More Jailonia than Stankonia

Devastating news has been revealed, friends. Devastating!

Big Boi of Outkast has been arrested! Now, here are the points to keep in mind:

1. He was arrested for illegal possession of drugs. That’s fairly gangster.
2. Said drug being illegally possessed was Viagra. Not so gangster.

Mind you, he was also charged with illegal possession of Ecstasy, so there’s that. I mean, in today’s culture, while not as street as crack, it shows a desire to diversify, and that’s smart.

But that’s not where the devastating news comes from. No, the devastating news is that clearly Big Boi has problems keeping his Southernplayalisticadillacmuzik up,as evidenced by him having possession of Viagra. Because that’s obviously the only reason for why he has it. Well, that or he pulmonary arterial hypertension. Which, in this case, might actually be more gangster.

Fake viagra is the most egregious fake blue pill of them all

So it’s a Friday night and you’re looking for a good time. Me? I tend have a few drinks with friends. But maybe you need some Viagra to get you through the shame of having to deal with a hooker (not that there’s anything wrong with that in Las Vegas).

The National Police Agency in Japan has announced that even more yakuza have been arrested in an Osaka drug ring for selling fake Viagra to thrill seekers like yourself. Two Yamaguchi-gumi members were arrested again on charges of unauthorized pharmaceutical sales, with a third member also getting thrown in the clink.

The police found 13,000 fake Viagra tablets in a Naniwa condo, which they believe is one of the bases for the drug ring. Officials suspect that the drug profits are being redirected back to the organization itself. The three yakuza who were arrested are suspected of selling 120 pills without a license to three men for about 39,000 yen between April 27 and May 5.

So what’s wrong with the fake Viagra? No, the problem is that it’s equivalent to about two regular Viagra. You might think that having a raging hard-on that could take down small cities with one fell swoop wouldn’t be that bad, except for when you watch an episode of House or E.R. and realize how exactly to rid yourself of a little condition called priapism. That, and the fake pills can cause heart attacks and death. Yeep.

I guess it’s lucky for the customers of the yakuza that they made it out unscathed. Although one of them even had the audacity to complain, “It was relatively cheap and it worked. What’s the crime in that?” Double yeep.

We’ll cure that four hour erection now

The pharmaceuticals industry has changed the way we view old age. Old men used to be creepy; now they’re creepy with boners.

As a result of Generation Viagra, women have fallen behind. While the average 55-year-old woman can remain sexually active for an additional 11 years, the average 55-year-old clinically-induced chubbie will continue to hump her leg until the undertaker forcibly restrains him.

If you thought that was bad enough, the fastest growing age group with STDs are the elderly. (Your grandmother apparently prefers to “ride bareback.”)

So, think about that next time you’re visiting older relatives.

The McBournie Minute: Take your smutty pills elsewhere, bub!

Rep. Jim Moran, D-Va., is my representative in the House of Representatives of these here United States of America. I’m really not sure if I voted for him, when I was in the voting booth I just voted for women and and guys whose names sounded ethnic-y. But if I did vote for Moran, due to some confusion on my part that he was Hispanic, I am proud I made the informed vote.

The distinguished gentlemen from the Commonwealth of Virginia is taking a stand against one of the most pressing issues our country faces today. You guessed it: erectile dysfunction ads.

Since the late 1990s, these ads have been plaguing America. They were subtle then, because we were all naive–that and Viagra had a corner on the market. But a few years back, Cialis, Levitra (from the Latin root “levitat,” to make rise) and others came on the scene. Suddenly, there was market competition, which meant one thing: scrap the subtleties and innuendos, throw Bob Dole out the window and start beating Americans over the head with what their product will do. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Take your smutty pills elsewhere, bub!

We’re going to Cancun for senior week!

Sure, Mexico City is the biggest city in the Western Hemisphere, it’s dirty, the air’s bad, the water isn’t safe to drink, the power goes out now and then for no reason and it’s overpopulated, but damn if the senior citizens aren’t happy!

As reported by our sister site, HombresSeriamentes.com, Mexico City is giving out free Viagra, Levitra and Cialis to its senior (or is it “señor?”) citizens. The theory behind this is that sex is important to one’s wellbeing. Just ask our very own Rick Snee, who is now as healthy as a horse. (Note: Eight Belles was healthy as a horse at Belmont before she ended up breaking her ankles and getting euthanized on the track.)

Not only will this mean old people could need less medical treatment (aside from a broken hip), but it means the men will probably not need canes anymore.

Man up, ladies

Are you having trouble “getting it up” in the sack, ladies? (What? We’re not gynecologists.)

It must be really troubling because your old man keeps popping Viagra like it’s the Rapture, but where’s your little blue pill? Sure, he gets a medical boner, but you still have to get excited by his wrinkly liver spots?

Not anymore, thanks to Science! If you’re having trouble drinking-in that tall glass of prune juice you call a man, just slap on a testosterone patch. You won’t just want arbitrary, clinical sex. You’ll also:

  • Get into more fistfights.
  • Discover the allure of fishing.
  • Believe you would have made an awesome pirate.
  • Shave.

Testosterone: make yours bigger.

Coc–err, rock the vote

Attention politicians: Are you trying to figure out a way to get re-elected? Or are you looking for some way, any way, to boost your approval ratings before you leave office? You probably want to take the advice of the mayor of a Chilean town.

You may want to consider giving out free Viagra to the voters–this blog would suggest limiting it to the male population. Yes, Gonzalo Navarette, mayor of Lo Prado, is giving the penis pills to citizens of his town, provided a doctor can confirm that each man suffers from erectile dysfunction. Why is he doing this? Because an active sex life helps keep one healthy.

Insert a “poll” joke here.

Viagra in Israeli cockpits

Adding fuel to feminist theories about the phallic nature of missiles in combat, the Israeli air force plans to give combat pilots Viagra.

Israeli army doctors are considering the decision based on Viagra’s positive effects on mountain climbers at high altitudes. Viagra apparently reduces high blood pressure in lungs when they are hard-up for oxygen.

There is no word from the Israeli government as to whether they will need to redesign the control stick to avoid confusion in the heat of the moment.