Zombie exploding caterpillars have invaded England

Caterpillars in the U.K. are becoming infected with a virus that turns them into zombies. No wonder the queen drinks so much.

According to wildlife experts, there is a scary virus infecting Oak Eggar moth caterpillars in the wild, and it’s controlling their minds until they explode. The caterpillars typically avoid sunlight, but ones infected with the baculovirus are forced to climb to up plants as high as they can and just sit there until they die. But the virus isn’t done yet. After the caterpillar dies, the virus keeps working, liquefying the innards until the body explodes, sending infectious goo everywhere to find new victims.

Needless to say, the U.K. is on high alert. We’re no scientists, but it’s only a matter of time before this virus starts infecting humans.

Zika finally matters

What's the point of even keeping mice around if they stop humping our gloved hands?
What’s the point of even keeping mice around if they stop humping our gloved hands?

Despite a nearly ruined Olympics and a tragic microcephaly outbreak in infants born to infected mothers, Zika really didn’t reach West Nile-level panic here in the U.S. Especially now that we’re approaching winter, where our mosquitos f*ck off until June or so. Well, we were wrong to brush it off, and it looks like Zika’s about to get Viagra-level funding for the foreseeable future now that we know that it can shrink our balls.

Well, technically, it shrinks the testicles of male mice by 90 percent — which is already a feat considering it takes at least twenty mice scrotums to make one Mickey Mouse shot.* But, still: the implication exists!

So, thank you science and an ex-handful of mice. You made Zika matter.

*Forty mouse testes poured into a shot glass with scotch.

Scientists unearth 30,000-year-old virus, doomsday imminent

Avid readers of this site will know that The Guys aren’t ones to sound the alarm over any old thing. But today we suggest you make your peace with your maker. Things are about to get bumpy.

Scientists are about to move a recently-discovered virus that’s lain frozen and buried in Siberian permafrost. The virus is gigantic in size compared to viruses we all know and catch — and it’s also 30,000 years old. Researchers claim that the virus poses no threat to humans, or civilization, but if you had the end of the world in your hands, wouldn’t you say the same thing?

The only bright side here is that if science ever gets around to cloning wooly mammoths, we can defeat them with germ warfare.

Anti-vaxxers look forward to resurrecting newly endangered rubella virus

"Concerned parents are go! Repeat: concerned parents are go! This is what we read questionable scientific resources for, people!"
“Concerned parents are go! Repeat: concerned parents are go! This is what we read questionable scientific sources for, people!”

Officials from the Pan-American Health Organization issued a new challenge to parents who have a Google degree in medical science, announcing that the rubella virus is no longer being transmitted in the Americas thanks to a 15-year vaccination campaign.

Already, forces for substituting concern and a bachelor’s degree in Liberal Arts in place of actual medical knowledge have started mobilizing, planning to rescue the virus from the endangered species list.

“It is a disgrace that third world countries can protect this important RNA-based species while corporations are allowed to freely destroy it in a so-called industrialized nation, ” said noted immunological authority, Bill Maher.

“While I cannot host the virus myself due to vaccinations, I look forward to giving my children the opportunity that my parents denied me,” added actress/model/basically-a-scientist, Jenny McCarthy.

Fortunately, anti-vaxxers already have a headstart on rubella since its vaccine is part of the combined MMR vaccine that they’ve already opted their children out of.

Animals now trying to ruin the good name of bourbon

What’s in a name? Ownership, status, power … even marketing. The right name can be all that matters and what proves the difference between good and bad. After all, you don’t see a whole lot of Sally Hitlers running around.

So that’s why the Bourbon virus bothers us. Bourbon is delicious and full of uses. One of those uses, despite what ticks in Kansas would have you believe, is to not be a part of an illness. The CDC discovered a new virus in a recently deceased Kansas man, having been found with multiple tick bites. Rather than come up with a scientific Latin name for the virus, the scientists named it after the county where the man lived (warning: autoplay). Because that’s what we expect from smarties.

Alcohol gets a lot of bad press. Being connected to a disease ain’t gonna swing it in the direction of good.

The most dangerous dame

When it comes to Emma Watson and the Internet, no good has ever come of it. Before she turned 18, her image launched a thousand Chris Hanson and Pedobear memes. Then, when the Harry Potter movies were nearly over, she nearly broke the Internet by considering doing nude scenes aloud. And now, Emma Watson will give your computer JPEGorrhea.

Miss Watson, to those who are very respectful or merely nasty, has dethroned Heidi Klum as 2012’s most dangerous celebrity to search online. Computer security technology company, McAfee warns that “fans who query ‘Emma Watson and nude pictures’ or ‘Emma Watson and busted’ run a 1-in-8 chance of landing on a site that has tested positive for viruses and other malicious software.”

Miss Klum, who did not even make the Top 10 this year, will surrender her tiara and sash to Watson in the official ceremony, which takes place Wednesday at 7 pm EST in a file that will melt your hard drive and send political rants to all of your Facebook friends.

We ‘dislike’ your face

If you’re anything like us,  you spend a good percentage of your day maintaining your millions of Facebook fans and friends.

Since the days of stalking girls in your sociology class, the entire world has joined in ready to be your friend … until you say something that offends their sensibilities.

So, the next time you get a response from some whiny distant family member or employer about needing a “dislike” button, tell them it’s available as an app, and it’s faaaaantaaaaaaaastic.

Terminator 5: Rise of the Resistance to the Machines

When we started the War on Animals, we did so with a clear sense of purpose. Animals were mauling people left and right and stealing our expensively-hormone-injected crops and livestock.

Robots, which can only be considered animals in some Transformer units, have been on our to-do list for a while. The problem was that we needed a Pearl Harbor moment; otherwise, we’d just look like dicks if we declared war on iPads.

Gentlemen (and warlike ladies): we have That Moment. Computer viruses are spreading into humans like monkey AIDS. To borrow the enemy’s binary language, it’s either us or not us (them).

We’d like to add that it’s not our fault that primates are sexy in a Billie Piper sort of way.

Take it from Dr. Snee: Teach your kids to masturbate

Before we get started with this week’s questions, I just want to remind you that your health insurance provider no longer covers consultations. By reading this, you agree to pay your entire bill within 90 days. No take backs!

Too much bacon is a bad thing.

Dear Dr. Snee,

Why is swine flu back? I thought it was gone.

–Reinflating My Bubble

Three words, RMB: slow news week.

Viruses don’t go away; they just get bumped for more interesting headlines if they don’t kill enough people. Continue reading Take it from Dr. Snee: Teach your kids to masturbate