Wal-Mart fires inept employees?

You wouldn’t know it by walking in one, but Wal-Mart has employment standards. They proved it by firing Joseph Casias, 2008’s Associate of the Year.

How had Casias fallen so far in only a year? Marijuana.

Well, also cancer, living in Michigan and a prescription for marijuana from his doctor.

But still: Joseph Casias is a reefer addict, and The Store That Sam Built can’t abide junkies jeopardizing “the safety of its customers and associates.” (They will continue to sell three-day old hot dogs to stoner customers, however.)

And just in case you aren’t on the exploitative global corporations’ side yet, guess who’s leading the fight against them? The ACLU. We’re not saying you’re wrong for agreeing with the ACLU per se, just that God may not be able to tell the difference when you die.

You stay classy, Wal-Mart

Wal-Mart, the store you go to when you haven’t hated people enough for the week, has announced that they’re going to set aisles aside for $1 merchandise.

That’s right: the store filled with the most cheap crap and Bible-related self-help literature is going to highlight the cheapest crap as you walk inside.

As if we didn’t already wish we had better paying jobs when we walked in, here’s a shelf of off-brand tupperware that won’t survive a handwashing. And here’s a three-pack of end-of-the-season Peeps, you know, because you don’t want to pig out on a whole box, but you can’t say no to almost stale marshmallows.

Basically, this is the Wal-Mart’s most depressing move since they added health clinics to the front. Good thing they can prescripe Equate to my encephalitis! It beats the free clinic, but not by much.

So, good luck, Wal-Mart. Now we have one less reason to go to dollar stores for discontinued pharmacy toys.

Even Charlie Brown’s laughing at you, kid

Because she’s a cool mom, Jody Wykle, of Lake Wales, Fla., gave her son Guitar Hero: On Tour even though he didn’t have a DS, just so she could make the guy squirm while she played clueless. Then, surprise! She handed over the DS – a sealed box, mind you – and when he opened it, things got unintentionally a lot worse.

“When he opened it, he was like, ‘A box of rocks?‘” Wykle told WTSP-TV. “He said, ‘Mom, that ain’t a joke.'”

Indeedy not, especially for a $138 handheld. She went back to Walmart, which gave her the not-our-problem treatment – until Jody called in the media, at which point it very much became their problem. They promptly refunded the DS and shelled out a gift card. Before getting the refund, Wykle bought a second DS, just so her son could have a proper birthday present. “I made them open it while I was there to make sure there was a DS in it,” she told WTSP.

Here’s the kicker: Seems that box of rocks had been returned before. WONK WONK WONK.

There’s some porn in my grill, dear Liza, dear Liza

You love your family. We know this, and it’s OK. We won’t make fun of you … too much.

We’ve seen what you’ve done to protect your family from the dangers of the world: installed a V-chip into all of the televisions, put multiple Net Nanny’s on the computer, searched under all of the mattresses and even behind the refrigerator for loose change and filthy magazines …

However, it’s the summer. That means one thing: grilling. Unfortunately, that little hibachi grill of yours just isn’t going to cut it anymore. So, you walk down to your local mega-mart store and buy yourself a new shiny grill. But, like the Death Bed, this innocent household item is multi-purpose. For, instead of picking up a regular grill, you have picked up Porn Grill: the grill that comes with porn!

Hypothetical situation … or real life?

If you answered the latter, then you are correct! This very act happened to a shocked couple in Florida. And at that wholesome Wal-Mart of all places! Zounds!

Yes, said shocked couple was shown the horrors of a foreign newspaper wrapped around the grills rack (which HAS to be a double entendre) containing pictures of naked women. Words of wisdom come from Lorene Kinslow, buyer of said filthy flesh charrer:

“I was furious. Something like this came to the United States. A family could’ve bought this. It wasn’t the fact that I don’t have my children living here with me but if a husband, a family and kids could’ve got a hold of that, that was just wrong, wrong.”

Translation: as long as it had been American porn, everything would have been hunkey-dorey.

Bet this Wal-Mart doesn’t have a Cost Cutters

Speaking of ethnic stereotypes, Wal-Mart has customized its Dearborn, MI location to cater to the large Arab-American population there.

It’s the same old Wal-Mart, but with some Middle-Eastern touches.  Instead of greeting shoppers with “Have a nice day,” greeters say “Salaam.”  The deli replaced cole slaw with humus.  And, of course, the NASCAR driver endorsements are gone.

Remember, it’s easier to buy the world a Coke when they’re two six-packs for $2.