to giving my children the opportunity that my parents denied me,” added actress/model/basically-a-scientist, Jenny McCarthy.

Fortunately, anti-vaxxers already have a headstart on rubella since its vaccine is part of the combined MMR vaccine that they’ve already opted their children out of.

What do Jenny McCarthy and the Taliban have in common?

You know when you think you have a great idea because nobody’s doing it, and you find out it’s because the Nazis did it, giving you that oogie feeling Indiana Jones got after discovering his girlfriend was a Nazi and banging his dad? Anti-vaccine people, get ready to feel oogie: the Taliban has banned polio vaccines.

In a choice between airstrikes and polio, Taliban militants in North and South Waziristan, Pakistan, have chosen polio. They will prevent health workers and volunteers from immunizing an estimated 280,000 children until the U.S. halts drone airstrikes in the region. So, it’s not because they believe that vaccines cause illness, which is surprisingly scientific for a group of backwards religious fanatics.

But, let’s not get congratulatory here. As Taliban commander, Hafiz Gul Bahadur says, the drone strikes “are worse than polio,” which is a pretty bold statement from a guy who can probably walk. Still, we’re sure this decision won’t hurt their future recruiting at all, so long as they’re comfortable with the next generation Rascal scooter bombing infidels.

’76 a good year for vaccines

Proving they just don’t make them like they used to, it appears that the original swine flu vaccine from 1976 still protected its recipients in the recent 2009 outbreak. 33 years later! We don’t even have herpes outbreaks that last that long anymore!

The best part about this news is that hipsters are finally willing to get vaccinated against the H1N1 virus now that they believe there’s a vintage shot available.

(It’s really the 2009 one, but we acid-washed it and dried it on “high” to shrink and make it look retro.)

Take it from Snee: A heartfelt apology

Look, as a comedy writer, sometimes I say and do mean things. My particular brand of comedy leans anywhere from provocative to “let’s see if my penis fits in there.” And, you know what? Sometimes I have to step back and say I’ve gone too far, especially when it concerns people’s feelings.

I know you expect Take it from Snee (to try) to be funny. You want to see goofy pictures and read cannibalism jokes. I wish I could deliver that to you, but I just don’t feel funny right now. In fact, I feel like s#&t.

So, there’s only one thing I can do this week, and that’s to man up and apologize. Otherwise, I might never be able to look myself in the mirror, much less make light of my third nipple.

Here goes: I’m sorry I gave your son autism, Jenny McCarthy. Continue reading Take it from Snee: A heartfelt apology

What do you get for the man who already has HPV?

New relationships are exciting because they’re full of “firsts”:

  • The first date
  • The first kiss
  • The first awkward transition into a 69 position
  • The first proposal of a threesome, followed immediately by
  • The first fight

But, there’s another first that’s livening up Canadian relationships (I know, Canada again?): the first transmission of the human papillomavirus or HPV.

According to a couple of studies published in in the January issues of the journal Epidemiology and the journal Sexually Transmitted Diseases, Montreal researchers found that 56 percent of their 263 female enrollees contracted HPV from their new boyfriends. 44 percent got the ones with extra sauce that can cause cancer.

The scary part is that 40 percent of those who used condoms still tested positive for HPV.

Of course, groin doctors asking patients if they used condoms is kinda like dentists asking if you floss. If they find something, you don’t want to give them “I told you so” ammo.

So, if you’re still wondering what to get your significant other for Valentine’s–just 30 shopping days left!–might we suggest looking down on yourself?

Hate your job?

So, you hate your job? Today a bad day? Want to quit, but too afraid of the job market right now? Here’s your afternoon pick-me-up:

A vaccine to prevent HIV infection, the virus that leads to AIDS, has shown modest results for the first time.”

Oo, awesome news!

“Previous vaccine trials failed to prevent infection. And during one trial, the vaccine seemed to boost the chance of being infected, which ended testing early.”

Uh, but that’s not the case now, right?

“The new study was conducted in Thailand, with more than 16,000 people between ages 18 and 30 participating. They were all HIV negative at the beginning of the trial.”

… And?

“Nearly 8,200 received a placebo and a similar number received a combination of six vaccines over six months. All were followed for three years.”

“A placebo,” you say?

“Researchers found that those who received the vaccine combination were 31 percent less likely to contract HIV compared with those on a placebo.”

Really? Placebos don’t prevent HIV infection?

“Fifty-one people in the vaccine group eventually contracted HIV, compared with 74 in the placebo group.”

F#%k. They hired people to get AIDS. Did they inject them in the research lab, or just follow them around the streets of Bangcock while they had unprotected sex with shared needles?

But, that’s not all:

“[Colonel Jerome Kim, U.S. Army,] cautioned that a lot more research was necessary, because the vaccine did not prevent everyone from being infected.”

So, they’re still hiring! Time to quit that job and move to Thailand!

Getting ahead in autism research

Researchers discovered that toddlers with autism have, on average, a 13 percent larger amygdala than their non-autistic peers.

It appears that both toddlers brains start to develop normally, but the autistic’s amygdala may begin accelerated growth around year one and stops by year two, huge and proud like a prize pumpkin.

The amygdala is the part of the brain that, normally, allows us to study and interpret faces. When oversized, it leads to inabilities like discerning motive or joint attention. (I point to the stubble on my legs, you then look down and shave them. That’s joint attention.)

So what does this all mean? Medical science is closer to isolating the cause of autism and a vaccine may be on the way!

… Oh, sorry, Jenny.