Not to end the weekend on a downer, but it looks like humanity is done for. Octopi have learned how to walk, and will probably overthrow us within a decade.
In Wales, about 20 octopi were recorded making their way along a beach. In case why that’s alarming isn’t clear to you, a beach is not the water, it is the sand near the water. These sea monsters are able to get around on land. Wildlife experts have never seen octopuses do this before, and they have no idea why they were doing it in the first place. The best guess they have is that the water was crowded so some of them wanted to have a little room.
These things are crowding up the oceans. There’s an army of these guys, and they’ve decided they want our land. This could be it, people.
Paul Marshallsea was given simple directions by his doctor: to take some time off of work due to stress. And how did he choose to spend his time recuperating from stress? By going to Australia, home of the world’s most dangerous everything, and when that wasn’t enough, swimming away from the venom-soaked continent to wrestle a shark.
So, it only makes sense that the charity for which he works, the Pant and Dowlais Boys & Girls Club, fired him. When you use time off to rescue someone other country’s kids from a shark, that’s called moonlighting, Mr. Marshallsea.
And in parallel news, the shark was fired by his entire species for “violating the confidence and trust in him and his ability to perform the role” of devouring Australians.
A bit of an incendiary headline? Yeah, I’ll admit it is. But before the people of Wales start emailing me hate mail consisting of a bunch of consonants and only one vowel, just pause for a second and read.
Over the past few years, we’ve seen the effects of UFOs on the population. They make everyone pause and shriek in terror, and for good reason too: no one wants to get mutilated or probed. That’s just yucky. Well, who would expect a UFO to have the gall to appear recently in Wales? No one did–which is why a Welsh citizen called the local police to make sure that they knew a UFO was in the general area. Good job, citizen … right?
When I was a lad, my mom would sing to me a song that started out with “I see the moon and the moon sees me”. It would seem that no one in south Wales has ever had that song, as the unidentified flying object in question was the moon. Yes, the same moon seen every night since … ever. No one recognized the moon. Not so much a good job, citizen.
Flash forward to now! Arwel has managed to avoid jail time, using the age old defense “I was so drunk, I don’t even remember it taking place.” You would think that the video taping of the incident (done so because “the church” was taping their “service”) might jog his memory, but, well, I can’t say that I’ve ever actually heard of Wales being done for their progressive attitude and inherent of adaptation of new technology. Alas. A great disturbance in the judicial side of the Force remains.
Fun Fact: In the 2001 United Kingdom census, 390,000 — 0.7 percent of the population — listed Jedi as their religion.
That’s most assuredly .699999999% more than I ever would have guessed.
Oh, those wacky, zany Welsh people! Whatever will they get into next?
Apparently, it would seem to be shenanigans involving the Sith and alcoholism. A North West Welshmen has admitted to assaulting a man and the man’s cousin with a metal crutch. Now, this isn’t very unusual; the situation, however, is very much so out of the norm. Barney Jones, who had founded a Jedi church in his backyard, was attacked by Arwel Wynne Hughes, Dark Lord of the Sith (who, given that he was Welsh, probably had a name similar to Darth Wrtnhgjnrtanllms) and the sauce, all while Hughes was wearing a black trash bag and yelling “Darth Vader!”
Yes, you have indeed read that story correctly. Weep for humanity.