Vermont in chaos after maple syrup spill

Our hearts go out to those affected by last night’s horrible tragedy in Vermont last night. We offer our thoughts and prayers as recovery efforts begin.

The northbound lanes of Interstate 91 had to be shut down last night after a barrel of maple syrup fell off a truck and coated the roadway. Authorities say the incident happened just a few miles away from the Canadian border. We don’t know the origin or destination of the cargo, but it seems reasonable to guess that Vermont’s famous maple syrup was being shipped up to Canada.

With incidents like these, it’s a wonder that Canada doesn’t build a wall to keep this kind of danger out.

Squirrel brings Vermont government to a halt

We now live in a world where our animal foes can shut down the government. Let thank sink in for a moment.

Last week, a Vermont Senate committee was discussing marijuana legalization (we thought it was legal there, too) when all of a sudden, the lights went out. It turned out that a squirrel took out a transformer powering the statehouse. There’s no two ways about it, folks, this is terrorism. Our animal foes are seeking to drive our policies by striking fear into the hearts of elected officials.

Apparently they are also against legalizing pot. We will not let the terrorists win.

Runaway emu punished with ride in Prius

Speaking of animals and embarrassing cars, if you have a Prius, you can probably defeat any emu on the face of the earth.

An emu was on the loose in New Hampshire, terrorizing towns for over a week. It turns out that the bird had wandered about 80 miles from the farm in Vermont that it calls home. When the emu, Beatrice, was finally captured by authorities, the owner recognized it. In order to get it home, they put her in the back of a Prius.

Public humiliation is a great way to keep animals in their place.

The McBournie Minute: Why ‘Super Troopers 2’ is a bad bet

Comedian, writer and TV host Neal Brennan once mocked crowdfunding with the above tweet. It’s sort of funny to think about all those campaigns out there begging for your money, like the guy with the handwritten sign you ignore on your way to work. I’ve always found it funnier to watch certain projects wildly beat their goals, only to get slogged down in development or some other bump in the road neither they, nor their investors, saw coming. Remember that Android-based game console from a couple years ago? Whoops.

It’s made much more sense to me to invest only in things made by people who have previously made something of value. If someone has done work that I truly enjoyed, and for some reason can’t get the funding for his or her next project through the traditional channels, I’ll consider making a meager donation. Except for Zach Braff. Screw that guy.

So when Broken Lizard came knocking at my laptop asking for a handout, why did I turn them away? Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Why ‘Super Troopers 2’ is a bad bet

Snake terrorizes Vermont college campus

It’s well known that boa constrictors are taking over parts of Florida, but not so much in Vermont. That’s why students at one college there are on high alert.

A rainbow boa constrictor was discovered missing from its cage at Castleton State College last week and hasn’t been seen since. Authorities believe the snake was stolen, but that’s probably just a cover story to keep everyone calm. They don’t want the public to know that a deadly snake is on the loose, hunting college kids for sport.

Drugs now possibly giving powers to people

Stay with us on this one.

A man caused a crash in Vermont. He managed to do so not with a moving vehicle, but with the powers of his body under drugs. WooOOOoooOOOOooo.

Actually, he managed to create a crash with his moving vehicle, but there might have been more to it. Having consumed LSD and pot, James Pollner proceeded to strip naked and run onto a highway after plowing into a vehicle.

Troopers say Pollner admitted to consuming LSD and marijuana prior to the crash. He did not say why he was naked.

I’m going to go with the LSD and pot consumption for the why.

The streets! They run red!

The streets will soon run red with blood as a bloodmobile crashed!

Correction: The accident took place on a Vermont interstate.

Okay. Well, then, the asphalt ran red!

Actually, the bloodmobile crashed into a median.

Fine. The grass of the median will grow thanks to the blood of donors!

Well, while the front of the bloodmobile received a lot of damage, that was it.

Blood?

Not a drop is being reported as having been spilt.

Secession fiction growing popular among Texas’ literate

If you’ve ever wished Texas wasn’t part of the United States, you’re not alone, but probably not for the reason you’re thinking of. Texas has recently developed a fetish for secessionist fiction. People are writing books about Texas leaving the modern-day union because the federal government is too oppressive.

Strangely enough, the books seem to be written by conservatives, about Texans who are sick of a liberal administration, so they decide to call it quits. But the authors totally don’t support secession, guys. This is totally different. It’s about a once-independent state’s free spirit.

Sure, Texas was an independent republic in before joining the Union in 1845, but it wasn’t the first. Vermont was its own country from 1777 to until it became part of the U.S. in 1791. It seems Texas is behind the times again. Secessionist fiction? That’s so 1987.

It’s a mountain, not a moose-tain

The moose is back and baby, it’s back with a bunch moose-itude! A man in Vermont was casually minding his own business, simply skiing when a crazed moose began charging him! The horror!

If it wasn’t for the quick thinking of Jeff Palmer*, the moose could have done some serious damage to him. Back off, the plural form of moose! The mountains are ours, not yours!


*Three things everyone knows:

  • If a moose charges you, run into the woods.
  • The real voice of a moose is Brad Garrett.
  • Jazz was the tall military commando with the banging hair in Transformers.