Study: Millennials are killing sex, too

At least once a day you see an article written by some old person blaming Millennials for ruining society, as if they are making conscious decisions to murder book stores or malls and they alone are able to kill off these things. Looks like we’re probably not going to be having sex anymore, either, because Millennials are killing that, too. Thanks a lot, whatever generation is old enough to work but not yet have power.

According to a study of 16,000 people born in 1989 and 1990, who have been tracked since the age of 14, one in eight 26-year-olds is still a virgin. Researchers say it’s a response to the hypersexualized society they have grown up in, and the fear of their performance being ridiculed on social media.

But the real reason is that Millennials hate everything that is good, like record shops, smoking and napkins. This is what happens when you hand out participation trophies.

U2 films concert movie for three ‘virgins’

Did you know that right now, somewhere on this planet, there are people who have not seen a U2 concert? Despite their appearance on every television program to date, including the Super Bowl, Dish Network free pay-per-view events, Saturday Night Live (a gazillion times), any news program about Bono and that one time on Friends, U2 has realized that there are some people who haven’t seen them perform the same songs they’ve played for over 20 years.

U2, thankfully, has filled this void with a 3D movie of a concert where they play–once again–the same songs they’ve played for over 20 years. Only this time, Bono’s stupid hat juts out at you.

So look out for U2 at a theater near you! Or at a concert hall. Or on television. Or at your neighbor Ricky’s Bar Mitzvah.