ESPN is known for making terrible decisions, from apology tours for rapist athletes, to hyping a guy who is mediocre at two sports because he’s a Christian, to talking about ball inflation for a year because they don’t want to cover hockey. But like all great innovators, ESPN has found a way to top itself.
It was announced late last night, under the cover of darkness, that announcer Robert Lee would be removed from calling the University of Virginia football team’s home opener. The supposed reasoning behind it is that Lee’s name is too similar to Confederate General Robert E. Lee, whose statue white supremacistsneo-Nazisthe KKK a group of free speech enthusiasts (who happened to all be angry white dudes but are surely fine people) held a deadly rally for in Charlottesville earlier this month. Robert E. Lee, of course, fought a war over free speech.
Broadcaster Robert Lee, however, isn’t the same person. As far as we know, they are in no way related, either. Finally, both the white supremacists and the people they want murdered en masse can agree on an issue.
Clown sightings are up, and not the good kind … if there ever was such a thing.
One of the latest eyewitness accounts occurred in The Guys’ home state of Virginia. (We all have alibis.) The clown, described as having green hair, approached a woman sitting in a parked car, touched her shoulder through the open window and growled at her.
Similar scenarios are being reported across the country, leading us to ask: Has anyone seen Jared Leto lately? He allegedly went a skosh overboard with his method acting as the Joker in Suicide Squad, had most of his scenes cut and was overwhelmingly panned for his portrayal. Of anyone with access to clown makeup, he probably has the jet-setting means to terrorize one lucky 30 Seconds to Mars fan at a time anywhere in the U.S.
If so, it’s time for Daniel Day-Lewis to fulfill his national agreement: he gets to win an Oscar anytime he makes a movie, so long as he (a) never actually takes a human life and (b) hunts down all rogue method actors who do.
The 2016 Rio Olympics are finally here, and it’s going to be a literal s&%$ show. From the toxic water, to the incomplete facilities and the guest appearance of the Zika virus, this just isn’t looking good. Given what we’ve seen so far, I will be shocked if we don’t see some sort of major security or public health issue arise as a result of these games. Maybe we need to stop doing this, or just having them in the same place every time. If you were busy picking a fight with a baby this week, odds are you missed it.
Obama administration’s greatest accomplishment
This week, a bombshell of a story was released, finding that for the first time since 1979, the federal government’s dietary guidelines did not include flossing your teeth. The government acknowledged that there was no scientific evidence that flossing daily made a significant impact on one’s oral health. So that thing you never did in the first place? Keep on not doing it.
Dr. Moreau’s funding restored
The National Institutes of Health this week lifted its ban on funding experiments creating part-human, part-animal embryos. This is great news, because I was having a lot of trouble creating my army of centaurs with my own measly funds.
Virginia is for lovers of meth
The mayor of Fairfax, Virginia was arrested this week after authorities said he tried to give an undercover police officer methamphetamine in exchange for sex. That mayor’s name: Rob Ford.,
Keeping America safe isn’t easy. Sometimes there are training exercises, and sometimes those training exercises accidentally leave explosives on a school bus.
In Virginia, the CIA borrowed a school bus from Loudon County Public Schools to train bomb-sniffing dogs while the kiddies were on spring break. Unfortunately the CIA forgot to take their bomb stuff with them. Inert explosives were found under the hood of the bus while it was undergoing some maintenance. (“Inert” means the explosives weren’t able to blow up.)
“The CIA left explosives on my school bus” has to be the most D.C. reason to stay home from school.
The Guys all live in Virginia, which is supposed to be hit with a big snow storm over the weekend. You know that we have all taken the proper precautions to ensure our safety, but you may not realize how much of an effect we have on our fellow Virginians.
In getting ready for the storm, people have been stocking up on the essentials, namely, liquor. Stores throughout the state, especially in Richmond, are selling out of hooch because so many people are stocking up for the weekend blizzard.
We’re thrilled to have inspired so many people. We all stocked up earlier this week, and don’t plan on being without a drink in hand until Monday morning at the earliest.
In the immediate aftermath of 9/11, we passed the USA PATRIOT Act. (Like with most important bills, the crafters made good use of time to craft a strong, patriotic acronym for the title.) In the 14 years since 9/11, we’ve bravely stuck with it, replacing it with bills that minimally roll back the surveillance measures we originally agreed to. (They also had proud, powerful acronymic names, like the USA FREEDOM Act.) Courageously, we established that the only way to defend freedom is to sign it away.
