That might be the prevailing theme behind the majority of the stories that we talk about here at SG: “just because you can doesn’t mean you should.” This rule of thumb can be applied to men, women, children, old people, even animals. We understand that there are times in your life that you might think taking an action will further your life in a positive direction or even just be awesome. When you encounter these moments, please apply the above mantra.
Such as when you’re living your life as a woman (having previously been a man) and you’ve just gotten a new pair of sweater muffins. Hey, you’re proud of them! Should other people marvel at them? Maybe. Should other people marvel at them when you’re at Walmart? Probably not. Actions like those can sometimes get you arrested.
Hey, we’re just looking out for you, though not necessarily looking at you.
There are a few do’s and don’t’s when it comes to shoplifting. The Guys won’t dare tell you the do’s because we enjoy being free citizens of this country; however, we will say that there’s probably one big don’t that you should put above all else: don’t leave any evidence back at the store that can incriminate you.
Examples of this can be:
At a Walmart in Massachusetts, staff apparently saw three men shoplift packs of Pokémon cards and exit the store. Police searched one of the suspects’ vehicle and discovered a large stash of Pokémon cards worth 442 dollars.
Those are the facts. Here are more facts: the three men—David Danforth, James J. Davis, and Sean H. Nadeau—were arrested and now face charges of conspiracy and larceny. All are at least 18 years of age.
Okay. I’ve not bought a pack of trading cards since I was 9, maybe 10, and they were, at most, around 4 dollars a pack. I can only assume that since 18 years have passed, the prices of trading card packs have gone up. Nonetheless, how does someone steal that many packs of cards and who are they selling it to? Also, if they’re in Walmart, couldn’t they shoplift something of a higher resale value?
I have breaking news for everyone: Despite what you might have thought in the past, the million dollar bill isn’t actually true legal tender in the United States of America. I know, I know, I too am shocked by this notion. But it seems to be true. Why?
Because Walmart says so.
Well, Walmart and the US government, that is.
See, we know this because a man allegedly walked into a Lexington, North Carolina, Walmart and attempted to buy some regular, run of the mill, household appliances with the aforementioned counterfeit tender. When he continued to push the idea that the bill was real, the police proceeded to push him into jail.
Remember Richard Griswold? Remember his adventures in a Walmart parking lot? Remember how he backed into a light pole that was painted a bright yellow?
Pepperidge Farm doesn’t. But SeriouslyGuys and District Court Judge Sawako Gardner both do. We both know that Griswold somehow managed to make a clod move on his part and then decided to blame someone else for it. However, only Gardner had the legal ability to do something about it (vote Yes on Proposition 456235.SG to make that a reality for SG!) and did he:
In a decision released by the court on Wednesday, the judge wrote that Griswold failed to meet the burden of proof during a previous court hearing. The judge noted Griswold claimed the pole was “not placed properly,” that other drivers had struck it and that it should be moved by Walmart. The judge also wrote Walmart’s opinion that the crash was due to Griswold’s “own negligence.”
It’s never fun to have your inability to simply operate a vehicle in a parking lot become a matter of legal record.
I’m not very tall.
Seriously. When I back out of places, I have do a near total turn of my body while sitting in order to make sure that I don’t hit anyone or anything. This is also compounded (or perhaps helped) by the fact that I drive a car that isn’t exactly the largest on the road. Nonetheless, I’ve never backed into anything.
A friend of mine, while embarrassed at one point in her life, once peeled out of a parking lot, but not before accidentally backing into a light pole, doing just a little bit of damage to the end of her car. Lawsuits? What are those?
Richard Griswold of Maine drove into a light pole in a Walmart parking lot after subsequently dropping a passenger off, feels he’s not to blame and has now sued said Walmart because of that. So, who’s got a line on how quickly this suit ends?
We’re gonna go on a lark here, but we’re pretty sure that you, our SG audience, is familiar with the concept of Coldstone Creamery or Maggie Moo, right? You pick a gigantic glob of flavored ice cream at whichever size you prefer (glob, globby and Kraft Globboroni & Cheese is the globbiest) and your dessert is then taken to an ice cold freezer plate, where you can have ‘mix-ins’ (candy pieces, fruit bits, syrups) added into your ice cream to make one enormous concoction.
Now, mind you, the mix-ins usually cost extra. But if you’re really lucky, you’ll get the mix-ins for free! And if you’re really lucky, you’ll get them from a place that doesn’t even offer mix-ins!
This makes Teresa McMillen’s daughter, who found a piece of metal in a small, cup size, hand-held carton of Walmart’s Great Value brand ice cream to be the luckiest person ever born.
Oh Walmart. The crimes that linger in and around your stores give us no dearth of laughs. I mean, obviously, it can be gathered that the majority of the people that commit acts of disingenuous behavior in your presence probably aren’t the smartest people in their locale; however, there are some members of the intelligencia living among the detritus.
After all, how else can you explain using a newborn baby as a blunt object in order to avoid being captured by the authorities, especially if you’re the parent of said child? Had he used a baby, mighty Casey Jones may not have struck out. Had she used a baby, perhaps Elin could have gotten answers out of Tiger a lot earlier.
Sadly, we’ll never know. The only evidence we have is a Syracuse woman stealing a large amount of goods from a store and then using a baby in a baby carrier like a ye olde ball and chain against a loss prevention officer in the attempt to flee the store. A flee attempt that eventually ended unsuccessfully, mind you. Alas, we may never know this secret of the world.
The next time that you find yourself arrested for stealing goods of some sort, don’t try to play it off or, for that matter, even accept fault. Blame the devil. It’s clearly the smartest idea.
Jeanne Jones was caught shoplifting in a New Jersey Walmart. Her plan of action? Assault the loss-prevention officer and drive off. Of course, if you do so, you might want to make sure that you don’t leave anything incriminating behind-like your purse.
If do so, you might have to call the store back to see if they’ve found it. Unfortunately, you know who also uses the phone? The police. It’s cool; when they ask why you shoplifted and assault somebody, just say that you were possessed by the devil during that instance. Remember, the best responsibility to take hold of is no responsibility.
You may not know it, but Uniontown, Pennsylvania has a police force that works hard to solve crimes that local evil masterminds, they did not let the town down recently.
Police say Craig David Jr. was having a rough week. He had just gotten out of the hospital for a domestic dispute, where he had been struck with a frying pan and a table leg. He met an ex-girlfriend at Wal-Mart, still in his hospital gown. The ex agreed to pay for his prescription, but allegedly snatched $50 and then made his getaway on a store scooter. He didn’t get very far on one of those babies.