Vermont in chaos after maple syrup spill

Our hearts go out to those affected by last night’s horrible tragedy in Vermont last night. We offer our thoughts and prayers as recovery efforts begin.

The northbound lanes of Interstate 91 had to be shut down last night after a barrel of maple syrup fell off a truck and coated the roadway. Authorities say the incident happened just a few miles away from the Canadian border. We don’t know the origin or destination of the cargo, but it seems reasonable to guess that Vermont’s famous maple syrup was being shipped up to Canada.

With incidents like these, it’s a wonder that Canada doesn’t build a wall to keep this kind of danger out.

What’s the appeal of long-distance girlfriends, again?

If you’ve been trying to start a business that’s so sad that it’s genius, then we’re sorry to tell you that “fake Internet girlfriend agency” has already been taken.

If you don’t immediately find the appeal in paying a service to reply to your tweets and post messages on your Facebook wall, let Cloud Girlfriend company co-founder David Fuhriman assure you that:

1. The person behind the fake account is an actual woman with possibly functioning woman parts.

2. There is absolutely no possibility of nude photos or porn.

3. It’s “just like having a real long-distance girlfriend,” only “without the hassles.”

So, if you think about it, it’s like paying for a prostitute without the hassle of STDs. Or like going to a strip club, minus the hassle of seeing some rude titties. Or like having friends, but without the hassle of introducing your fake girlfriend to them.