Tag: Vatican

Francis I: A New Pope

Were the Italians trying to kill Pope Francis by flooding the Vatican with smoking, knowing that he only has one lung?
Were the Italians trying to kill Pope Francis by flooding the Vatican with smoke, knowing that he only has one lung?

The conclave is over and Catholics have a new pope: Argentinian Jorge Bergoglio, now known by Francis I — shut up, guys. Francis is totally a guy’s name.

Now that Pope Benedict XVI has been replaced, the Guys want to assure Pope Francis that Ben was just our practice pope. We were younger when that guy got elected. You probably wouldn’t have even liked us back then, when we’d basically make fun of any dude in a white robe and red shoes.

So, yes, we’re glad he was elected … unlike those pesky Italians who congratulated God for electing Italian Cardinal Angelo Scola of Milan at the first sign of white smoke. Good thing Frank is of Italian descent  and from the most European country in South America, otherwise he might have something to worry about.

Let’s just say the Romans get a little stabby when leadership doesn’t go their way, especially around mid-March.

Love, love them don’t

The Vatican posted a new set of rules on its Web site today for how to handle pedophile cases. Apparently, the rule now is to report them to the police.

The quick response–a mere two weeks after reports started turning up in the news concerning Pope Benedict’s wild and heady days as a young archbishop–stunned critics as the Church normally embraces new ideas, like our heliocentric solar system, once every 500 years.

And just to drive the point home about forgiveness, the Vatican followed up this announcement with another one forgiving The Beatles.

You Missed It: Thanksgiving hangover edition

Welcome back everyone. Hope all of you had a safe and happy Thanksgiving–at least the American readers. All you foreigners probably don’t know what stuffing is. That’s what makes you un-American. Now that we’re in the final month of the year, indeed the decade, it’s a time to look back. Well, here at You Missed It, looking back isn’t our thing. So rather than celebrate the year that was and is still, here comes a review of not only this week but the week before. If you were busy calling up more troops for Afghanistan, odds are you missed it.

Time to consult the caddy
Tiger Woods lived a relatively quiet life–until Thanksgiving. The details are still not quite clear, but somehow Woods got in an accident outside his house, but escaped major injury. Oh, and he may have been cheating on his Swedish model wife with several women. Because of the relatively slow time for news, Woods has been inundated by the media. To remedy this, Woods has posted a man with a “Quiet Please” sign outside his front door.

And neither of them was Vince Vaughn
Tareq and Michaele Salahi got to see the inside of the White House without the hassle of waiting in line for a tour. All they did was crash a state dinner party. In a bid to get on the Washington installment of Real Housewives, the couple somehow made it through security and into the dinner, despite not having an invitation. Understandably, this has set off a flurry of questions, including “Why does Bravo need another Real Housewives of” series?

Maybe he’s rapping with God right now?
The Catholic Church this week released a playlist it is now streaming on its Web site. (Think of it as a mix tape from Jesus.) Included with the likes of Mozart is dead rapper Tupac Shakur. After being asked about the selection, the Vatican said it meant the other Machiavelli.

‘V’ actually stands for ‘Vatican’

The Catholic Church is looking into the possibility of life on other planets and how it could impact their understanding of God.

Pope Benedict XVI must have just read Chariots of Fire or something, because this isn’t really a new concept. While very little about aliens is mentioned in the Bible, this could help explain some of the more supernatural happenings. Perhaps instead of looking for angels, we should be looking for evidence of Biblical alien abductions.

As for the probings, well you can just investigate that one on your own.

Catholic Light no more

He's certainly an eighth now.Groundskeepers at St. George’s Chapel in Windsor Castle are reporting tremors.

At this point, the cause of the steady quake is unknown, but geologists have narrowed the focal point to somewhere around Henry VIII’s tomb.

They reported that the waves are undulating, which is characteristic of some sort of underground rolling motion.

When asked to comment, some Anglicans passed the blame on to homosexuals and women.

You Missed It: Unofficial beginning of summer edition

I know you’re not reading this. You, just like everyone else, have already left the office, packed up the ol’ station wagon and headed out for your Memorial Day Weekend adventure. You probably won’t even read this until we’re back on Tuesday. I don’t care. It’s my job to write these things, and I know you’re going to miss this all weekend. If you were busy chasing down historical artifacts that come to life at night, odds are you missed it.

When you think ‘hip’ you think of the Vatican
Pope Benedict XVI wants to be your friend. Well, not really, he’s got plenty already. They’re called followers, and not the Twitter kind. But the pope is trying to save your soul with a new Facebook app. Our cool pope even has an iPhone app with the latest pope-related news, a YouTube channel, and a Catholic wiki. Just in time for World Communications day, His Holiness launched a website Pope2you.com (where “Pope” is capitalized, but “you” aren’t). The Facebook app lets you keep in touch with the Holy See through the wonders of social networking. Now Pope Benedict can send you messages like “I know what site you’re planning on going to after this. See you in confession tomorrow.”

Helps make sure they still have the Right Stuff
Sure, Atlantis may have been grabbing the headlines last week, but the crew of the International Space Station is laying the headline smackdown this week. Fixing space telescopes? Please. These astronauts get to drink recycled water that came from their own pee. (Wait–what?!) Every six hours, an astronaut produces about a gallon of water from their urine. It gets recycled and purified and presto! Good to drink again. There was a time when I wanted to be an astronaut. Today, I am pleased that that dream never came true.

Also, Count Duckula’s new album drops next Tuesday
Danger Mouse (the DJ in Gnarles Barkley, not the eyepatch-sporting cartoon) has made a career out of doing strange things. First, he mashed up the Beatles with Jay-Z, then he produced that horrible Gorillaz album. Now, he’s dropping a new album. There’s just one thing, the album is not on the CD being sold. Sure, you get the case, insert, all that good stuff, but the CD is blank. In fact, it’s a CD-R. Danger Mouse wants you to buy his album, then illegally download it, burn it to the CD, then enjoy. Because, you know, that makes way more sense than just illegally downloading it and put it on your iPod.

UPDATE: Holocaust denier denied for denying to undeny

Bishop Richard Williamson, who was the topic of a Take it from Snee on February 11, was denied getting his parish back by the Pope. This announcement from the Vatican comes after a half-hearted online apology by Williamson, saying he was sorry his comments, which denied the scale of the Holocaust, caused “distress.”

So, while now-normal-person Williamson has a shot at heaven again (with really long odds), he has lost his job because he was unable to reconcile half of the History Channel’s stock footage with some crackpot theory he heard in the 1980s.

And, really, in this economy? That’s punishment.

Let this be a lesson to us all: sometimes, you’re an idiot and better off admitting it.

When in Rome, do a Roman city official

Are you frustrated with our current political climate?  Do you find yourself saying more and more that you’re moving to Canada or Australia if so and so doesn’t get elected?

Then perhaps you should consider Italy, where a porn star is using pictures of her tookhas to campaign for a seat in Rome’s city hall.  (To be fair, voters will want to be sure that she’ll fit in the chair.)

Her “if-I’m-elected” promise: a red light district within, um, spitting distance of the Vatican.

If that doesn’t seal the deal for you, then maybe this will get you to the passport office:

“D’Abbraccio, in her 40s, isn’t the first adult entertainer to dip her painted toenails into Italian politics. Ilona Staller, known as “Cicciolina”, sat in parliament in the 1980s and was famous for her impromptu stripteases.”