In those years, we’ve taken strong stands against people who treated Ebola patients, no matter what egghead doctors said. Now, we’re bravely trying to deny refuge to people seeking to escape madmen so scary that, rather than face them decisively, we blow them up from New Mexico with flying murder-bots. (This is totally not like how our villains send robots after heroes in our movies. When we do it in real life, it’s courageous.)
And now, we’ve finally reached the point where we’re brave enough to not only deny sanctuary to people who have lived through the wars we ignore, we’re also courageous enough to call “internment camps” (a phrase we dashingly invented to separate us from cowardly Nazis and their dirty concentration camps) what they really were: a good idea.
But, it’s not just diseases and people that we’re standing up to. We’re also valorously roping off ideas we disagree with or that offend us, enacting safe zones and issuing trigger warnings to defend the sensibilities of those who might hear them. It takes a big person to tell Ann Coulter that, not only is she wrong about everything, but that we’d rather not tell her, please don’t come to our school.
And, when it comes to real issues, like passing budgets that might tax people or cut spending, we’ve punted a record number of years because punting is a term from football — the bravest sport in the world played by the bravest men who ever punched a woman or electrocuted a dog.
Here we are at the ass-end of 2015: still the land of the free and the home of the brave. Now please rise for the national anthem, and don’t you dare forget to put your hand over your heart. Or don’t you love your country?
It’s Shark Week, you know, that event on the Discovery Channel that stopped being educational a few years ago and is now just scary. The animals know this, and they’re preying on our fears.
That’s why it’s no coincidence that a shark recently showed up in a grandmother’s backyard. The Virginia Beach woman’s grandchildren were playing outside when they came across the dead body of a baby shark. It was as if it had been picked up and dropped there by some sort of sharknado. The authorities believe it was a bird that dropped its prey.
But if that’s true, that means the animals are colluding to tell us that Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes. It’s going to be war.
When you turn 21, it’s basically a given that you’re going to hurt the next morning, but some people take it up a notch higher than most, like to the “steal an emergency vehicle” notch.
According to police in Virginia, Ryan Kovacik, a pre-med student and certified EMT, was coming back from a night of celebrating his 21st birthday when he decided to steal an ambulance parked outside his local hospital. The ambulance crew was able to get him on the two-way radio and told him to stop.
Kovacik apparently thought this wasn’t so bad of an idea, because cops pulled him over as he was heading back to return the ambulance. The celebration for 22 will likely be somewhat subdued.
Someone at ABC13 had a field day writing the headline.
In the War Against Animals, beekeepers are an … awkward area. Yes, they do jail and imprison bees, a vile enemy of ours, but not all of them are capture-specific in their goals. Some have their own self interests in heart, using the insects solely to fill their coffers, much like a weapons dealer, while others are just weird creepy people on the internet.
We’ve reached the end of the year. I know, I didn’t think we’d make it, either. We found new reasons every day to get mad at each other online. We dumped ice water over our heads so we didn’t have to donate to charity, and felt good about it. We allowed Taylor Swift back into our lives. We voted out a bunch of Democrats because of Ebola. We watched Vladimir Putin close the Winter Olympics with the ceremonial invasion of Ukraine. In a year this dismal, one can feel lost. When I start feeling that way, I just ask myself, “What would Ernest Hemingway do?” Then I get rip-roaring drunk and forget the question. So pour yourself a glass and let’s do this.
At least she was clothed
Lena Dunham (of course we’re starting with her) was on the cover of Vogue magazine in January, and not in an ironic way. It got all the lady bloggers of all the internets upset, too, because her picture was clearly touched up. The Girls creator has touted herself as an example of what real people look like, and the photo betrayed all that, they said. In other news, Dunham was given an award for best magazine cover ever.
Let your bowels take a vacation
It was not a good month to be on a boat. First, a Royal Caribbean cruise ship had to cut its tour short because some 700 crew and passengers got sick. Then, a Princess cruise ship had a similar outbreak. We’re not talking about a head cold going around on the ship–it was the norovirus. A sizable amount of people were enjoying their vacations either in their cabin bathrooms without ventilation, or heaving over the side. They say bad things come in threes, but sadly the Bud Light cruise ship at the Super Bowl wasn’t affected.
In case you’re not sick of him already Justin Bieber was arrested after police said he was drag racing in Miami while drunk and high, which is probably how everyone else in Miami drives in the first place. Bieber reportedly cried when he got arrested, and compared himself to Michael Jackson after posting bail. Between him and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, it’s nice to see that Canadians can be just as big asses as Americans. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2014 edition