Not to end the weekend on a downer, but it looks like humanity is done for. Octopi have learned how to walk, and will probably overthrow us within a decade.
In Wales, about 20 octopi were recorded making their way along a beach. In case why that’s alarming isn’t clear to you, a beach is not the water, it is the sand near the water. These sea monsters are able to get around on land. Wildlife experts have never seen octopuses do this before, and they have no idea why they were doing it in the first place. The best guess they have is that the water was crowded so some of them wanted to have a little room.
These things are crowding up the oceans. There’s an army of these guys, and they’ve decided they want our land. This could be it, people.
After more than 750 emergency calls and full emergency rooms two years ago due to untreated ice in Germany, the authorities have a plan in place for sub-freezing temperatures this weekend. No, it doesn’t involve actually treating the streets and sidewalks. German doctors instead suggest walking like a penguin so that their people are less likely to slip and fall onto their lederhosen or spiky helmets.
The issue stems from how your average human balances their weight when walking. Normally, we distribute our weight across both the front and back foot, which makes us more likely to fall when one foot slips. But, leaning forward over the front foot each step (which definitely needs to be clarified because we did not picture penguins doing that when walking), we’re more stable. Unless the front foot you’ve put all your faith in slips — then f*ck you.
What’s a little surprising is that the Germans chose to put all their weight on the front foot instead of the back. We’ve never seen a goose slip on ice before, so why not recommend goose stepp-
Hello there, and welcome to another round of Ask Dr. Snee. I’m pretty busy right now, training this group of interns. But I figured that since this week’s topic is getting Americans more active, I could use your letters as a training opportunity.
Speaking of, you ever notice how these “exercise more” campaigns always coincide with the Summer Olympics? That’s America’s old Cold War fever setting in again. It’s not the same as when footraces were the world’s most obvious analogy for the arms race, but China’s kind of like that rebound nemesis every superpower needs after a break-up.
“I’m just like dumbfounded. And all I kept saying was, ‘I fell. I fell. I fell in the fountain. I fell in the fountain.”
Correction: You clumsily stumbled in the fountain. What you should be saying is “I clumsily stumbled. I clumsily stumbled. I clumsily stumbled in the fountain. I clumsily stumbled in the fountain.” Fixed!