British ambassador escapes wild boar attack

When we see animal attacks on mankind, the incidents tend to be limited to one country, and involve common folk, rather than leaders. Folks, we may be seeing an escalation.

In Austria, a British ambassador escaped an assassination attempt by a wild boar. Leigh Turner, the U.K. ambassador to Austria, was exploring a nature park in Vienna when he came across a group of wild boars. Though he tried to verbally parry his way out of the situation, the beasts would have none of it. One of the boars charged at him.

Luckily, British ambassadors are in shape. Turner was able to climb up a tree before the boar reached him. He sustained minor injuries from his impromptu climb.

It is clear the animals want to cause international incidents to throw us into chaos. We must be vigilant.

Austria officially crazy and lonely

Warning: video starts on the link, it can be paused.

We don’t care much for animals. They’re not nearly as subservient as they should be and worst of all, many of them attack us at a chemical level.

Unfortunately, Austria may have decided to become species traitors by combining both traits into one neat location. The country has allowed Cafe Neko to be opened in Vienna. Cafe Neko is a cat cafe. In other words, it’s a place that allows patrons to interact with cats while they eat.

We at SG don’t exactly understand why people might want to have cat hair in their food. It’s puzzling to us and would probably lead to a Google search that will only end in nightmares.

If only there were Baby Tylenol …

Salieri betrayed Shiva.

For years, we’ve wondered why–WHY!?–God took Mozart away from us so early. Imagine if he had lived longer: the works he could have still written, the crossover into other genres, the inevitable greatest hits album and maybe even a concert with the greatest band of all time, The Monkees.

Alas! No, he died–he died!–like all the brilliant ones do, at home with a “miliary fever.” (This must be Austrian for “couldn’t breathe his vomit.”)

But, is this the whole story? According to a Dutch study, he may have contracted the strep throat that was going around in Vienna in the winter of 1791. No big deal, right?

Wrong. In an unlikely twist, as the strep gripped his throat, it caused a complication in–of all places–his liver. QED, b@$%hes. That’s one dead Wolfgang.

So it was murder!

The best protests come from the liver … I mean, heart

How to effectively protest against drunk driving charges:

1. Stay sober. Remember, when you’re on the road, you can’t protest drunk driving charges if you’re over the legal limit. Plus, there’s that whole safety thing.

2. Idle hands create idle … stuff. If you are drinking, swallow throw away those keys. All of them. Yes, even the spares that you may have. Instead, get busy, by putting together a puzzle, calling your friends or walking around on the tops of the cars around you. Enjoy a delicious castor oil-toothpaste-Vick’s Vap O Rub cocktail. Put together your “Anti-Drunk Driving Charge” protest rally sign. Anything but fiddling with those car keys of yours.

3. Don’t bug the po-lice. If you have gotten a DUI (or its equivalent in your country), lay off the sauce. Don’t drink anymore. Don’t drive anymore. Don’t go to the police headquarters in order to discuss “their mistake”. Just get out your checkbook, pay your fine, mail it off and twiddle your thumbs for the next 5 weeks.

Unfortunately, it would seem that people in Vienna just don’t know how to take our advice.

Breaking news:

Vienna has just now gotten access to

Oh. My, well, this is slightly awkward.

You Missed It: Father knows best edition

In case you had not heard from any of the estimated 800,000 news media reports, the economy seems to be heading toward the crapper, if it’s not already there. So if you were busy joining in on the run on the banks, odds are you missed it.

Vienna incest uncovered
On Sunday, the story broke that Josef Fritzl, 73, had fathered seven children with his daughter, after allegedly keeping her and her children held hostage for more than 20 years. Friztl was arrested and the daughter and her children are seeing therapists. Strange sex practices? Holding young women against their will? Law enforcement splitting up families? And they say Europeans are so different from Americans.

The newest ‘Grant Theft Auto’
Grant Theft Auto IV began shipping this week to people who pre-ordered it. Copies of the game quickly sold out in stores and record first-week sales numbers are expected. The game is receiving rave reviews from critics across the board. Also excited about the game’s early success: politicians running for office and looking for the next great witch hunt.

D.C. Madam now deceased madam
Deborah Jeane Palfrey, better known as the D.C. Madam, hanged herself in a shed next to her mother’s house in Florida. Reports indicate Palfrey had planned suicide before going to prison long in advance. There is no doubt many federal officials are crying their eyes out this week now that the D.C. Madam has gone to that big bordello in the sky.

Record high disapproval ratings
A CNN/Opinion Research Corp. poll released Thursday shows that 71 percent of Americans disapprove of President George Bush–higher than any other president in modern history. After hearing the poll numbers, Bush made a statement acknowledging the poor showing and reminded the Americans that there was still a chance they could be invited to Jenna Bush’s wedding if they change their minds.