Batman takes down guy stealing DVDs from Wal-Mart

Your average Wal-Mart is a pretty crazy place. And it’s not just the constant animal attacks. So naturally, that’s where you’d find Batman.

In Fort Worth, Texas, a man picked the wrong store to steal DVDs from. He was trying to get away with a bunch of movies, including The Lego Batman Movie, when the Caped Crusader himself swooped in and arrested him. Damon Cole is an officer with the Fort Worth police, and he dressed up like Batman and other superheroes visiting area children battling illnesses. (Apparently Fort Worth keeps its sick kids inside a Wal-Mart?)

The suspect was only charged with a citation because the total value was less than $100 and was released uninjured after a selfie with the Dark Knight. That’s how you know he’s not the real Batman.

Steer, deer attacks on the rise

We feel safe when we’re in civilization. We’re around other people, we’re close to bathrooms, and we generally don’t have to worry about animals. Maybe nowhere is safe now.

In Tennessee, patrons where enjoying being inside of a Waffle House and, we assume, eating waffles, when they saw deputies trying to corral a steer in the parking lot. The steer had reportedly gotten loose and was making its way through the town of Cookeville. Authorities were about to get the steer into the Waffle House parking lot, but it managed to slip past the police cars and continue on down the road. We don’t know what actually ended up happening to it. The citizens of Cookeville are no doubt living in fear.

And in Minnesota, a Wal-Mart was invaded by a deer. The beast made it to the pet aisle before some hero tackled it and put it in a headlock. Unfortunately, the Wal-Mart shoppers took pity on their attacker, and set him free outside the store.

40 snakes found in Wal-Mart parking lot, as foretold in prophecy

If we haven’t made it clear by now, you should avoid Wal-Mart at all costs, and not because they gut your town’s economy. Those places, their parking lots, specifically, are targets for animal attacks.

In Arkansas, police responded to a report of 40 snakes in the parking lot, creating a panic. Many Wal-Mart-goers were concerned that the snakes where poisonous, but fortunately, this turned out not to be true.

Police believe that the snakes were put there by some evil person, but that’s lazy police work. It is entirely conceivable that these snakes showed up in the Wal-Mart parking lot on their own specifically to wreak havoc on the local populace. These non-poisonous snakes wanted to live one day like they were as dangerous at the ones that have venom.

Turkey gets Wal-Mart greeter fired

The weather is warming up again, which means that animals are renewing their assault on Wal-Marts across the country. Yeah, remember that?

In Wisconsin, an 88-year-old Wal-Mart greeter has lost his job all because of a wild turkey, and not the drinking kind. According to reports, Bob Tallinger has been a greeter for eight years, and he just watched as a turkey sauntered through the door of his Wal-Mart. He probably even said hello, because that’s his job. But management didn’t like how he didn’t try to shoo the turkey out, or notify someone to get it out of the store. So the bigwigs let him go.

Now this elderly man is out of a job, probably forced to spend time with the woman he’s been married to for 50 years. And it’s all because of a stupid turkey.

Latest animal attack in Wal-Mart parking lot: monkey

If you haven’t learned by now, this is not the summer to spend any time in a Wal-Mart parking lot. Animals will attack. This time, they chose to strike in Lancaster, Ohio.

According to reports, a customer’s monkey got loose in a Wal-Mart parking lot and began attacking an employee working the cart corrals. The owner was nearby, and luckily, was able to stop the assault before the employee was injured. An eyewitness video shows the owner then taking the monkey by the hand and carrying it away, presumably to a getaway vehicle.

The good news is that the employee wasn’t bitten, but the bad news is that the monkey wasn’t charged with assault.

Bee deal goes bad, swarm goes on rampage

People like deals more than they care about family businesses, which is why Wal-Mart is so successful. And once again, the animals are using our love of rollback prices against us.

Just one week after some dogs launched an attack in a Wal-Mart parking lot in West Virginia, bees struck in Oklahoma. Authorities say it was a beehive deal gone bad. Someone was selling three hives to someone else in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart, when one of the hives was dropped setting the insects off, and a swarm of thousands began attacking everyone in sight. The store had to be evacuated for safety reasons.

The fire department eventually hosed down enough bees to quell the uprising, yet none of the survivors have been charged with anything.

Dogs wage war on Wal-Mart

You’re never truly safe from a dog attack. There could be a pack of them just around the corner from you, waiting to pounce at any time. What’s worse is that now they know how to drive.

In West Virginia, a woman was nearly run over by at car in a Wal-Mart parking lot. The slow-moving car narrowly missed the woman, but succeeded in striking the store itself. The car had been driven by a pair of dogs, one riding shotgun. Authorities say an elderly woman left her car running so that her dogs would stay cool, but the beasts figured out how to shift the car out of park. They even figured out how to roll down the window.

We have no doubt that this attack will inspire copy cats–err, dogs to do the same thing. Beware of dogs.

Drink your whiskey by the barrel

You may have heard that in states where it’s legal, Wal-Mart is getting into selling alcohol, at times, offering beer nearly at cost, in an effort to get people to associate the community-crushing warehouse store chain with booze. Looks like it’s serious.

Sam’s Club is now selling Jack Daniel’s Single Barrel whiskey still in the barrel it’s named after. It can be yours for only $9,660 before tax. Feel like going a bit cheaper for your big party this weekend? Get a barrel of regular Jack Daniel’s for just $7,680.

The Guys will be organizing a Kickstarter fund any day now.

Wal-Mart fires inept employees?

You wouldn’t know it by walking in one, but Wal-Mart has employment standards. They proved it by firing Joseph Casias, 2008’s Associate of the Year.

How had Casias fallen so far in only a year? Marijuana.

Well, also cancer, living in Michigan and a prescription for marijuana from his doctor.

But still: Joseph Casias is a reefer addict, and The Store That Sam Built can’t abide junkies jeopardizing “the safety of its customers and associates.” (They will continue to sell three-day old hot dogs to stoner customers, however.)

And just in case you aren’t on the exploitative global corporations’ side yet, guess who’s leading the fight against them? The ACLU. We’re not saying you’re wrong for agreeing with the ACLU per se, just that God may not be able to tell the difference when you die.

You stay classy, Wal-Mart

Wal-Mart, the store you go to when you haven’t hated people enough for the week, has announced that they’re going to set aisles aside for $1 merchandise.

That’s right: the store filled with the most cheap crap and Bible-related self-help literature is going to highlight the cheapest crap as you walk inside.

As if we didn’t already wish we had better paying jobs when we walked in, here’s a shelf of off-brand tupperware that won’t survive a handwashing. And here’s a three-pack of end-of-the-season Peeps, you know, because you don’t want to pig out on a whole box, but you can’t say no to almost stale marshmallows.

Basically, this is the Wal-Mart’s most depressing move since they added health clinics to the front. Good thing they can prescripe Equate to my encephalitis! It beats the free clinic, but not by much.

So, good luck, Wal-Mart. Now we have one less reason to go to dollar stores for discontinued pharmacy toys.