It’s a pairing old as time

Hot dogs and booze have been together since the dawn of time. In Germany, schnitzel and super beer are served together. Over in Italy, wine is served with everything, including an afternoon hot dog. Japan’s got sake-dogs. Russians are 38 percent vodka-based, so when they have a hot dog (or really, anything), they just bleed a little and it’s now infused with alcohol. Now, Canada gets to get into the action.

A Vancouver location has decided to create their own pair of hot dogs and booze … except, at the same time. Literally. DougieDog Hot Dogs’ has managed to infuse a bratwurst with century-old cognac, among other things (Kobe beef, lobster and truffle oil, to name a few). These are high-end items and it happens to have a high-end price as well: 100 dollars (though it’s not been said whether that’s Canadian or United States).

Yowch, talk about a bite in the dogs.

It’s the crack pipe of caring

Vancouver, one of the many but few parts of the U.S.’s neighbor of the north, Canada, has decided that crack smokers are people too. In order to facilitate this concept, the city’s health department will now be giving fancy new crack pipes (along with other items to make sure you have an optimum crack session) to any addicts that stop by the east part of downtown Vancouver.

The glass pipes are heat-resistant and shatterproof, which experts say should reduce injury to the users’ lips and mouth — wounds that can make them more susceptible to diseases such as HIV and Hepatitis B and C.

You think you have a better idea on how to spend 60 thousand Canadian dollars?

Clark can’t save you now

If you weren’t aware of it by now, Cousin Eddie, also known by his slave name as Randy Quaid, is a bit crazy. That’s not an actual medical diagnosis (we’d save that for the dear and knowledgeable Dr. Snee), but it’s fairly accurate enough. You see, there’s been a bit of a man-hunt for both Randy and his wife, Evi, as the two have been alleged to be illegal squatters of property.

Recently though, Randy and Evi were found in Vancouver. When questioned by Canadian officials regarding their behavior, Randy stated:

he and his wife are seeking asylum there because eight of their close friends, including Australian actor Heath Ledger, have been murdered in the US and they don’t want to be next.

Such an insidious plot! People, we can’t make this up, because some people are doing that for us. Here’s the real secret conspiracy: The green stuff will kill you but the brown slop won’t.

A Whopper of a loogie

To help sort out everything in this story that could or did go horribly awry, here’s how it went down by the numbers:

1. A Sheriff’s Deputy walks into a Burger King. (Classic!)

2. He orders a Whopper, presumably with cheese and no spit.

3. The cashier screws up his poker face, raising the deputy’s suspicions.

4. The deputy sifts through his burger, layer by layer until he discovers, under the meat on the bottom bun, “a loogie filled with milky phlegm.”

5. He then takes the remains of the burger (we assume he ate the top layers since he didn’t find any spit, and there are starving children in Korea) to the boys in the lab for a DNA analysis.

6. That DNA analysis returns results pinpointing one of the employees at the Burger King, which means he either swabbed everyone there or the culprit’s DNA is on file from a prior bodily fluids-related offense.

Yep, it’s just another day in Vancouver, Washington.

You Missed It: Brief sighting edition

Reader, we’ve been together for quite some time now. We’ve had this relationship through You Missed It for nearly two years, and well, I just wanted to say how much I appreciate it. I bought you some flowers and a card to show how I feel. If you were busy saying that Jesus was gay, odds are you missed it.

Tiger spotted in the wild
Tiger Woods is sorry, America. He’s been doing a lot of thinking since the whole crazy, mixed-up Thanksgiving crash/golf club-related window removal incident. He told us so during a press conference this morning. Veronica Siwik Daniels, the adult film star mistress, brought her lawyer out for statement after Tiger’s, saying she needed an apology for all Tiger had done to her, including breaking her heart. Because when you’re a porn star and one of dozens of women sleeping with a married man and father of two, yes, you are the one who deserves an apology.

Reverse Palinization
Sarah Palin (yes, her again) and family spoke out against Family Guy for an episode this week featuring a character with Down syndrome claimed her mother was a former Alaska governor. As we all know, Palin is the one who decides who can and can’t say “retard.” (Hint: Rush Limbaugh = A-OK. Rahm Emanuel = No way, Jose.) The only problem was that the voice of the character, Andrea Fay Friedman, herself has Down syndrome, and said Palin clearly doesn’t understand the word “sarcasm.” Zing!

‘Wipeout’ no longer just a summer show
The 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics are underway, so far: one dead luger, several MedEvac’ed skiers, figure skating live every damn night, and a week’s worth of NBC’s botched coverage of the games. I don’t know, I just feel so freaking excited about this Olympiad. I think it’s going to be the best games we’ve ever seen!

Heroic cruise ship scores 50 points

Fin whales are very curious creatures and have no natural predators. They often approach ships, sometimes too closely.

Keep this in mind the next time that you ride a cruise ship. It’s make the ability to slay them for afar that much sweeter.  Like when a Princess cruise ship in Vancouver managed to impale a surfacing fin whale. That’s 50 more points for the good guys! You just saved hundreds of passengers!

London 2012, here we come!

We’ve been telling you about how the 2010 Vancouver Olympic games are going to be a little different because of the PETA/Canada seal controversy. Well, it seems England is not to be outdone by one of her Commonwealths (Commonwealves?).

In the summer of 2012, the world’s top athletes will head to London (England) for another Olympiad. The only thing is, they’ll be competing on an ancient burial ground. Forty-five severed skulls were found in the ground on a road that is being built for the new Olympic complex, and they may date back to the first century AD, when the Romans were in town.

So let’s get ready for the Haunted Olympics! Say, has anyone reserved that title, I smell a made-for-TV movie!