Vodka is the only liquor that tastes good when it doesn’t have a taste at all. Did you know that there is a bottle of vodka worth $1.3 million? Well, there isn’t one anymore.
In Copenhagen, Denmark, a thief broke into a bar last week and made off with a bottle of Russo-Baltique vodka. The bottle is shiny gold and silver, and has diamonds on the cap. The good news is that the bottle has been recovered, but it’s empty. So some crook enjoyed the contents of the bottle so much that he forgot that the bottle itself was worth a lot of money.
The owner of the bar said he was happy to have the bottle back, and plans to refill it and have it back on display. Which probably means that the vodka sucks, anyway.
Folks, we want our readers to be safe. Also, we don’t want to get sued for anything. That’s why if you’re one of our coastal Texas readers, RUN, BITCH! Hurricane Harvey is coming!
But if you’re dumb (and if you live in Texas, there’s a pretty good chance of that), and you decide to hang around for a Category 3 hurricane that’s supposed to just sit over your head for a week, grab some booze. That’s the advice Houston-area bars and liquor stores are giving, and the citizenry is listening. Beer, wine and liquor sales are way up ahead of the potentially deadly storm people should probably be sober for.
Key quote from a Houston bartender:
Regardless, if you’re craving hard liquor this weekend, Hunt suggests making a Greyhound, which is vodka and grapefruit juice. “It’s light, refreshing and simple. There is a hurricane happening! Ain’t no one got time for a complicated, multi-step process.”
Hunt says she’ll be drinking wine during the storm “and lots of it,” and suggests 19 Crimes Cabernet.
If there were ever a necessary argument for breastfeeding, today’s Booze News would be it. (We say “necessary” because — come on, mommy bloggers — nobody anywhere is arguing against it. Just don’t be surprised if National Geographic takes a picture of you doing it in a Starbucks like this is Papua-New Guinea or something.)
Mom filling a bottle with water to make formula and then leaving the room.
Then dad walking into the room, dumping out the water and filling the bottle with vodka to take to a friend’s home (and then also leaving the room).
Mom walking back in to find the bottle where she left it and mixing in formula powder, not knowing that dad is a weirdo who takes his vodka in a sippy cup.
Once noticing that the child was behaving like 1980s Keifer Sutherland, the couple realized what happened and began, according to police, fighting. Police charged neither for the mistake, but dad reportedly got taken away for alleged undisclosed actions during the altercation.
The child is recovering just fine from weird dreams about bowling alleys and Saddam Hussein during her intoxication. Also, she really hates the damn Eagles, man.
Sooner or later, we all learn that mixing liquors is a bad idea. Sometimes it works out OK, but others it means a guarantee of waking up feeling nearly dead. Luckily, there’s a loophole: pre-mixed liquors.
But before you start shaking and stirring your way to the world’s first slurred operating system, keep in mind that there are limits. It has to be within a closed space so that the vapor doesn’t drift away unreceived. And you probably have to drink enough vodka to drown a Kossack to breathe your way halfway through “www.bangbros.com” in binary.
Got big weekend plans? Whatever you do, do not grab some Buds. You may wind up in the hospital.
According to researchers at the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, if you wind up in the emergency room after drinking, it’s very likely that you were drinking Budweiser. By drinking Bud Light, you only slightly decrease your chances. In fact, those are the only regular beers that will do that to you, because the next most common injury-related swills were Steel Reserve, Colt 45, Bud Ice (all malt liquors) and Barton’s vodka, which is probably rotgut.
What is it about Budweiser that causes its drinkers to injure themselves? Legend has it that every time Anheuser-Busch put a regional brewery out of business in the mid-20th century, its owners would put a hex on the growing beer monstrosity. Now, the souls of those breweries have come back to exact their revenge on Budweiser drinkers. Not even a clydesdale can help you outrun your fate.
Do you like smoked salmon? Of course. How about vodka? Who doesn’t? After years of questioning why no one had combined the two, the Alaska Distillery has solved the problem.
Yes, they have created smoked salmon vodka, and it’s part of a growing trend of meat-flavored vodka. Of course, it goes best in a bloody mary, but people are finding new ways to mix the spirit into other concoctions.
“Eyeballing“–which the kids pronounce with an emphasis on the “g” at the end as they’re all about annunciation these days–is a new teenaged drinking trend where high schoolers pour vodka into each others’ eyes.
The process reportedly gets them drunker faster and can cause corneal scarring. Also, it makes for “totes sweet YouTubes.”
If you are a parent, your child could be doing this … right now. To call them out on it, look for the following warning signs:
Red, swollen eyes that have difficulty focusing or holding down a job.
Visine bottles that reek of potatoes.
Lingo like “Pinko Eye,”Gawking at Lenin’s Tomb”,” “social justice” and, when asked if they’ve been drinking, they reply, “N’yet.”
Once you have diagnosed the problem, please, teach your teenager how to drink like a normal child.