Booze is a delightful invention that we at SG will always lust for. But it’s not all fun and games with booze.
Sometimes booze injures people. Sometimes booze excites people in the wrong way. Sometimes booze blinds people more than booze goggles can do. Sometimes booze kills people.
But usually, booze kills people when its origin is uncertain. WHICH IS INSANE THAT SOMEONE WOULD NOT KNOW WHERE THEIR BOOZE COMES FROM. People, do your research. Know where your booze comes. Know what it consists of. The difference could be a matter between vodka and anti-freeze.
Do you like smoked salmon? Of course. How about vodka? Who doesn’t? After years of questioning why no one had combined the two, the Alaska Distillery has solved the problem.
Yes, they have created smoked salmon vodka, and it’s part of a growing trend of meat-flavored vodka. Of course, it goes best in a bloody mary, but people are finding new ways to mix the spirit into other concoctions.
Finally, we can order a smoked salmontini!
No? Then you must not be very cool.
“Eyeballing“–which the kids pronounce with an emphasis on the “g” at the end as they’re all about annunciation these days–is a new teenaged drinking trend where high schoolers pour vodka into each others’ eyes.
The process reportedly gets them drunker faster and can cause corneal scarring. Also, it makes for “totes sweet YouTubes.”
If you are a parent, your child could be doing this … right now. To call them out on it, look for the following warning signs:
- Red, swollen eyes that have difficulty focusing or holding down a job.
- Visine bottles that reek of potatoes.
- Lingo like “Pinko Eye,”Gawking at Lenin’s Tomb”,” “social justice” and, when asked if they’ve been drinking, they reply, “N’yet.”
Once you have diagnosed the problem, please, teach your teenager how to drink like a normal child.
Grace and elegance aren’t two words normally associated with Sean “P. Diddy” Combs, and yet, he’s the face of Cîroc French vodka, the already controversial spirit made from grapes that set the world on its ear about what is the definition of vodka. With this public statement from Diddy,
“If you are not drinking Cîroc vodka, then you are drinking pee pee,”
Cîroc’s image isn’t exactly that of refined adulthood. And yes, those were his exact words.
Martin Silver, chief executive officer of Star Industries (which owns Georgi vodka), did what any competing owner would do-he filled a toilet bowl with bottles of Cîroc vodka and tried to deliver it to Diddy’s Manhattan office.
The public stunt started in Times Square, but when the toilet bowl got too heavy for the business-suited man carrying it, a cab was beckoned. Once at the front of the building, Diddy’s security guards met them at the curb and would not allow them in the front door. Silver asked for an apology for the urinary comment; however, all he got was a roll of toilet paper thrown from a window above.
Don’t worry Diddy-SeriouslyGuys will never forget you.
There is a good chance many of you don’t know this, but I am a gourmet chef. I taught myself, and I believe it is now time for me to have my own cooking show. Of course, the world is saturated with cooking shows (both the how-to and the pseudo-dramatic types), so I have used my creativity and come up with a new angle.
The show will be called The Drunken Chef. Every week, I put back a few on camera, then show you how you can make a great sauce with getting sauced. Here’s how it would go:
“Hello there, and welcome to The Drunken Chef. I am your host, Bryan. I prefer you call me by my first name because we’re all friends here, and I kind of think of this as a bar. You don’t call people Mr. So-and-so at a bar, not even your boss. Anyway, as you have no doubt noticed, during my introduction, I have downed three shots of liquor. Now, today I am using Jim Beam bourbon, because it’s not horrible and it’s less than $40 for a handle. Can’t say that about Jack, can you? Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Break the fast with the hair of the dog
So, it turns out that there are costumed heroes roving the streets of Cincinnati. (Seriously, watch the video.)
Yeah, I was surprised, too. I thought Cincinnati burned down shortly after WKRP was canceled. But, no: Shadowhare, your friendly neighborhood guy-who’s-obsessed-with-Donnie-Darko-and-Watchmen, patrols the streets with his band of presumably twenty-something-year-old friends, talking to homeless people, annoying (yet, entertaining) cops and even communicating with other likeminded individuals online.
The first thing that came to mind was, “Where did I go after The Guys’ last get-together: The Absinthe-Minded Professors.” (We watched both versions while drinking absinthe and, after running out, then concocted our own “flubber.”)
No, I’m not Nightbunny. But The Guys fit the profile so much that perhaps we should fight crime, fueled by liquid courage. But, what would we look like? Continue reading Take it from Snee: Justice has a new s##tface
We all like booze. It makes the world go round. It goes yum-yum in my tummy. It even has hilarious ads (for reference purposes, see Patton Oswald’s rant regarding Dewars). Of course, there are times when sometimes, the ads are just offensive. This is not one of those times.
Swedish vodka maker Absolut has come up with a new ad depicting a “what if?” scenario involving what the United States of America had the U.S. lost the Mexican-American War of 1848. Apparently, this is ruffling a few feathers. Who would’ve guessed? I certainly wouldn’t have. In leaps of logics similar to people decrying Guitar Hero 3 for facing against the devil, some American citizens, even a forum of news channel, are calling for boycotts of the brand. Apparently, ads are funny until they’re not pro-United States. And even if those ads are in other countries, we should still have a say in them. How dare they!
Calm down and stop getting so worked up over this, people. It’s just an ad. Absolut was simply targeting the appeal to a specific country. That’s it. No harm, no foul. Besides, what else kind of vodka are you actually going to drink? Aristocrat? Smirnoff? The bathtub gin special?
(Courtesy of Adrienne S.)
Worms, scorpions and other tiny animals are often found at the bottom of liquor bottles. One animal you can cross off that list is the rattlesnake.
A rancher in Texas was recently arrested after he had begun selling bottles of vodka with rattlesnakes inside them. The idea had been pretty profitable for him because he sold it as an “ancient Asian elixir.” Bayou Bob Popplewell was arrested and charged with selling alcohol beverages without a license. It could mean a year in jail and $1,000 fine.
Not only was this man selling booze to people who need a nip, but he managed to incorporate the genocide of rattlesnakes into the process. He should be praised, not arrested. FREE BAYOU BOB!
The Guys are all about women, especially the drunk variety. In keeping with news about boozy broads, we have another edition of Booze News that is all about those with two X chromosomes and a rather high BAC.
Thanks to Boris Yeltsin, it’s no secret that vodka is the favorite spirit of Russia. But did you know that Russian men seem to drink it more than Russian women? One distiller has seen this niche market and plans to tap it with new Damskaya, or “Ladies” vodka.
Dames: Are you heading out to the gym? Instead of some fancy sports drink or even water, why not bring along something that looks like water–vodka. Finishing off that salad lunch? Good for you, you’re so health-conscious. Time to celebrate with a nip!
Next up for the lady lushes is wine. We all know that only females and Frenchmen drink wine, anyway. A Dutch man, seen here looking like Saddam Hussein shortly after being captured, who makes wine, has insured his nose for $8 million. This will help keep him going in case something happens. Because, as you know, one drinks wine through the nose. Only peasants drink it through the mouth.