Romania is known in this part of the world for spooky stuff, mostly, vampires. But it turns out that the country has its share of zombies, too. And they are clogging up the legal system.
Constantin Reliu, 63, died a few months ago, according to his wife and the paperwork she filed to declare him dead. So when he returned home from a trip to Turkey in January, Reliu wasn’t pleased to find out of his death. He sued to have his death certificate overturned, but the Romanian courts know a zombie when they see one. The court told him the death certificate could not be overturned.
In the same week, a Romanian court ruled that Valerian Vasiliu should have his driver’s license reinstated. The only problem is that Vasiliu is dead. In March 2017, Vasiliu had his license revoked. He immediately appealed the decision, only to die last October. So when the court made its ruling last week, they were essentially telling a zombie he can drive again.
The dead are rising, and getting clever.
It happened in John Carpenter’s Vampires, it happened in From Dusk Till Dawn (and the plethora of direct to video sequels), it happened in Near Dark and it’s happening again in Galveston: Vampires.
Mind you, it’s a new day and age. Society has changed greatly since the middle ages. Gone are the capes and frilly-neck shirts! In their place lie tattoos and boxers. Away are slicked back hair! A nice buzz-cut will probably do. Names such as Alucard, Vlad, Orlock, Varney, Shaitan and Faethor are out! Names like Lyle will do the job.
Where am I going with all of this? A man, Lyle Bensley, is charged with attacking a woman in Galveston, wearing only his underoos and the ink that his
tattoo artist dark lord gave him … because he is VAMPIRE! At least, that’s his side of the story. I eagerly await the “need to quench the thirst” defense being used in court.
On the plus side, according to the authorities and emergency medical personnel, the nu-age nosferatu wasn’t under the influence of drugs. So he’s got that.
The best vampire movies are usually the ones which get rid of the ground rules. e.g. no garlic, no crucifixes, a stake in the heart can kill. In Near Dark, writer/director Kathryn Bigelow throws out the rule book and creates a truly unique horror movie, which mixes the Gothic tones of vampire mythology with the vast landscapes and mannerisms of the western genre.
Near Dark is what a fast, violent vampire flick is all about. The vampires here are gritty, dirty, violent, and pissed off creatures who don’t have any plans of world domination or enslaving humanity. They just live to survive. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Near Dark’
Normally, we begin a hardcore look at horror movies in October; however, we’re making an exception for two reasons.
- The American remake of Let the Right One In, Let Me In, opens tomorrow.
- October begins tomorrow.
I think we can make an exception in this case, don’t you? Especially when said movie to be reviewed is the best vampire movie ever made. And no, it’s not hyperbole if it lives up to the hype. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Let the Right One In’
It’s obvious that vampires are en vogue lately, thanks to Twilight and True Blood and the like. But in the midst of all this, we are forgetting the real issue here: vampires don’t actually like us very much.
In Colorado, a woman told police that she ended up in a ditch when she saw a vampire on the dirt road she was on that night. It was blocking her path, so the began backing up, but that did not end so well. The cops don’t think that alcohol or drugs contributed to the crash, so that means they’re real.
We are now less than a week away from Thanksgiving, and that means that you probably don’t care about us. You’re more focused on the feast ahead. We hear you. That’s why The Guys will be off until November 30. It’s better this way, there probably won’t be much going on in the news next week, anyway. If you were busy setting a record for longest-serving member of Congress, odds are you missed it.
Nosferatu = sexy
New Moon is out in theaters now, much to the delight of tween girls and cougars alike. The movie features that non-vampire chick with the cute vampire dude defending her from werewolves, and takes place during the day for some reason. (I missed most of the trailer.) So teenage girls are now into pasty guys who don’t get out much? Man, I graduated from high school a decade too early.
Straying from ideals? We don’t take kindly to that in the GOP
Lawmakers in South Carolina are looking into impeachment of Gov. Mark Sanford. For those of you who don’t remember, he’s the guy who went missing on the job and exported a mistress job to Argentina. The reason for the possible impeachment, dereliction of duty, making his staff lie about where he was, and crying during his apology.
Obamacare’s pubic option
This week changes to breast cancer screening and pap test guidelines caused something of an uproar. Lady part doctors and advocacy groups said that women should continue having their hoo-has and goodies checked regularly so their ladies and their nether region don’t get sick. I don’t understand a word of that medical mumbo jumbo.
A Tennessee teenager is either an extremely devout fan of True Blood or a scientific mystery. Fifteen-year old Calvino Inman has been crying out tears of blood on the regular, with no explanation as to why regular tears don’t form, unless of course, he is a blood-sucking vampire.
In related news Robert Smith is extremely sad and emo that his three decade pursuit of crying something other than tears has been a failure.
Somebody at the FTC must have received a prerecorded sales call, because they’re finally making the practice illegal. As of Tuesday, September 1, it will be illegal for businesses to place unsolicited calls. So, just like vampires, they can’t come in unless you invite them.
Wait a minute … September 1 … that’s only 6 days away from … Labor Day …
Oh. My. God. It’s finally happened! The U.S. government has declared war on capitalism and is ringing in the new Socialist year by reigning in the auto-dialing invisible Hand of the Free Market!
And if you don’t believe us, politicians are exempt from the ban!
Damn you, Obama! WE WILL BE HEARD!
Rick Snee Antidisestablishmentarianism Militia
August 1, 2009 Meeting Minutes
Attendance: 3,171, of which 3,101 were new members as of November 5, 2008.
Icebreaker: Loudest gun mods and quietest homemade silencers contest
Pat Simmons won for loudest gun modification by adding a police siren and glass pack to his Browning Automatic Rifle.
He narrowly edged out second place, (his brother) Greg Simmons’ similar modification, by yelling, “USA!” very loudly while firing. Greg tried to yell, too, but he had already lost his voice at the Ted Nugget tribute show last night at the Flying-J.
Jerome Lyzon won for quietest homemade silencer by skewering a summer sausage with his .357 magnum. For the record, Lyzon added that there’s nothing gay to be taken from that and shut up, you’re queer. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Explaining guns at health care protests
Good news, students of Boston Latin School (located in Boston, oddly enough)! Your school does not have vampires roaming the halls, according to your headmaster.
Rumors at the school have persisted that some students at the school are vampires, others are half vampires and some werewolves, too. Yet this has done little to soothe the concerns of parents, who are worried that there is someone out there, lurking in the shadows, ready to harass their sons or daughters without warning.
In response, parents will likely begin sending their kids to school with guns–loaded with silver bullets, of course.