Take it from Snee: Shut up and take it

My entreaties for peace fell on deaf ears (deaf eyes?) last week. I offered you people spaghetti and puppies, but look at us now: talking about potentially fighting in the streets if conditions are just right. We’re on the verge of a revolutionary civil world war, and it’s all because some people refuse to stop talking about threats.

Oh, did you think I was gonna take your side in this, Democrats and people who don’t like to be touched? No freakin’ way.

There are institutions to protect, practices to defend, and you have called down the thunder by daring to speak your opinion and effect change. And then, when we respond like a rational mob, you dare to accuse us of getting violent or angry?

Well. Conservative activists, Catholic apologists, school bullies and now I, Rick Snee, have had enough of your backtalk. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Shut up and take it

Getting your back will cost extra tokens

False idols are everywhere. You can look for them high, you can look for them low, and no matter what, you’ll probably find them. Whether they’re Plaxico Burress, Elvis Presley, the Mighty Morphin’ Power Ranger, Kermit D. Frog or Stewie from Family Guy, if you’re following one, you’re probably a sheep that may or may not need to be culled. Still, hard feelings or resentment aside, we should all be able to agree on one thing–large anthropomorphic animals should never be made idols.

Unfortunately, there’s a chain of temples devoted to one such false idol. Double unfortunate is that these locations are often nothing more than a hotbed of violence. This false idol’s name? Chuck E. Cheese.

Mock me now, but it’s true. A string of wanton violence has begun appearing at Chuck E. Cheese’s all over the nation. Laugh all you want (Lord knows I did when I first saw the headline, thus knowing it must be our Headline of the Day), but you cannot deny the truth-scary things happen at a place where “a kid can be a kid.” For example, a six-year-old was approached by a woman in her thirties while he was playing a game. As he attempted to insert more tokens into the machine and continue playing, the woman confiscated his tokens and told him to let other people play. The boy naturally informed his mother, who was then screamed at by the token-thief before a thirty-something male grabbed the 26-year-old mother by the throat and slammed her into the video-game machine.

This is just why we cannot harbor such clear species traitorism. How can we live in peace when followers of a giant animal obviously cannot? Oh yeah, another good idea-probably not serving booze at a place for children. I’m just saying, is all.

Take it from Snee: Lightning Round 3 (Hard Thunder)

So we just got through an election and the first half of Thanksgristmas, and that means I had to listen to a lot of stupid. This is the third time we’ve gone through this, so I shouldn’t have to explain it to you.

And if you’re new here, welcome and try not to get your ass in my foot’s way. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Lightning Round 3 (Hard Thunder)

Science: Bullies like being jerks

A new study published in the journal Biological Psychology presents evidence suggesting that bullies like inflicting pain and even watching others in pain.

To test this theory, they showed footage of pain to “unusually aggressive 16 to 18-year-old males” and a group of normal ones.

Obviously, they figured out which ones were super aggressive by putting all of them in a giant race, realizing the ones caring baseball bats were their experiment group.

The “normal” males’ pleasure brain nubs did not light up when showed footage of pain, while the aggressive ones furiously masturbated. When the bullies were angered because the slide show was done, the researches put them in a room with kittens to calm them down.

Surprisingly, no kittens were hurt, although one was photographed without permission and put into a YouTube video to the soundtrack of Schindler’s List.

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Ichi The Killer’

As June pulls to a close, we conclude “Asian Cinema is fricking crazy” with a movie that might embody that theme more than any movie in history. Heck, it might just embody the last two words better than any other movie in history. Coming from the utterly demented mind of Takashi Miike, “Ichi the Killer” is easily one of the most controversial films of the last decade, and with good reason. Consisting of a hyper stylized visceral barrage of over the top gore, torture and rape, which hangs loosely on a threadbare skeleton of inconsequential plotting and that boasts a madman’s sense of logic. Whilst all this is certainly true, as Ichi the Killer is incredibly grotesque and overwhelmingly sadistic, beneath the surface lurks a fierce intelligence, albeit a psychotic one, which attempts to make an intellectual point through antagonizing and unapologetically provoking its viewer rather, than any kind of given subtlety. By all means, this movie is not for any one with an aversion to violence of any amount.

Interested yet? Hit the jump for more. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Ichi The Killer’

South and South: The nonalcoholic drums of war

In our continuing coverage of the border dispute between Tennesse and Georgia, emotions are running high. Not only does Georgia want Tennessee’s water, but they also want to turn at least one Tennessee town dry.

Citizens of Copperhill, Tenn. share half of their city with McCaysville, Ga. The Tennesse half serves alcohol; the Georgia side hates America. If Georgia lawmakers get their way and move the Georgia border north one mile, Copperhill will become part of McCaysville’s dry county.

This latest development means the war is no longer about resources, but a way of life. It will surely come to violence now:

“Even 14-year-old Michelle Martinez, walking home from school in Copperhill, grimaced at the suggestion of suddenly living in another state.

“‘If I wanted to live in Georgia I’d [invade] down there,’ she said[, shaking her grandpappy’s rifle in the direction of those teetotalling so’s-and-so’s].”