Tag: vampire

Do immortals walk amongst us?

No, of course not. Don’t be silly.

They only fly First Class, and it costs $20 to see them in 3D.

According to the leader in news, eBay, photographic evidence of immortality — or at least Biblically-long life — and, well, you’re not going to like who it is. One is being sold of John Travolta, and another is of Nicolas Cage. (The Nic Cage photo auction is no longer active.)

In each case, the poster suggested some outlandish story about the two being time travelers or vampires, but let’s not get crazy here. First of all, you can’t take a picture of a vampire because their pale skin and oily hair reflect the flash back into the aperture. And a time traveler? Please. No self-respecting time traveler would pay the big bucks to develop it when there are perfectly good photo fun centers at amusement parks.

No, sometimes people just won’t die, no matter how many terrible movies they make.

Really real vampire doctors?

There are bad stories, and then there are bad stories that refute their very first sentence within paragraphs.

For example: this article about “self-identified vampires” who have formed their own subculture. The opening line states that these vampires are “doctors … by day.”

However, these particular vampires differ from the vampires at your local Hot Topic because they believe that they suffer from “an internal lack of energy that makes them seek energy from external sources such as the high that comes from the crowd at a rock concert or from the blood of a willing donor.”

So, the author, Laura Zuckerman, is claiming that there are doctors—medical professionals–who consensually drink the blood of others because they think it provides energy they lack?

Perhaps these doctors are “self-identified” as well.

Just don’t ask him to do daytime stump speeches

With the presidential election only two and a half years away (seriously, news networks?), things are getting tense. We know who the Democrats will be running, but who is going to represent the Republicans? Perhaps Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey.

He’s 45, he lives in Florida, he recently joined the GOP after a stint as an independent, and oh yeah, he claims to be a vampire, just ask his 19-year-old fiancee, an Ohio native he met online. His platform: um, he’s apparently a descendant of Vlad the Impaler, was engaged to a 16-year-old Minnesota girl last month, but they now have a restraining order on him, and he also has a bit of history with the law, including the Secret Service are monitoring him.

Key quote: “I haven’t dated a girl older than 19 since 2006,” said the Tampa man as his 19-year-old daughter and his 2-year-old grandson met him at the Greyhound station. “It’s good to be me.”

(Thanks Dave)

A staunch reason to ban time travel research

Movies make time travel seem like a fun little jaunt into the past or enlightening vision quest into the future. You meet your kids all grown up, save the President and maybe even risk destroying the time-space continuum by creating a looping paradox. All enjoyable, right?

Wrong. Time travel is dangerous, risking time traveler and contemporaries alike. And you might even french your mom. (Ew.)

That is why we are starting a counter-science movement on this site. It is important that we do not allow science to forgo morality in an attempt to endanger Americans and spit in the face of God.

Reason to Ban Time Travel #1: Risk of Exposure to Medieval Morons

We know it’s not fair to judge people in the past of their scientific knowledge, but seriously, vampires?

Italian archaeologists discovered the remains of a suspected vampire. How did they know that the corpse was a suspect? Because a f#&king rock was shoved into its skull.

And this isn’t a one-time moment of lunacy. No, they find these every so often in medieval mass burial sites from plagues. That’s right: they attributed the continuing illness to vampires, and if you got sick, died, and took longer than an hour to decompose, then you were suspect.

So, you could explain to illiterate wrath-of-God-fearing morons how you’re not a vampire, just severely allergic to ancient fresh air … or we could just ban time travel. Hm, which seems easier?

Take it from Snee: Lightning Round 3 (Hard Thunder)

So we just got through an election and the first half of Thanksgristmas, and that means I had to listen to a lot of stupid. This is the third time we’ve gone through this, so I shouldn’t have to explain it to you.

And if you’re new here, welcome and try not to get your ass in my foot’s way. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Lightning Round 3 (Hard Thunder)

Get your crucifixes ready

As part of our ongoing coverage of the appearance of monsters across the world, we bring you this frightening bulletin: German police have found a great deal of dead animals in around the city of Bochum lately. Ordinarily, this blog would think this is a good thing.

However, 21 rabbits, three chickens and four foul wild birds have been found decapitated and drained of their blood. This blog is never one to jump to conclusions, but normally, when blood starts getting drained in any Austro-German territory, it means bad things. The Guys recommend staying alert.