The McBournie Minute: Obama wants to take our opinions

There’s a gloom in Washington, D.C. these days. There’s a major battle brewing, and it’s already being fought in the Internet sewers. Soon it will come bumbling up. You see, the citizens feel their constitutional rights are being threatened, and President Barack Obama is to blame. It’s no wonder his second term began under such controversy.

The rights I speak of, of course, are our First Amendment rights. You know, the ones where we get to say whatever we want, assemble peacefully, have our own religion, complain to the government and have a free press. Our rights to have a free media, regardless of its intelligence or lack thereof, are being infringed upon, fellow citizens.

That’s right, America, the Obama administration is coming to take your opinions away. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Obama wants to take our opinions

Putin hits us right in the Jolie’s

In his final Cabinet meeting of the year, Russian President Vladimir Putin regretted cutting into Angelina Jolie's selection of children, saying that he would be more than willing to still help her have Russian children. With his dick. ("Brad can watch.")
In his final Cabinet meeting of the year, Russian President Vladimir Putin said that, while he regrets cutting into Angelina Jolie’s selection, he would be more than willing to help her have Russian children. With his dick. (“Brad can watch.”)

Mark it on your calendars, fellow Americans. From this point on, we can no longer adopt designer babies from Russia. According to a bill signed by Russian President Vladimir Putin, wealthy U.S. moms will have to dress underfed kids from pretty much everywhere else in the world in our country’s unused skinny jeans.

If that sounds harsh, please realize that this was in response to a U.S. bill that promised sanctions on Russians who have violated human rights. And, you know what? We’re with Putin. After all, what’s the point of protecting human rights abusers if there aren’t any unwanted children in your country for them to abuse?

If you want to frolic, man, just frolic

We’re not saying that Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin is obsessed with his manly image, but even when he frolics,  he  only does so accompanied by a snow leopard.

There are rumors of Putin’s alleged

  • Skipping with a mini-gun
  • Holding a tea party with the Hell’s Angels
  • Trying on wedding dresses on the wing of a mid-flight biplane
  • Inserting his tampons with a blue applicator instead of the girly pink one

But all sources for these are no longer available for comment.

Holy leaked memos, Putin!

The last WikiLeaks revelation of U.S. State Department secret documents have hit most world leaders in one way or another. But one leader’s response to our foreign relations mean girl tactics is much funnier than the others.

Vladimir Putin has objected to a U.S. cable that described him as the “alpha dog,” the Batman to Totally Russian President Dimitri Medvedev’s Robin.

Putin condemned the comparison as “slanderous,” adding, “I only asked him to dress that way once. It was my birthday.”

The Real Story: Putin’s mug

When it comes to modern leadership, there aren’t a lot of charismatic characters.

You get the wannabes like Kim Jong Il, who think parades and sorority girl sunglasses make them colorful and interesting. There are the merely entertaining like Sarah Palin, the Snooki of politics who doesn’t lead anything and thinks any attention is good attention. And let’s not forget the many boring 6-to-9ers that think attendance is a real achievement.

But then there’s Vladimir Putin.

Vlad’s in the news for what appear to be covered-up bruises on his cheeks. The press wants to know what exactly he’s rouging up, and the latest theory is plastic surgery.

Yet, they once again missed the real story, right there in the image caption:

Where is this story?! We heard he shot one, but tiger wrestling? That’s gotta be illegal somewhere!

Just photoshop the revolution away

We don’t really know the average age of our readers (not until we do our SeriouslyInquisitive Survey/Pop Up Ad, am I right?), but it’s safe to assume that the internet is getting younger. Or at least, the users on the internet are getting younger. That’s to be expected, what with more people using it every day. Unfortunately, that means a lot of the users may not know about Russia.

You see young bucks, Russia used to be a fearsome foe back in the day (also known as the far flung past of the 1980s), stopping arguments among their people with an iron fist left and right. But as of the past 20 years, things haven’t quite been like that. In order to mesh with the rest of the world, Russia is now a shadow of that creature.

Or is it?

An environmental group was planning to protest Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, but that plan was ended when they lost their research data. Authorities used the pretext of searching for pirated Microsoft software in order to take the computers. This operation has been going on more and more recently, and Microsoft has no qualms with it; in fact, they’re even assisting in it. The evil empire may be back, and it’s all thanks to another former evil empire.

Take it from Snee: Crackshot Commando

I don’t like to brag too much about my military record. For one thing, it’s not very conducive to my online comedy career. I want you to laugh with me, not laugh because–if there’s a way for a former Space Green Beret to reach through your monitor–I’ll thumb-gouge your eyes out.

But, with the recent attacks on Connecticut Democrat senatorial candidate Richard Blumenthal and U.S. Representative Mark Kirk (R.-Ill.) that call their military careers into question, I feel it is time to stand up with these brave men.

By “stand up,” I mean to tell my own story, which is so incredible that it can only prove their claims are no less preposterous. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Crackshot Commando

Respect the Putin

As the saying goes, there ain’t no party like a Moscow party, because a Moscow party don’t stop.

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, who you may know as a politician, showed off his mad rapping skills on Russia’s version of MTV. OK, well really he was just there to talk, but hey, he may have rhymed in his own language.

“I do not think that ‘top-rock’ or ‘down-rock’ breakdance technique is compatible with alcohol or drugs,” Putin told cheering hip-hoppers who responded with chants of “Respect, Vladimir Vladimirovich.”

Putin is pretty gangsta, after all. Remember the campaign for who would be his replacement as president? Anyone who stepped to him got capped in the ass–except with radiation poisoning.

Take it from Snee: An open letter to Sarah Palin

Hey, Sarah.

Look, I know we’ve had our differences in the past. You wanted to be vice president, and I wanted an Earth where there’s no country ass-backwards enough to let that happen. Tomato/tobacco, right?

I’m not writing this to discuss the last election. Bygones are bygones … Well, except you’re not bygone, bygod, now are you? In fact, it seems like you want to be President in 2012 if your non-Alaskan activities are to be interpreted correctly.

This would be a huge mistake. You see, I’ve learned some things about you from last year that you appear to have not. Please, let me rectify this oversight in hopes that you might become a peaceful, and maybe better, person. Continue reading Take it from Snee: An open letter to Sarah Palin

Warrior of the Week: Vladimir Putin

How did you spend your Labor Day weekend? Grilling? Lazy ass. Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin spent his fighting the War on Animals. How? Oh, he just won a fight with a tiger, that’s all.

Yes, we may have mentioned Putin recently, blaming the U.S. for the Russian invasion of Georgia. Apparently he reads SG and took it to heart. In realizing what he had done, he turned around and tried to make it up to us. Putin was on a trip to somewhere in Asia and was checking out a trapped tiger with a television crew. He did all the cool stuff, check the teeth, but his head in its mouth, but then things got out of hand.

The tiger escaped and headed right for the television crew. (See? Animals hate the media!) Putin leveled, aimed his tranquilizer gun and put the tiger down before it could kill the nice camera people. Vlad the Tranquilizer wasn’t in the KGB for nothing.

Let that be a lesson to all you foreign policy experts: write something mean about a leader on your blog and he will come around eventually. Kim Jong Il sucks.