According to wildlife experts, there is a scary virus infecting Oak Eggar moth caterpillars in the wild, and it’s controlling their minds until they explode. The caterpillars typically avoid sunlight, but ones infected with the baculovirus are forced to climb to up plants as high as they can and just sit there until they die. But the virus isn’t done yet. After the caterpillar dies, the virus keeps working, liquefying the innards until the body explodes, sending infectious goo everywhere to find new victims.
Needless to say, the U.K. is on high alert. We’re no scientists, but it’s only a matter of time before this virus starts infecting humans.
Despite a nearly ruined Olympics and a tragic microcephaly outbreak in infants born to infected mothers, Zika really didn’t reach West Nile-level panic here in the U.S. Especially now that we’re approaching winter, where our mosquitos f*ck off until June or so. Well, we were wrong to brush it off, and it looks like Zika’s about to get Viagra-level funding for the foreseeable future now that we know that it can shrink our balls.
Well, technically, it shrinks the testicles of male mice by 90 percent — which is already a feat considering it takes at least twenty mice scrotums to make one Mickey Mouse shot.* But, still: the implication exists!
So, thank you science and an ex-handful of mice. You made Zika matter.
*Forty mouse testes poured into a shot glass with scotch.
Already, forces for substituting concern and a bachelor’s degree in Liberal Arts in place of actual medical knowledge have started mobilizing, planning to rescue the virus from the endangered species list.
“It is a disgrace that third world countries can protect this important RNA-based species while corporations are allowed to freely destroy it in a so-called industrialized nation, ” said noted immunological authority, Bill Maher.
“While I cannot host the virus myself due to vaccinations, I look forward to giving my children the opportunity that my parents denied me,” added actress/model/basically-a-scientist, Jenny McCarthy.
Fortunately, anti-vaxxers already have a headstart on rubella since its vaccine is part of the combined MMR vaccine that they’ve already opted their children out of.
What’s in a name? Ownership, status, power … even marketing. The right name can be all that matters and what proves the difference between good and bad. After all, you don’t see a whole lot of Sally Hitlers running around.
So that’s why the Bourbon virus bothers us. Bourbon is delicious and full of uses. One of those uses, despite what ticks in Kansas would have you believe, is to not be a part of an illness. The CDC discovered a new virus in a recently deceased Kansas man, having been found with multiple tick bites. Rather than come up with a scientific Latin name for the virus, the scientists named it after the county where the man lived (warning: autoplay). Because that’s what we expect from smarties.
Alcohol gets a lot of bad press. Being connected to a disease ain’t gonna swing it in the direction of good.
When it comes to Emma Watson and the Internet, no good has ever come of it. Before she turned 18, her image launched a thousand Chris Hanson and Pedobear memes. Then, when the Harry Potter movies were nearly over, she nearly broke the Internet by considering doing nude scenes aloud. And now, Emma Watson will give your computer JPEGorrhea.
Miss Watson, to those who are very respectful or merely nasty, has dethroned Heidi Klum as 2012’s most dangerous celebrity to search online. Computer security technology company, McAfee warns that “fans who query ‘Emma Watson and nude pictures’ or ‘Emma Watson and busted’ run a 1-in-8 chance of landing on a site that has tested positive for viruses and other malicious software.”
Miss Klum, who did not even make the Top 10 this year, will surrender her tiara and sash to Watson in the official ceremony, which takes place Wednesday at 7 pm EST in a file that will melt your hard drive and send political rants to all of your Facebook friends.
When we started the War on Animals, we did so with a clear sense of purpose. Animals were mauling people left and right and stealing our expensively-hormone-injected crops and livestock.
Robots, which can only be considered animals in some Transformer units, have been on our to-do list for a while. The problem was that we needed a Pearl Harbor moment; otherwise, we’d just look like dicks if we declared war on iPads.
Gentlemen (and warlike ladies): we haveThat Moment. Computer viruses are spreading into humans like monkey AIDS. To borrow the enemy’s binary language, it’s either us or not us (them).
We’d like to add that it’s not our fault that primates are sexy in a Billie Piper sort of way.
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