A lot of poop news to take care of

Or he’s retiring to avoid copyright infringement lawsuits from the “South Park” creators.

We took a week off (and our layout seems to have taken an extended vacation), so you might have missed some of the most important world news–namely, poop news. We’re backed up with poop news, so let’s bear down and get through it.

Canada is in shock after the beloved Mr. Floatie announced his retirement from public life. Mr. Floatie, a turd mascot with a face, white gloves and a sailor hat (really), has been an icon in Victoria, British Columbia since 2004. He called attention to the city’s practice of dumping raw sewage into the ocean. Now, with the city building a sewage treatment plant, his job is done. The poop mascot was the hero his city needed. We will miss you, Mr. Floatie.

In Venezuela, there’s more than just political activism in the air. The country’s National Guard reported that rioters threw bottles filled with feces and water at them during a protest last week. The devices are called “poopootov cocktails,” obviously in homage to the great Soviet General Vasily Poopootov, who helped push back the Nazi invasion during World War II by flinging poop at German forces.

Venezuelan golfers may lead their country to war with Swiss

Things are tense right now in Venezuela, as golf balls could trigger an international incident.

Switzerland and Venezuela, natural enemies for as long as anyone can remember, appear to be on the brink of war because people can’t keep their drives in the fairway. The Swiss ambassador’s residence has been pelted with golf balls because it borders a hole at the Caracas Country Club. The ambassador has warned Venezuela that the Swiss people will not tolerate such an affront to their national pride, going to far as to post a sign warning that should an errant golf ball injure or kill anyone in Swiss territory, it would violate the Vienna Convention.

These are dark days. Let us all hope that the traditionally hawkish Swiss cool down, and Venezuelan golfers improve their aim.

Comic Sans’ Latino totalitarian younger brother

ChavezPro: the preferred font for every world leader who dresses like Francis Buxton from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure.
ChavezPro: the preferred font for every world leader who dresses like Francis Buxton from Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure.

Things are getting a bit … North Korea-y in Venezuela a year after Hugo Chavez’s death.

First, his successor, Nicolas Maduro, claims to have twice received otherworldly visits/messages from Chavez in the form of birds.

Then, Venezuela’s ruling Socialist Party declared Chavez their “eternal leader.”

And now, party supporters have launched a font patterned after Chavez’s handwriting: ChavezPro.

The joke’s on the Socialists, though. Although they distribute the file for free in accordance with their principles, Hot Topic will make millions off of it by printing it on $30 t-shirts.

Grah! Photoshop smash!

Veritable institutions like the Vatican and the White House are on their toes today because Benetton, an Italian clothing retailer, photoshopped pictures of their leaders kissing their “enemies.”

The Vatican threatened legal action, while Head American Catholic Blogger Bill Donohue blogged some, over a picture of Pope Benedict XVI kissing Imam Ahmed Mohamed el Tayeb. Meanwhile, the White House endured some stupid questions in the press room, this time over the picture of President Obama kissing Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.

All in all, Benetton’s “Unhate” campaign has been a success. They’ve only had to pull the picture of the pope, and everyone else has helped make sure we all know the-damn-well who they are. And all it cost was about $200 for a Photoshop license.

At least someone’s listening

Hey kids! Are you having trouble sleeping at night? Of course you’re not, you’re a kid, you don’t want to go to bed because you’re not tired.

Hey parents! Are you sick of having to get your children to sleep at night? Do you feel bad about how many times you drug them so they’ll pass out? Just have them watch one of Venezuela President Hugo Chavez’s speeches.

Chavez said several children have told him that they recognize him from the television–when they go to sleep. The children were promptly executed.

Warrior(s) of the Week challenger: Franck’s Pharmacy

Earlier this week, we told you about how a bunch of horses from Venezuela “mysteriously died” just hours before a polo race. Well, it would now seem that the actual culprit was Franck’s Pharmacy, which “incorrectly” gave the wrong doseage amount. We can learn two things from this situation:

1. SeriouslyGuys is not guilty of any crime, no matter how valiant the activity was.
2. Putting words in quotations marks is awesome.

It’s a golden age for the Elmer’s industry

Listen. Do you hear it? That wonderful sound whistling through the air? It’s the blessed sound of silence. But no, no lambs were involved. For today, we instead heard …

… The Silence of the Horses.

Which SeriouslyGuys would just like you to know that we had no involvement in whatsoever. You couldn’t prove it anyway.

Over twenty polo horses suddenly lost the will to live mere hours before they were set to race in Sunday’s polo match in Wellington, Florida. Coincidentally enough, the horses all came from a Venezuelan based team. We don’t know what you put in the water down there, Venezuela, but keep it up!

Mister Ed was asked to respond, but declined to comment. Sources say it may be due to a lack of readily available peanut butter.

Chavez officially booted from message boards

Just like Hitler, German Chancellor Merkel also enjoys writing in her spare time, parades, and getting kissies from western leaders.Venezuelan President, Hugo Chavez, is renowned for his trolling. He frequently calls U.S. President Bush “the devil” and also spams Internet message boards with excerpts from Marx and “RON PAUL IN 2008!”

Yesterday, however, he crossed a line: in his counterargument against German Chancellor Angela Merkel, who urged Latin America to give Chavez a geopolitical “time-out,” Chavez compared her to Hitler.

  • They’re both German.
  • Hitler was once a Chancellor.
  • They were both political leaders in Germany.
  • Merkel loves dogs, too.
  • Merkel enjoys Raiders of the Lost Ark, but always “falls asleep” before the end where the Nazis’ faces melt.  (Spoiler alert!)

In response to these latest claims, his memberships to Total Fark, DeviantArt and Salon have been suspended for First Degree Godwinning. To get his screennames reinstated, Chavez will have to renew his IP address and create new Gmail accounts–a very stiff penalty indeed.