Vampire bats finally live up to badass name

You can’t trust a vampire until you sift through their feces. #science

Of all the disappointing truths that ruin childhood, probably the worst — and yet most relieving — is that vampire bats don’t drink human blood. Well, now they do! [You can’t see us, but The Guys just fist-bumped through the heebie-jeebies.]

Biologists with one of the Top 100 Worst Jobs in the World discovered human blood during routine examinations of vampire bat feces instead of the usual bird blood. Seriously, though: you have look in the toilet after eating beets? Now imagine that with real blood, on the ground, in the Brazilian rainforest and with bats overhead. And, here’s the surprising part to us, it’s because they’re running out of birds to eat. In the rain forest. We don’t know if you remember The Rainforest Cafe in your ’90s mall of choice, but there was no avoiding birds. That’s a ridiculous bird shortage.

But, there’s a crazier story buried below why bats suddenly became the Ace of Spades in our War on Animals card deck:

Vampire bats, which live only in the Americas, feed by puncturing the skin of their prey with sharp incisors and lapping up the flowing blood, mixing it with saliva that prevents their gory meal from coagulating too quickly. Previous studies have shown that these bats don’t store fat in their bodies and can’t survive without food for more than a couple of days.

You guys! Now we know why vampires are always ripped!

Vampires need to step it up

Really, the first hit to vampires' image was when they had to take jobs on children's television.
Really, the first hit to vampires’ image was when they had to take jobs on children’s television.

Between the Twilight media franchise and clowns now outranking spiders and losing your teeth in our list of national fears, vampires need a win.

Even at their most recent “scary” peak in the ’80s and ’90s, it was more of a sexy Catholic guilty fear via Anne Rice and probably created more goths than goosebumps. (Also scarier than vampires in the ’90s? Goosebumps.)

You know how we know vampires aren’t scary anymore? People are entering a drawing to win an overnight Airbnb stay in Dracula’s castle.

They’ll sleep in velvet-lined coffins, completely unarmed. No garlic. No stakes. And the only cross they’ll bear is having an awkward dinner with Bram Stoker’s living relative trying to method act as Jonathan Harker.

Ten bucks says he plays him as Keanu Reeves.

Well, here’s your shot, vampires. Two free suckers, gift-wrapped and everything. Try not to get too much glitter and guyliner on their necks.

Vampires are totally real, vampires say

Vampires walk among us, especially if we are in New Orleans. Apparently that place is crawling with them.

At least that’s what John Edgar Browning, a postdoctoral fellow at the Georgia Institute of Technology, tells us. The vampires he has met aren’t allergic to sunlight, they don’t have the power to turn into bats, and they aren’t sparkly. But they do say they need to ingest blood in order to feel right. There are around 5,000 self-proclaimed vampires in the U.S., and 50 of them live in New Orleans.

Some of them file their teeth down into fangs. They don’t mind using the V-word, probably because they want to take the negative connotation away and make it a term only they can use.

The problem is that we don’t know much about them because they want to draw blood, not attention. If we were all a little more sensitive we could learn about vampires, and maybe one day wolfmen–sorry–wolfpeople.

Study: Vampires are more afraid of your hate than sunlight

There’s been a lot of talk about sensitivity these days. We’re trying to become a more understanding and inclusive society, and that means giving minorities a say, and recognizing them as people. But no matter how open-minded you are, you’re biased against vampires.

According to a researcher at Idaho State University, it’s exactly that fear of being shunned by society that keeps vampires away from scientific studies. According to D.J. Williams’ research, people who insist they need to ingest human blood for energy are reluctant to come out to scientists because there are such heavy biases against their lifestyle.

So look inside your heart. It’s probably filled with hate–and blood that real-life vampires would love to sample.

Family doesn’t believe in death by ass

The former mayor of Hollywood Park, Bill Bohlke, was found dead last year. Despite the death being ruled as accidental, his family is having none of it. We assume this is because the investigators decided that he was attacked by a mule, giving him an ignominious death by an ignominious animal.

