Tag: virginia

If a teenybopper is insulted on Sirius …

Jamie Foxx issued a bizarre apology to Miley Cyrus on Jay Leno last night for comments he made about her last weekend. The apology caught most of the free world — and probably Cyrus — off guard because they were made on his Sirius satellite radio show, The Foxxhole.

Note to Sterling, Virginia readers:
The Foxxhole is not to be confused with gay porn star/former high school wrestling coach Ty Fox’s Lair. But it sounds remarkably similar to be sure. (See you at the reunion, PVHS Class of 1999!)

Jamie Kentucky, also a Part-Time Pop StarThe In Living Color alumnus apologized for a joke where he suggested Cyrus “get like Britney Spears and do some heroin. Do like Lindsay Lohan and start seeing a lesbian and get some crack in your pipe. Catch chlamydia on a bicycle seat.”

Foxx was forced to remind Leno’s audience that, when not winning Oscars as physically- or mentally-impaired black musicians, he is a comedian and will occassionally say things he doesn’t mean, like make fun of Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan by advising Cyrus to act like them.

(Yeah, if you learned comedy from the Wayans, you might be confused about punchlines and targets, too.)

He also added, “Had I known Miley is — in fact — Hannah Montana, singing superstar, I never would have made that joke in the first place.”

Smoke gets in Va. smokers’ eyes

Smokers in Virginia are certainly not crying today as their rule over restaurants and bars comes to a measured end.

Governor Tim Kaine will sign a bill today that will restrict all statewide smoking to little petting zoos with separate ventilation and, presumably, wait staff. This is the toughest anti-smoking law to date … in any of the five tobacco-producing states.

The Guys give this new law exactly three days before indignant Virginia smokers (including those who smoke Slims) invoke Brown v. Board of Education to contest their new “separate but equal” status.

Finally, we can breathe easy

Life is short. It’s also scary. We don’t know what our next will end up being. Heck, we don’t even know if we’ll still have a job tomorrow. Life is not just short, it’s expensive. Unfortunately, another salmonella outbreak in peanut butter-based products has made one of the most delicious yet cost-conscious foods to ever grace our palettes that much more expensive. But don’t worry …

… Girl Scout cookies are still safe. This apparently news-worthy article has been brought to you by the delicious Samoas and Peanut Butter Patties.

Virginia is for pedophilic gamers

Who knew that chatting up 13-year olds via Xbox Live then asking them for naked photos would be so frowned upon? What’s that you say? Anyone with a shred of common sense? What’s also that you say? We did very early on in our SG career? That’s right, we did.

One man who learned that lesson the hard way was 24 year old Portsmouth, Virginia resident Ryan Edwin Donker. Donker, whose very last name might even be considered inappropriate for those underage, admitted to police that he had asked for naked photos of an Xbox Live user from Fayetteville, Arkansas. He was arrested, extradited to Arkansas, charged with a felony and held on $20,000 bond.

The Fayetteville Police Department recorded multiple Xbox Live conversations between Donker and the boy following the first incident.

According to reports from the Northwest Arkansas Times, Donker told police that requests for naked pictures from the boy were a “joke.” Right. Whatever you say, Donker.

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: Virginia, sometimes you make me want to live in another state.

I learned how to press the X button for gas all by myself!

I am a resident of Virginia, and for the most part, I enjoy this state. It’s temperate, it’s got better drivers than those you would find in the state of Maryland (but then again, schools for the blind have better drivers-I kid, I kid) and it’s not that wholly objectionable of a state.

Of course, there are also times that make me wish I lived in a different state. This is one of those times.

A six-year-old Virginia boy was so intent on getting to school one morning that, after missing the school bus, he decided to help himself to the family sedan and drive there.

However, being six, he only managed to find a utility pole instead.

He only suffered minor injuries, and was even able to get to school, escorted there by authorities after a quick hospital evaluation. Since mom was asleep when the driving proviso decided to start his day, his parents were charged with child endangerment, and he and his brother are now in protective custody.

The boy claims he learned to drive playing Grand Theft Auto and Monster Truck Jam. Which, you know, is wonderful that the parents are clearing doing a great job of letting their youngster play GTA. This is a parenting tip we could all learn from.

Fun fact: Six-year-olds are magnets for utility poles. Really. Stick one in front of them and the two will be stuck together like white on rice.

Your next paycheck will include a complimentary piece of coal

Do you feel it?

There’s a snap in the air. The temperature’s getting crisper. Wal-Mart has put up the candy and instead rolled out stockings. People are starting to put on their coats and get a cup of hot chocolate when they go out to pick up the latest cd. Classic cartoon specials are airing on tv, and you know them by heart. Everywhere around you, you can see the colors of a blaze red and a highly verdant green.

These are all traditions that we associate with Christmas. We’ve known them by heart and we shall continue to do so for most of our mortal lives. Well, it’s time to add another tradition to that group-the “mall Santa is fired in October” should definitely fit right in.

Yes, to quote Queen, “another one bites the dust.” Michael Graham, longtime Santa of Tysons Corner Center in McLean, Virginia (even I remember visiting the guy when I was 7, and I’m the youngest member of the SG crew), has been fired with no notification. Possibly unjustly, as he has had a contract with the mall until 2012. In fact, the mall states that he has done nothing wrong. This brings to mind that there may be a possible breach of contract, given these facts. Will Graham be able to put his now useless Santa suits to use? Only time and sufficient drinking will be able to tell.

A bit of warning: those that read the linked article will be put through Christmas-pun Hell. It was rough for me, and I love puns.

No more condoms!

According to today’s Headline of the Day, residents around the Chesapeake Bay have less to fear about crabs. The population is apparently dwindling, probably because everyone’s finally using those little combs and special shampoos.

In other news, Bryan McBournie has been spotted at more bars since this headline debuted. If you are a human being between the ages 18 and 75, be advised.

Dutch Government: ‘Get your tobacco out of our weed!’

Slowly but surely in the Netherlands, smoking of tobacco in public has been made illegal. And not just public public, but the inside kind of public too. So, faithful Dutch reader of our site, what does this mean for you? It means that the next time you get coffee and a crumpet at one of your more infamous coffee shops, your late morning joint will need to be tobacco-less. BUG-WAH?!!?

The Dutch Government hasn’t exactly been known for well thought out plans, it would seem. Could this spell the end of the “cafes”? Well, not totally, but it’s not going to be anything but bad for business, that’s for sure. Sounds like the government is like a restaurant in my town (Famous Anthony’s in Southwest Plaza, Roanoke, VA) that refuses to install a credit card machine for payment purposes-are you just diametrically opposed to making money?

Ladies and gentlemen, we present to you the new, more sensitive, more politically correct “WORLD”.