Octopi learn to walk on land; nice knowing you all

Not to end the weekend on a downer, but it looks like humanity is done for. Octopi have learned how to walk, and will probably overthrow us within a decade.

In Wales, about 20 octopi were recorded making their way along a beach. In case why that’s alarming isn’t clear to you, a beach is not the water, it is the sand near the water. These sea monsters are able to get around on land. Wildlife experts have never seen octopuses do this before, and they have no idea why they were doing it in the first place. The best guess they have is that the water was crowded so some of them wanted to have a little room.

These things are crowding up the oceans. There’s an army of these guys, and they’ve decided they want our land. This could be it, people.

Walk like an emperor (penguin)

German doctors have also prescribed the proper PPE for walking across ice.

After more than 750 emergency calls and full emergency rooms two years ago due to untreated ice in Germany, the authorities have a plan in place for sub-freezing temperatures this weekend. No, it doesn’t involve actually treating the streets and sidewalks. German doctors instead suggest walking like a penguin so that their people are less likely to slip and fall onto their lederhosen or spiky helmets.

The issue stems from how your average human balances their weight when walking. Normally, we distribute our weight across both the front and back foot, which makes us more likely to fall when one foot slips. But, leaning forward over the front foot each step (which definitely needs to be clarified because we did not picture penguins doing that when walking), we’re more stable. Unless the front foot you’ve put all your faith in slips — then f*ck you.

What’s a little surprising is that the Germans chose to put all their weight on the front foot instead of the back. We’ve never seen a goose slip on ice before, so why not recommend goose stepp-

Oh. Ohhhhh.

Ask Dr. Snee: Actively answering letters

Hello there, and welcome to another round of Ask Dr. Snee. I’m pretty busy right now, training this group of interns. But I figured that since this week’s topic is getting Americans more active, I could use your letters as a training opportunity.

Speaking of, you ever notice how these “exercise more” campaigns always coincide with the Summer Olympics? That’s America’s old Cold War fever setting in again. It’s not the same as when footraces were the world’s most obvious analogy for the arms race, but China’s kind of like that rebound nemesis every superpower needs after a break-up.

So, get set for some great exercising tips (dudes) and a stiff, awkward bed-side manner (ladies).  Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Actively answering letters

The internet loves your mistakes but people love your money

So, remember how a woman was oblivious enough to not be aware about her surroundings while texting and walking? It would seem that someone needs to pay for her blunder! They will pay!

The woman, who up until now, has been unknown, has now been revealed to be 46 year old Cathy Cruz Marrero. That happens when lawsuits come about.

Oh, right, see, Marrero is suing the Berkshire Mall. The gall of anyone suggesting she take responsibility for her actions! When asked about the event:

“I’m just like dumbfounded. And all I kept saying was, ‘I fell. I fell. I fell in the fountain. I fell in the fountain.”

Correction: You clumsily stumbled in the fountain. What you should be saying is “I clumsily stumbled. I clumsily stumbled. I clumsily stumbled in the fountain. I clumsily stumbled in the fountain.” Fixed!