The Guys hope that all of you enjoyed your Valentine’s Day — or, if you’re one of those bitter people who hates the holiday, we hope you posted that sweet dig you’ve been saving up for months. Animals like love, too. But many were jilted over the weekend.
In China, a female elephant named Zhusunya decided to ruin people’s day by trashing a bunch of parked cars. Why? Because she’s not getting any. According to Chinese media, Zhusunya is in heat and acting a little crazy right now. She left an area where elephants usually hang out and headed down a crowded tourist street, taking out her frustration on about 15 cars.
For decades, Red Lobster has been seen as a fancy restaurant only by people in landlocked states. But that’s all changing now, thanks to Beyoncé.
During her appearance in the Super Bowl halftime show, she made older white people very upset, but she inspired many others to go out to Red Lobster simply by mentioning the restaurant in her new song “Formation.” The chain saw sales shoot up by a third just one day after the song’s release and performance. In the song, Beyoncé says if a guy is good in bed, she’ll take him to dinner at Red Lobster — except, you know, not phrased as whitely.
So gents, make your dinner reservations now. Valentine’s Day is almost here, and there could be quite a waiting list.
Welcome to the worst time of year. The holidays are over, your bank account is recovering from the shopping binge, and the weather sucks. The weather’s going to suck for months because it’s the beginning of winter and there’s nothing to look forward to. Really, the only thing on the horizon is Valentine’s Day, and unless you’re a woman, it’s not something to get excited about. Hunker down, keep your whiskey supply up, and keep waiting for St. Patrick’s Day. If you were busy watching a crime documentary show this week, odds are you missed it.
Mourning in America
During a speech about gun control measures being enacted through executive order, President Barack Obama shed a tear when he mentioned the children who were murdered in Newtown, Connecticut three years ago. Conspiracy theorists say Obama wiped Bengay under his eye in order to coax out a tear for cameras. This is how bad the far-right internet has gotten: John Boehner can cry and lactate 20 times a day over nothing, but the president can’t get emotional talking about dead little kids. Wouldn’t it be easier to just call Obama out for being a robot sent to destroy America?
Blowing up the airwaves
North Korea said it successfully tested a hydrogen bomb this week, but experts aren’t so sure it worked. In any case, the test marks another act of defiance of international sanctions. In response, South Korea set up loudspeakers along the border and began blasting K-pop. These two countries are like feuding neighbors in an apartment building. One keeps making the floor shake with loud thumps, so the other cranks their music, in this case, Psy.
‘Dear Mom, camp is great. Send snacks.’
Militiamen continued their “occupation” of a small federal park building in Oregon in protest of land rights or something like that. But it turns out they didn’t pack accordingly. Dumbasses, who have threatened violence against authorities, have asked supporters to send them supplies, as they didn’t pack enough to keep them fed for a long stay. Chipotle has responded by sending all of its salmonella-tainted burritos.
For a nominal (and varying) donation amount, a person can adopt a scorpion or a hissing cockroach for their loved one for Valentine’s Day. Said person will then get a certificate of adoption and either a stuffed arachnid or plastic insects to show that whoever bought them this gift is a lousy person. The Zoo is even marketing the packages as gifts that can be given to ex-lovers.
You know what costs less than a donation amount? Death to the hissing cockroaches and death to the scorpions. It costs a lot less.
We’ve all been there before: you’re toward the end of a romantic evening, going to make a move, when you can hold in a fart any longer, and the night is ruined. Fortunately, your relationship will eventually get to the point where neither of you cares about each other’s farts anymore. But if you can’t wait that long, there’s another solution.
A French inventor has a pill that will make your farts smell better, and he’s got a new scent just in time for Valentine’s Day. What is this romantic scent from a country known for its romance, made for the most romantic holiday of the year? Ginger. The sexy, sexy smell of ginger.
Not only will your farts smell great, they will calm your stomach, too.
