China still can’t shake funeral strippers

Back in 2015 we told you about China’s crackdown on strippers performing at funerals, which probably led to a lot of you updating your wills. And now three years later, it seems the Chinese government can’t keep a good idea down.

China’s Ministry of Culture has announced that it is cracking down once again on funeral strippers, which remains a popular thing in rural areas because they are thought to boost attendance. But the problem may be more widespread than it was last time. Authorities said that they will also crack down on strippers at weddings and Chinese New Year celebrations.

So if you got engaged around Valentine’s Day, float the wedding stripper idea to your fiancee while she’s still distracted by her shiny new ring.

Give the gift of a reusable rocket

We’re a week away from Valentine’s Day, and you probably haven’t gotten anything for your significant other, have you? Isn’t it time you got them something really special?

Maybe you should get that special someone a space rocket. You’re in luck, because there’s one on Craigslist going for just $9.9 million. The SpaceX Falcon 9 is listed in “good” condition, which just some minor burns and only light use. The down side is that shipping isn’t available, so you need your own tug boat. And then you’ll have to haul it all the way from Cape Canaveral, Florida. But that will make it mean that much more to your Valentine.

It’s a lot better than naming a star after them.

Take it from Snee: Take it down a notch, Valentine

To go with the Mahogany card I bought you, here's something chocolatey and full of cream.
To go with the Mahogany card I bought you, here’s something chocolatey and full of cream.

If you’re reading this site, then chances are that you’re trying to ignore that tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. Perhaps you call it Single Awareness Day. Or that you’re up a creek because you forgot to buy anything and all that’s left in stores now are the Hallmark Mahogany line and Easter candy.

Relax. I’m not saying that you’re overacting or that this is somehow all your fault for not being lovable. It isn’t. Valentine’s should be a simple day of expressing care, not necessarily balls-out romantic love in the form of extravagant gifts that require feeding and walks.

So, who is to blame? These a**holes. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Take it down a notch, Valentine

Maybe the wrong pheromone was used?

It should be no surprise that we at SG don’t particularly care much for deer. They run in packs, they appear to have no regard for the safety of others, they’re surprisingly strong for being animals and they’re creeping into our territory (this is certainly not true of the opposite).

But now? Now they’re attacking people in their home-and even worse, they’re attempting to attack the very super sensual lovemaking of the human race. This cannot happen, people! We must take the war to them! It’s time to track down the resting places of these monsters and make them bear witness to a special kind of love-gun.

And I ain’t talking about the kind KISS sings about.

Take it from Snee: I hate Single Awareness Day

As February 14 looms closer, I have to endure listening to everyone’s plans for the big day. You think I don’t like binging on chocolate or watching romantic comedies in my PJs?

It’s not that I don’t want to participate; it’s just that I’m not allowed to.

My wife, no matter how I present it, won’t let me celebrate Single Awareness Day. Continue reading Take it from Snee: I hate Single Awareness Day

Happy Valentine’s Day, infidel

Now that all of the stores have taken down their Martin Luther King, Jr. Day decorations (which seem to go up earlier and earlier every year), it’s time to now focus on Valentine’s Day.

However, not everybody is into the Valentine’s spirit.

Iran has unofficially banned the holiday, calling it’s celebration “the spread of Western culture.” The printing works owners’ union has issued a ban on any materials featuring “hearts, half-hearts, [and] red roses” and “any activities promoting this day.”

Sounds like somebody in a certain government couldn’t land themselves a date, much less get laid with a stack of veils at a bikini contest.

Take it from Snee: You’re about to get dumped

Look, I don’t know how to break this to you, but … well, you’re about to get dumped.

Or you’re about to dump somebody. Either way, you are about to be alone, so very alone soon.

How could I possibly know that? Because of Facebook.

David McCandless, a London designer, just released a graph of status updates containing the phrases “break up” or “broken up.” He discovered two peak periods in which the phrases were used: Spring Break and the two weeks before Christmas.

Here’s my interpretation of his data. Continue reading Take it from Snee: You’re about to get dumped

Dentists inflict craft on hapless Valentines

For some people, Valentine’s Day is the worst day in the world. Couples and card companies join forces to rub sex and candy into single people’s faces.

This year, however, was worse.

Dentists across the U.S. lured countless patients into their clutches to do what they love most: to denter. Or to dentrify. Dent? Whatever.

The point is that they performed free procedures on unwitting people, inflicting even more pain. “Happy Valentine’s, here’s a root canal out of the goodness of my heart.”

This may be the worst gift since that scorching case of “love bumps” that we got from Free Whorehouse Day in ’04. (Thanks a lot for that idea, Chugs.)

V-Day is coming, have you bought your drug-laden gift yet?

This Valentine’s Day, give her the gift she’ll really enjoy–the gift 20 lbs of cocaine.

Clearly, that is what someone had in mind in Amsterdam. Among a shipment of 20,000 roses from Colombia, airport authorities found something a little extra. It was shipped in the same cellophane packets that the roses had been shipped in.

We know they jack up the price on roses this time of year, but this could be an indicator as to why.

Make out sessions? Aisle three

We’re just days away from Valentine’s Day, and many people will be shopping for some love. If you are among those going stag this year (we have a certain movie-reviewing Guy for you and) you should check out our how to fall in love guide. If you are lonely and in China (Really? How many million people are there to choose from?) you may want to head down to the supermarket. Love is on sale.

The “I’m Looking For You” market, which we believe has an extensive meat section, has brought in over 1,000 customers and helped create 50 couples, which means there’s a one in ten chance you’ll find someone. So if you’re low on toilet paper, you may want to head over to the love supermarket, just stay away from the condom aisle, you’ll look creepy.