It’s a mountain, not a moose-tain

The moose is back and baby, it’s back with a bunch moose-itude! A man in Vermont was casually minding his own business, simply skiing when a crazed moose began charging him! The horror!

If it wasn’t for the quick thinking of Jeff Palmer*, the moose could have done some serious damage to him. Back off, the plural form of moose! The mountains are ours, not yours!

*Three things everyone knows:

  • If a moose charges you, run into the woods.
  • The real voice of a moose is Brad Garrett.
  • Jazz was the tall military commando with the banging hair in Transformers.

It’s the wild west town of the future

Come November, Waterbury, Vermont, may become the most lawless place of the planet. Literally.

The village’s had a lot of financial problems over the past few years, but despite major cuts throughout, the police department has had very few (especially in comparison). But, money is money, and there’s just not enough of it in the village’s budget. As such, it’ll now be brought to the people, come November’s ballot, where they’ll be able to decide via vote if the money that goes to the police department needs to be reallocated somewhere else.

It’s not easy going through tough economic patches. That said, don’t be surprised if you see the rise of criminals in the town such as William the Adolescent or Jessuelyn Jameson.

Victory is the sweetest taste of all

Chalk up another win for the food police of Vermont. Who knew hippies could be so stubborn? Starting February 1, McDonald’s customers in the state will be able to request 100 percent real maple syrup with their Fruit and Maple Oatmeal, after the Vermont Agency of Agriculture (VAA) called the company out for using the term maple in its advertising earlier this month.

Remember, there is no actual maple product in the menu item, which is kind of a violation of Vermont’s strict maple law.

Vermont Gov. Peter Shumlin said that the only maple ingredient found in the Fruit and Maple Oatmeal was extracted from the bark of a bush that is a distant relative of the maple tree. That didn’t sit well with state officials, who immediately contacted McDonald’s about the sweet stuff.

For you eaters outside of Vermont, getting real maple syrup in your oatmeal remains a DIY-project. This settlement applies only to Vermont locations. Grrr.

The Golden Arches lack the sweet brown syrup

Factoid: a lot of food products that say “maple” in their name don’t really have even a single drop of real maple syrup. This is disturbing to people such as me, who absolutely love and crave maple syrup. The latest item to be found in this is McDonald’s Fruit & Maple Oatmeal. I’m not really a Mickey D’s person myself, so I can let them pass, but the people of Vermont? The people of Vermont take their maple very seriously and they want a change.

Says Former Vermont Agriculture Secretary Roger Allbee:

“Our maple laws say if it’s a natural maple product it has to have maple syrup. And it has to show that it has maple syrup and they haven’t done that yet…

We have communicated to McDonald’s that in order for them to be in compliance with the product, because we want them to do the right thing, they have to change the ingredients and labeling and we hope they do that.”

The perfect situation would be for McDonald’s to add real maple syrup to the oatmeal as it’s delicious and I don’t care if I end up with diabetes because of it but they’ll be fine with the corporate arches not using “maple” in the name of the product or its advertising. A statement released says that the business giant is in discussions to ensure state standards.

We like to think that these discussions involve the purchase of the state.

Shroud of trailin’ sold separately

Jesus comes in many forms and flavors: buddy, raptor, animated, internet and historically accurate (aka, black, aka, real) are just some of the ways he appears. However, there might be a new one arising (in three days, of course)-trailer park.

A valuable relic, a small piece of wood said to be a part of the cross on which Jesus was crucified, was stolen from a Boston church. Investigators looked high, and investigators looked low, but nary a splinter could be found. Until a tip was given. Police then went to Vermont to find the relic. Where did they find it?

In a trailer park. Possibly right beside a bottle as well. And a rusting air conditioner window unit.

Richard Duncan, a partner in the burglary, called Vermont state police from a trailer park about the item as he was arguing with an accomplice about it. Said partner, Earl Frost, returned the piece of wood to the barracks, but has now, for all intents and purposes, disappeared, contrary to the desires of the police.

Just how valuable was this object?

Church officials estimated the relic’s street value at between $2,300 and $3,800, but said the item is “priceless” to the church.

Of course it was.

The dangerous moose

While the winter’s cold has relegated most enemy combatants to hibernate or attack only in the south, animals in the colder climates have managed to find ways of getting to us humans. In Vermont, a moose has taken up residence in one person’s back yard for several months.

Named Rocky, because Vermonters often mistake moose for flying squirrels and boxers, the moose has become something of a roadside attraction, because it will walk up to cars and greet the people inside–not with words, yet. This blog is extremely worried about this, because not only is the moose lulling people into a sense of trust, officials think it may have a brainworm disease, which this blog thinks it was sent to give to as many humans as moosely possible.