From thongs to Depends in no time

Imagine this scenario: You’re a hip and happening 23 year old. Your doctor gives you a new drug cocktail to combat your diet. Now, fast forward just a few days or so. You’re now a hip and happening 73 year old. You’ve not changed from one person to another, you’re still the same person, you just look like you’ve aged 50 years.

Either everything around you will now dim and Rod Serling will appear, cigarette in hand and ready to give a closing narration or you’re Nguyen Thi Phuong.

Phuong, a Vietnamese woman, was given a new medication to fight an allergic reaction to seafood. The mixture has somehow led to her contracting lipodystrophy, a rare condition, or mastocytosis, an incurable disorder. Doctors aren’t sure at the moment what truly led to her contracting what, but they do know for sure that she looks as if she needs to be put into a retirement home. Because that skin is wriiiiiiiiinkllllllllled.

He’ll hear from Obadiah Stane’s lawyer

Wang Kang is a man on a mission.

That mission is not to stop crime.
That mission is not to commit crimes.
That mission is not to impress his colleagues.
That mission is definitely not to get laid.

Wang Kang’s mission is to build a replica of the Iron Man MK-1 armor from the beginning of Iron Man (Vietghaniban terrorists not included) out of foam, wires and tubes (he almost had the ingredients that were used to put together the first internet), and then, successfully wear it to his job.


Blumenthal served in Vietnam … era

Richard Blumenthal, the attorney general of Connecticut, has a reputation for making outlandish statements. We even know him from trying to shut down Wii beer pong. But yesterday was worse.

It came out yesterday that Blumenthal, who is running for the U.S. Senate, did not actually serve in Vietnam, despite making many carefully worded claims he did, and at least once just flat out saying he did. In reality, he got at least five deferments, and then got into the Marine Corps Reserve, keeping him out of the war.

The McBournie Minute: History That Happened in the Past (1960-1969)

My apologies for not telling you last week what came after the 1950s. With Labor Day and all, we were off from work and observing the Holy Day of the Worker by refraining from blogging. Today I am pleased to tell you that the 1960s came after the 1950s, but they are more commonly referred to as The Sixties.

For America, it marked a time of great change, you may have heard about that once or twice. But is what happened forty years ago really over? Of course not, the Baby Boomers are still around arguing over whether or not we won the Vietnam War.

Hit the jump, do some ‘ludes and free your soul, man. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: History That Happened in the Past (1960-1969)

Let’s face it, it’s tough to beat Vietnam

When it comes to killing off dolphins, few do it better than the southeast Asians. Some of you may remember all the way back to January 2008, when some fishermen from Bangladesh caught a rare Ganges River dolphin in the Ganges River (of all places and beat it to death, then dragged it through the streets.

Now, it seems our, um, “allies” in Vietnam are on the case. We don’t know what exactly they are doing to their dolphins in the Mekong River, but whatever it is, it’s working. Environmental groups that hate humanity say that there are as few as 64 of them left.

Good job, guys! We’re are on the verge of yet another victory. Keep up the good work and we’ll see you when this whole crazy war is over.

OK, who’s been slacking?

Listen, animal warriors. When you tell us you’re doing your part to keep all animal life at bay, we believe you. Why? Because we thought we could trust you.

So, do you want to explain why scientists found over 1,000 new and thought-to-be-extinct species stuffed in the Mekong Delta? Did you think we wouldn’t eventually look in there?

It’s not just the deception that hurts, but look what’s been sitting in there this whole time:

  • 11 million-year-old rats
  • Spiders with foot long(!) legspans
  • Hot pink cyanide-producing dragon millipedes
  • Bright green pit vipers
  • Horned bovines

It’s like you’re trying to hide the worst from us.

Fortunately, the people of the Mekong are trying to help clean up your mess.

“There are cultural obstacles to protecting rare species, too. Many restaurants serve them as food. Restaurants often have rickety bamboo floors that one can look through to see cages filled with exotic animals, [Dekila] Chungyalpa [, Director of the World Wildlife Fund’s Mekong Program,] says. The more exotic the animal, the more status it often bestows on the person who consumes it.”

Until you prove that you’re trustworthy, we’re afraid that we cannot give you nice things anymore. Now get back to work. We don’t want to see you until dinner. (It’s Ocelot Helper Night.)