You Missed It: End of 2014 edition

I'm not eager to do this, and you shouldn't be, either.
I’m not eager to do this, and you shouldn’t be, either.

We’ve reached the end of the year. I know, I didn’t think we’d make it, either. We found new reasons every day to get mad at each other online. We dumped ice water over our heads so we didn’t have to donate to charity, and felt good about it. We allowed Taylor Swift back into our lives. We voted out a bunch of Democrats because of Ebola. We watched Vladimir Putin close the Winter Olympics with the ceremonial invasion of Ukraine. In a year this dismal, one can feel lost. When I start feeling that way, I just ask myself, “What would Ernest Hemingway do?” Then I get rip-roaring drunk and forget the question. So pour yourself a glass and let’s do this.


At least she was clothed
Lena Dunham (of course we’re starting with her) was on the cover of Vogue magazine in January, and not in an ironic way. It got all the lady bloggers of all the internets upset, too, because her picture was clearly touched up. The Girls creator has touted herself as an example of what real people look like, and the photo betrayed all that, they said. In other news, Dunham was given an award for best magazine cover ever.

Let your bowels take a vacation
It was not a good month to be on a boat. First, a Royal Caribbean cruise ship had to cut its tour short because some 700 crew and passengers got sick. Then, a Princess cruise ship had a similar outbreak. We’re not talking about a head cold going around on the ship–it was the norovirus. A sizable amount of people were enjoying their vacations either in their cabin bathrooms without ventilation, or heaving over the side. They say bad things come in threes, but sadly the Bud Light cruise ship at the Super Bowl wasn’t affected.

In case you’re not sick of him already
Justin Bieber was arrested after police said he was drag racing in Miami while drunk and high, which is probably how everyone else in Miami drives in the first place. Bieber reportedly cried when he got arrested, and compared himself to Michael Jackson after posting bail. Between him and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, it’s nice to see that Canadians can be just as big asses as Americans. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2014 edition

You Missed It: Winter Olympic gays edition

"You volunteers realize you'll be sent to Siberia if you wear those outside this room, right?"
“You volunteers realize you’ll be sent to Siberia if you wear those outside this room, right?”

I really hate all those songs about how great California is. There seems to be one that becomes a hit at least every other year. I’m sure parts of it are quite nice, and I’m glad to hear you’re having such a good time, but I don’t really care. It’s a clear sign that the songwriter has run out of actual life experiences to convey. It’s kind of like how every other country song is about how much the singer enjoys living in their small town and is satisfied with his meager means. It’s a lie, because they’re millionaires. So can we stop writing and supporting songs like these? If your house got raided for eggs this week, odds are you missed it.

Putin promises Olympics to be as gay as ever
Russian President Vladimir Putin said this week that gays will be welcomed at the Winter Olympics in Sochi next month, and they won’t be arrested either, provided they stay away from children. However, they shouldn’t go around spreading their “gay propaganda,” he said. This coming from the guy who has spread more gay propaganda in Russia than anyone else.

Dead island
Did you know that there was a Japanese soldier in the Philippines who refused to abandon his wartime post until 1974. It’s true, he wouldn’t stand down until his commanding officer came to relieve him of his duties. Anyway, Hiroo “World War II Isn’t Over Until I Say It Is” Onoda died this week. Also dead , actor Russell Johnson, who played the professor on Gilligan’s Island. So in all it was a bad week for people who used to live on remote islands.

At least she was clothed
Lena Dunham is on the cover of “Vogue” magazine this week, and not in an ironic way. It got all the lady bloggers of all the internets upset, too, because her picture has clearly been touched up. The Girls creator has touted herself as an example of what real people look like, and for this to happen betrays all that, they say. In other news, Dunham was just given an award for best magazine cover ever.

You Missed It: Masked man edition

"I look bitchin' in a cowl. Admit it."
“I look bitchin’ in a cowl. Admit it.”

This summer has been kind of a disappointment, hasn’t it? Pretty much every major movie release was a flop, and the best ones struggled to break even. “Blurred Lines,” what many call the song of the summer, may have been lifted from a song from the 1970s, plus, it’s by the son of actor Alan Thicke, which is just weird. We haven’t even had a decent hurricane to complain about so far this year. I want a refund. If you were busy worrying about what a CEO looks like in Vogue magazine, odds are you missed it.

Gotham City is now Boston
The internet was set ablaze when it was announced that Ben Affleck will be the next Batman in the sequel to this year’s Man of Steel. Pretty much everyone hated the idea that Affleck who has written, starred in and directed some critically-acclaimed movies in reason years, would play the Caped Crusader. But they always say that. People said Val Kilmer couldn’t be Batman, didn’t they?

Everyone goes there this time of year
This week, it was discovered that a man had been living in Jennifer Lopez’s unoccupied house in the Hamptons without being discovered for six days. The man, who claimed to be Lopez’s ex-husband, holed up in the mansion’s pool house and posted things on his Facebook account declaring his love for the singer/actress. He went unnoticed by security staff, even though his car was parked out front. The only thing that got him out was the news that he was cast as the next Batman.

Return of the walrus
Even though it’s pretty much illegal everywhere, the owner of one of John Lennon’s teeth has handed over his prize in hopes that scientists will be able to clone the dead Beatle. If it did work, the Lennon clone would not have any of the original’s memories, skills or philosophies. They should clone Ringo next, there’s no way he could hit the life jackpot twice in a row, right?