Don’t kill yourself planning this year’s vacation

It was a close call, but we almost lost the world’s premier euthadestination: Switzerland.

The Swiss conservative Federal Democratic Union party and Christian groups lost a referendum vote to end assisted suicide for foreign visitors. 80 percent of Swiss voters depend on the FDU-dubbed “suicide tourism” industry, which is the neutral nation’s only means of competition with other European hotspots like Amsterdam’s marijuana and sex tourism and France’s “go ahead and take Paris, we weren’t really using it anyway” tourism.

So, when you think you can’t take your spouse, kids and job anymore, think Switzerland.

First struggling anything to not consider stripping

The town of Lead, South Dakota took a vote and decided not to allow nude dancing in its “downtown” regions.

South Dakota law allows for nudie bars, provided they are at least a quarter mile from residences, businesses or community gathering places, which in our books would mean “anywhere, including within itself.” Apparently, though, the law can be changed by local ordinances, and that failed to happen in Lead.

This decision could have really boosted Lead’s economy, especially since the town is home to the one of the largest shafts in the Western Hemisphere. The shaft is so massive, in fact, that scientists are able to research neutrinos and other cosmic phenomena inside of it. To really put this shaft into perspective, it is so mindbogglingly immense that your mom calls it on those weekends when you stay with your dad.

On second thought, maybe the people of Lead voted correctly.

It takes balls to let the Internet name a building

American democracy–which historians contrast with ancient Greek democracy as “less homoerotic”–is on the ropes in Indiana.

Fort Wayne city and county officials opened up a public vote to name their new government building. This being the Internet and all, the current front-runner is the Harry Baals Government Center.

But, despite a 5, 701 vote lead over the next runner-up, city officials have already suggested that they will not name the building after the former four-term mayor. According to Deputy Mayor Beth Malloy, “We’re not going to make any decisions that look bad.”

Too late, Fort Wayne. This decision shows a remarkable lack of foresight. Sure, shaved testicles are prized now, but you never know when Harry Baals will be back in style.

Just for the record: it’s pronounced “bales.” So, we’re pretty sure where Ms. Malloy’s head is at.

Doctor prefers Republican penises

Dr. Jack Cassell of Florida (where else?) put a sign on his door: “If you voted for Obama … seek urologic care elsewhere.”

Cassell defended his sign, saying that he’s not actively turning patients away, “but if they read the sign and turn the other way,” then it f#%king worked. So, if you disagree with the pee-pee doctor’s politics, then you’re just gonna have to care for your new Candiru yourself.

Personally, we applaud Cassell’s efforts. It’s not every day that a doctor let’s you know he’s lousy at his profession before you even walk in the door. That’s service.

Lazy Facebook developers let users write service agreement

If you’re tired of deleting Facebook notices about the latest “Crotchpunch War” from your inbox, then get ready for more spam … from the administrators.

In response to whiny users worried about not owning their Sex in the City quiz results, Facebook has caved, posting all service agreement changes on their site. This will most likely be at the top of your news feed every time Mark Zuckerberg’s lawyer finds more ways to bleed an aging Web site dry.

If the proposed change receives 7,000 comments (“protest” groups don’t count), then the measure will be put to a vote. 30 percent of all users (or about 53 million people) must vote to affect the change. The AP story does not mention what happens in the event of a tie, but we’d like to think it involves counting friends.

So, if that’s the way it’s gonna be now — since Facebook admins are too scared to run their own site — The Guys have a few new service agreement terms we’d like to see:

  1. Please allow breastfeeding pictures. Motherhood is so hot.
  2. Allow us to carry our concealed weapons while using Facebook. The Internet’s a scary place, is all.
  3. If a werewolf user bites a vampire user, we want that user to die. The real vampire vs. werewolf war should be depicted seriously, for it is a serious subject. If bitten, no more profile; they’re dead to Facebook. They can go to MySpace for all we care. And no, they can’t come back as a zombie. Them’s the occult rules.

Take it from Snee: I’m thankful

Every year, Americans do what we do best: sit around a table to observe a once-meaningful holiday because we’d look funny if we didn’t.

Me: Hey, Ted from Accounting. Big four day weekend, eh?

Ted from Accounting: Yep, gonna eat turkey with the family and watch some football. You?

Me: Oh, I’m going to Aruba for the long weekend to collect orgasms.

TfA: Well, that makes too much sense. Freak.

Thanksgiving, like every other U.S.-observed holiday, has auspicious, yet bullsh-t, origins. But if you boil that bathwater past the paper headdresses, you find a story that doesn’t matter anymore today: a group of proto-Americans are starving to death, yet finally scrape up enough farming to survive … until winter starts in earnest.

They’re thankful for managing with what they’ve got to enjoy each others’ presence, which ironically helps spread the cholera.

We don’t have that problem anymore. Even if we catch childhood leukemia, we still get an awesome last wish. (That’s only because Leonard Nimoy can’t catch leukemia from his Make-A-Wish cancer kid.) And we don’t really enjoy each others’ company. If it weren’t for Thanksgiving, entire families would never see each other except to marry or bury someone.

And we definitely aren’t just scraping by. Outside of a certain percentage of poor people, the modern Thanksgiving is a modern festival of consumer distractions. The table is full of food that will go uneaten, and those who attempt to finish it off will slip into a gluttony coma on the leather sofa. This happens while everyone watches a parade full of cartoon characters selling toys, the latests must-see TV stars and the pirate of plastic productions, Santa himself. Then there’s football, which features players goosed up on the latest pharmaceuticals beating Vegas odds so the owner can sell more ball caps to guys trying to find cool new ways to cover up bald spots.

Even the idea of a feast in today’s America is ridiculous. The idea of a feast is to celebrate having plenty when you normally have little. Seen those obesity numbers lately?

So, with all that in mind, here’s my list of the things that I am thankful for this year: Continue reading Take it from Snee: I’m thankful