As such, the family petitioned to have his body exhumed and have another investigation be undertaken.Their claim is that they want justice.

SeriouslyGuys means no disrespect to the Bohlke family, but here’s what our Seriously Investigators suspect is what they’ll find: Bill Bohlke will have become a Dracula, thus turning the city of Hollywood Park into a ghost town full of the bloodsucking undead. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Lyle’s a less-than-goth name

It happened in John Carpenter’s Vampires, it happened in From Dusk Till Dawn (and the plethora of direct to video sequels), it happened in Near Dark and it’s happening again in Galveston: Vampires.

Mind you, it’s a new day and age. Society has changed greatly since the middle ages. Gone are the capes and frilly-neck shirts! In their place lie tattoos and boxers. Away are slicked back hair! A nice buzz-cut will probably do. Names such as Alucard, Vlad, Orlock, Varney, Shaitan and Faethor are out! Names like Lyle will do the job.

Where am I going with all of this? A man, Lyle Bensley, is charged with attacking a woman in Galveston, wearing only his underoos and the ink that his tattoo artist dark lord gave him … because he is VAMPIRE! At least, that’s his side of the story. I eagerly await the “need to quench the thirst” defense being used in court.

On the plus side, according to the authorities and emergency medical personnel, the nu-age nosferatu wasn’t under the influence of drugs. So he’s got that.

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Near Dark’

The best vampire movies are usually the ones which get rid of the ground rules. e.g. no garlic, no crucifixes, a stake in the heart can kill. In Near Dark, writer/director Kathryn Bigelow throws out the rule book and creates a truly unique horror movie, which mixes the Gothic tones of vampire mythology with the vast landscapes and mannerisms of the western genre.

Near Dark is what a fast, violent vampire flick is all about. The vampires here are gritty, dirty, violent, and pissed off creatures who don’t have any plans of world domination or enslaving humanity. They just live to survive. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Near Dark’

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Let the Right One In’

Normally, we begin a hardcore look at horror movies in October; however, we’re making an exception for two reasons.

  1. The American remake of Let the Right One In, Let Me In, opens tomorrow.
  2. October begins tomorrow.

I think we can make an exception in this case, don’t you? Especially when said movie to be reviewed is the best vampire movie ever made. And no, it’s not hyperbole if it lives up to the hype. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Let the Right One In’

Nightstalkers are jaywalkers

It’s obvious that vampires are en vogue lately, thanks to Twilight and True Blood and the like. But in the midst of all this, we are forgetting the real issue here: vampires don’t actually like us very much.

In Colorado, a woman told police that she ended up in a ditch when she saw a vampire on the dirt road she was on that night. It was blocking her path, so the began backing up, but that did not end so well. The cops don’t think that alcohol or drugs contributed to the crash, so that means they’re real.

You Missed It: I’ve got a wooden stake edition

We are now less than a week away from Thanksgiving, and that means that you probably don’t care about us. You’re more focused on the feast ahead. We hear you. That’s why The Guys will be off until November 30. It’s better this way, there probably won’t be much going on in the news next week, anyway. If you were busy setting a record for longest-serving member of Congress, odds are you missed it.

Nosferatu = sexy
New Moon is out in theaters now, much to the delight of tween girls and cougars alike. The movie features that non-vampire chick with the cute vampire dude defending her from werewolves, and takes place during the day for some reason. (I missed most of the trailer.) So teenage girls are now into pasty guys who don’t get out much? Man, I graduated from high school a decade too early.

Straying from ideals? We don’t take kindly to that in the GOP
Lawmakers in South Carolina are looking into impeachment of Gov. Mark Sanford. For those of you who don’t remember, he’s the guy who went missing on the job and exported a mistress job to Argentina. The reason for the possible impeachment, dereliction of duty, making his staff lie about where he was, and crying during his apology.

Obamacare’s pubic option
This week changes to breast cancer screening and pap test guidelines caused something of an uproar. Lady part doctors and advocacy groups said that women should continue having their hoo-has and goodies checked regularly so their ladies and their nether region don’t get sick. I don’t understand a word of that medical mumbo jumbo.