Tag: virginia

Virginia is for gun lovers

It’s a big day for RAM members in Virginia, as the House of Delegates has passed a slew of laws to ease gun enforcement in the Commonwealth. Among the best ones which passed the Senate and await signing:

  • Repealing the one-gun-a-month sales limit. Now you can buy all of your relatives guns for Christmas at the last minute.
  • Allowing “gun owners without a concealed carry permit to lock handguns in a vehicle or boat.” Because hiding a gun in your car or boat until it’s time to spring it on someone isn’t the same thing as concealing it.
  • Allowing “those with a concealed carry permit to take hidden guns into restaurants that sell alcohol as long as they don’t drink.” Thank God. There is nobody scarier than the drunk Happy Hourers in TGIFridays. It’s well-documented that bikers drinking Mojo-jitos at the Olive Garden are twice as likely to wedgie you than bikers at home.

But the greatest one of all, which must still pass through the Senate:

  • Banning “localities from being able to prohibit hunting within a half-mile of a subdivision, but allow them to prohibit hunting within a subdivision.” The deer have been allowed to use human shields for too long. Sorry, subdivision-dwellers, but you’re gonna have to put up with some friendly fire. We’re at war, and those who would sacrifice a little safety for liberty deserve neither.

… But Virginians all drive 80 mph

As the recently-elected Virginia governor, Bob McDonnell, promised, a bill is slowly making the rounds to increase interstate highway speed limits from 65 to 70 mph.

This is just the latest effort by the Commonwealth to bring the speed limits into sync with the actual driving habits of Virginians, particularly those from the northern parts. School zones, unfortunately, remain a stifling 25 mph–fast enough to kill, but too slow to to clear the obese 11-year-old underneath and take off again.

Some opponents to the bill believe that the 5 mph speed increase will waste fuel, lead to more accidents and require unwarranted spending to adjust signs.  These same opponents, however, have yet to propose lowering the speed limit to a safer, more fuel efficient 40 mph.

We guess the lesson is that safety’s one thing, but not if it means running late for work.

It was not a good day for food

We hope that you’re not eating. If you are, you might want to go ahead and finish up the mastication process, as we’d like to you finish your food.

Done?

Good. Because of those were Nestle Toll House cookies, you might have E. coli. Congratulations!

Okay, there’s a very good chance that you don’t. Still, you might want to be careful. Two samples of Nestlé’s refrigerated Toll House cookie dough from the Danville, Virginia plant tested positive for E. coli bacteria. But wait, you say. “If it’s from a plant, it could get in my mouth!”

No. The tainted dough did not leave the factory, and Nestle is not recalling any product. However, the company did say that it will close the Virginia plant for two weeks to change its cleaning and production process. So slam freshly baked cookies into your mouth all you want!

Unless they’re SpaghettiO cookies. In which case, you might want to pour out a can.

No, not for a bad reason like above. The creator of SpaghettiOs, Donald Goerke, died at the age of 83. He will best be remembered for Chunky soup, canned pasta that was able to be preserved and a sauce that I found vastly inferior to Chef Boyardee. CHEF BOYARDEE SHARKS 4 LIFE.

Take it from Snee: Oh, there’s a Santa Claus alright

“DEAR DR. SNEE: I am 8 years old.
“Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.
“Papa says, ‘If you see it on SERIOUSLYGUYS it’s so.’
“Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?

“VIRGINIA O’HANLON.
“115 WEST NINETY-FIFTH STREET”

VIRGINIA, your little friends are buttf#%king morons, maybe even retarded. In either case, they have at least been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except [what] they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men’s or children’s, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

In other words, everyone (but me) is full of s@#t, so it’s a good thing you wrote me. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Oh, there’s a Santa Claus alright

Someone gives a s#%t about bumper stickers

At this point, you'd think they'd buy a new damn car.Every election year, millions of people put candidate bumper stickers on their cars. And, for the most part, nobody notices until some McCainiac cuts you off or the sticker’s hilariously outdated.

Good news, though! Somebody is actually paying attention to what you put on your car: politicians.

“During long campaign swings in Virginia’s recent gubernatorial campaign, Bob McDonnell’s staff would count the cars that sported both Obama and McDonnell bumper stickers.”

Congratulations! You’ve made yourself heard … as yet another highway statistic.

Quarter of The Guys thankful to not live in Va.

Ugh.

SeriouslyGuy Rick Snee thanked God this morning that he no longer lives in the Commonwealth of Virginia. Why, you may ask? Why would he prefer to live in Alabama?

Because he’s unlikely to receive an automated phone call, or robocall, from Sarah Palin about the governor’s race down in the capital of Conservaphilia.

The former Alaskan governor and current neo-Paris Hilton recorded a message for the Faith and Freedom Coalition, urging Virginian voters to “to go to the polls Tuesday and vote to share our principles.”

Great, so not only did she make one of those “irritating” robocalls, but she couldn’t even be more specific about who best represents “her principles?” Leave it to a woman to expect you to read her mind.

What? Kids say crazy things in college

The Virginia gubernatorial race is heating up! Republican candidate, Bob McDonnell, is facing criticism for his college thesis, which the Democrat candidate, Creigh Deeds, has featured in his attack ads.

To comprehensively lay out the issue, SeriouslyGuys will now discuss the story in Point/Counterpoint.

Point: McDonnell wrote the thesis 20 years ago! He says he’s changed his mind since then. Remember how you thought when you were young, dumb and full of liberal education?

Counterpoint: McDonnell was 34 years old when he wrote it … at Pat “Jesus Rides Dinosaurs” Robertson’s Regeant University.

Point: OK, but it was a college thesis–a thought experiment. It’s not like it was his plan for the Republican Party to combat feminism and reinstall religion in public schools.

Counterpoint: “The thesis was called ‘The Republican Party’s Vision for the Family: The Compelling Issue of the Decade.’ In it, McDonnell wrote that working women are ‘detrimental’ the the family; that feminism is among ‘the real enemies of the traditional family’; and that the ‘purging’ of religious influence in public schools is damaging to healthy families.”

Point: Fine. But, McDonnell[‘s campaign] still says he’s changed. He’s now a husband and father of “strong working women.”

Counterpoint: So, not only did McDonnell write a paper that echoes Dan Quayle’s 1989 positions, but he couldn’t even enforce them in his own home?

Point: That’s what women do to a man.

Counterpoint: Touché.

The McBournie Minute: Take your smutty pills elsewhere, bub!

Rep. Jim Moran, D-Va., is my representative in the House of Representatives of these here United States of America. I’m really not sure if I voted for him, when I was in the voting booth I just voted for women and and guys whose names sounded ethnic-y. But if I did vote for Moran, due to some confusion on my part that he was Hispanic, I am proud I made the informed vote.

The distinguished gentlemen from the Commonwealth of Virginia is taking a stand against one of the most pressing issues our country faces today. You guessed it: erectile dysfunction ads.

Since the late 1990s, these ads have been plaguing America. They were subtle then, because we were all naive–that and Viagra had a corner on the market. But a few years back, Cialis, Levitra (from the Latin root “levitat,” to make rise) and others came on the scene. Suddenly, there was market competition, which meant one thing: scrap the subtleties and innuendos, throw Bob Dole out the window and start beating Americans over the head with what their product will do. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Take your smutty pills elsewhere, bub!