Octopi learn to walk on land; nice knowing you all

Not to end the weekend on a downer, but it looks like humanity is done for. Octopi have learned how to walk, and will probably overthrow us within a decade.

In Wales, about 20 octopi were recorded making their way along a beach. In case why that’s alarming isn’t clear to you, a beach is not the water, it is the sand near the water. These sea monsters are able to get around on land. Wildlife experts have never seen octopuses do this before, and they have no idea why they were doing it in the first place. The best guess they have is that the water was crowded so some of them wanted to have a little room.

These things are crowding up the oceans. There’s an army of these guys, and they’ve decided they want our land. This could be it, people.

Quest for Grail leads cops to British pub

The Holy Grail maybe missing, but at least we now know that it’s not somewhere in an English pub.

Bobbies searched a village pub in Herefordshire, England, trying to locate an old wooden cup believed by some to be the cup that Jesus sipped from at the Last Supper. The cup, which spent centuries in a Welsh mansion by monks to hide it from King Henry VIII, had been stolen about a month ago. Authorities had a tip that it might be in the bar.

Or maybe Robert Langdon just got a little thirsty.

Doesn’t he wrestle sharks like a Welshman?

Paul Marshallsea, seen here living up to his name, violated doctor's orders by going viral.
Paul Marshallsea, seen here living up to his name, violated doctor’s orders by going viral.

Paul Marshallsea was given simple directions by his doctor: to take some time off of work due to stress. And how did he choose to spend his time recuperating from stress? By going to Australia, home of the world’s most dangerous everything, and when that wasn’t enough, swimming away from the venom-soaked continent to wrestle a shark.

So, it only makes sense that the charity for which he works, the Pant and Dowlais Boys & Girls Club, fired him. When you use time off to rescue someone other country’s kids from a shark, that’s called moonlighting, Mr. Marshallsea.

And in parallel news, the shark was fired by his entire species for “violating the confidence and trust in him and his ability to perform the role” of devouring Australians.

Wales continues to be uneducated individuals–but knows how to get probed

A bit of an incendiary headline? Yeah, I’ll admit it is. But before the people of Wales start emailing me hate mail consisting of a bunch of consonants and only one vowel, just pause for a second and read.

Over the past few years, we’ve seen the effects of UFOs on the population. They make everyone pause and shriek in terror, and for good reason too: no one wants to get mutilated or probed. That’s just yucky. Well, who would expect a UFO to have the gall to appear recently in Wales? No one did–which is why a Welsh citizen called the local police to make sure that they knew a UFO was in the general area. Good job, citizen … right?

When I was a lad, my mom would sing to me a song that started out with “I see the moon and the moon sees me”. It would seem that no one in south Wales has ever had that song, as the unidentified flying object in question was the moon. Yes, the same moon seen every night since … ever. No one recognized the moon. Not so much a good job, citizen.

If only he knew the power of the jail time …

Update time! Back in April, we reported on a Welshman dressed in a shoddy Darth Vader costume attacking a Church of Jediism. Obviously copious amounts of alcohol were involved in the age old battle between nerd and nerdier (you can take a guess at which is which). Said Dark Lord of the Sith imitator, Arwel Wynne Hughes, was arrested.

Flash forward to now! Arwel has managed to avoid jail time, using the age old defense “I was so drunk, I don’t even remember it taking place.” You would think that the video taping of the incident (done so because “the church” was taping their “service”) might jog his memory, but, well, I can’t say that I’ve ever actually heard of Wales being done for their progressive attitude and inherent of adaptation of new technology. Alas. A great disturbance in the judicial side of the Force remains.

Fun Fact: In the 2001 United Kingdom census, 390,000 — 0.7 percent of the population — listed Jedi as their religion.

That’s most assuredly .699999999% more than I ever would have guessed.

Sith Lord fights Jedi and religion but not the law

Oh, those wacky, zany Welsh people! Whatever will they get into next?

Apparently, it would seem to be shenanigans involving the Sith and alcoholism. A North West Welshmen has admitted to assaulting a man and the man’s cousin with a metal crutch. Now, this isn’t very unusual; the situation, however, is very much so out of the norm. Barney Jones, who had founded a Jedi church in his backyard, was attacked by Arwel Wynne Hughes, Dark Lord of the Sith (who, given that he was Welsh, probably had a name similar to Darth Wrtnhgjnrtanllms) and the sauce, all while Hughes was wearing a black trash bag and yelling “Darth Vader!”

Yes, you have indeed read that story correctly. Weep for humanity.