I’m not a huge fan of winter, since I’m not a kid, but this is my favorite time of winter. The hangover from the holidays is past, it’s too early to think about Valentine’s Day and it’s cold outside. The fact that it’s cold isn’t the good part, it’s that you don’t have to feel bad for not going outside, and no one really wants to be social right now, either. You can just sit inside, drink, and do whatever else you like to do while drinking. If you were busy considering a run for president this week, odds are you missed it.
Young people who don’t watch award shows upset
This week, the nominees for the Academy Awards were announced, and Twitter was all, well, atwitter with the news. Mostly, people were upset that all 20 of the nominees for acting awards are white, the third time it’s happened since 1998. Highlighting their point was the fact that “Selma” was all but shut out of the nominations. But everyone eventually moved on because a woman said a nominee’s name was “Dick Poop.”
Penn State gets back to looking the other way
Under a proposed agreement with the NCAA Penn State’s football team’s vacated wins from 1998 to 2011 will be reinstated, making Joe Paterno once again the winningest coach. For those of you keeping score at home, the punishment for molesting children is 30 years minimum in prison, and the punishment for allowing a sexual predator to molest dozens of children for decades by systematically sweeping problems under the rug is acting like you didn’t win some games for a little over two years.
Earlier this month, the new, Republican-controlled Congress began its first session, vowing to end gridlock on the Hill and show that the GOP can govern. House Speaker John Boehner today posted 12 GIFs of Taylor Swift in a snarky response to President Barack Obama’s plan for two free years of community college. When did Boehner hire BuzzFeed as his press secretary?
It’s February, that means that your single friends won’t stop complaining about being single, and your friends in relationships keep posting stupid stuff on Facebook. February is known for some bad movie releases, but around Valentine’s Day it gets even worse. This year, we’ve got Winter’s Tale, which from the previews, it’s about a time-traveling Irishman and a redhead who keeps taking her clothes off in a PG-13 movie. Then there’s Endless Love, which is apparently about a love without an end, and no famous people. It’s also about teens, so high school girls will probably love it. Smart money is that the male lead dies at the end. If you were busy watching your Corvettes get sucked into a sinkhole this week, odds are you missed it.
Bob Costas scratched from Olympics
Bob Costas has a pretty sweet gig. First off, he covers sports, the easiest news-related job in the world. Secondly, he covers one NFL game a week for a few weeks a year, plus the odd horse race or golf tournament. Every couple years, he’s the guy you go to for the Olympics. But this year, he’s recovering from some kind of double eye infection–during his big event. Trooper that he is, Costas hosted for the first few nights of the games, not even doing shots on the air would fix it. He had to step out Wednesday, only to be replaced by Matt Lauer, NBC’s guy with a functioning voice on their morning show. Next up, is … Meredith Vieira. Get well soon, Bob.
The military is now more accepting than the NFL
Missouri defensive end Michael Sam came out this week. (Side note, does anyone one say “came out of the closet” anymore? Did we stop doing that?) He told the New York Times that he’s gay, and unsurprisingly, the NFL all of sudden lost interest in drafting him. They said he would be a distraction in the locker room, as they do any time anything happens off the field, like every player on every team has ADHD or something. Rapists, abusers, drunk drivers, dopers and murderers aren’t distractions, but being gay is. They must think he’s going to wear shiny things on his clothes.
Not official until it’s on Facebook
Fresh off of celebrating 10 years of existence, Facebook introduced a landmark update this week. Users can now select from more than one gender. Facebook now allows selections of “male,” “female” and “it’s complicated.”
If you’re reading this site, then chances are that you’re trying to ignore that tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. Perhaps you call it Single Awareness Day. Or that you’re up a creek because you forgot to buy anything and all that’s left in stores now are the Hallmark Mahogany line and Easter candy.
Relax. I’m not saying that you’re overacting or that this is somehow all your fault for not being lovable. It isn’t. Valentine’s should be a simple day of expressing care, not necessarily balls-out romantic love in the form of extravagant gifts that require feeding and walks.