Dogs wage war on Wal-Mart

You’re never truly safe from a dog attack. There could be a pack of them just around the corner from you, waiting to pounce at any time. What’s worse is that now they know how to drive.

In West Virginia, a woman was nearly run over by at car in a Wal-Mart parking lot. The slow-moving car narrowly missed the woman, but succeeded in striking the store itself. The car had been driven by a pair of dogs, one riding shotgun. Authorities say an elderly woman left her car running so that her dogs would stay cool, but the beasts figured out how to shift the car out of park. They even figured out how to roll down the window.

We have no doubt that this attack will inspire copy cats–err, dogs to do the same thing. Beware of dogs.

Number one seller of Crocs installing fancy door men again

Walmart is adding the "greeter" phase back to American lifecycle.
Walmart is adding the “greeter” phase back to American lifecycle.

We didn’t notice it, but at some point, Walmart stopped posting greeters at the entrance of their stores. Maybe because we were trying to avoid eye contact with them.

Well, they — and the social awkwardness they stir up in us when we just want salve-labored produced kitchen ware — are coming back. Walmart announced that they will add 9,000 more employees, many of which will be moved to the front of the store to order you to have a nice day when you come in and check your receipts for stolen crap when you leave.

And they’ll be right by the door, judging us for being grown-ups riding the quarter-fed horsey ride out front.

Walmart: America’s Bar

No one that writes for this website would ever castigate someone for going on a bender. Leaving Las Vegas is a wonderful movie. Almost everything that the great Hunter S. Thompson wrote was done while he was on a bender of some sort. And to quote The Simpsons, “Boy, look, it’s Lee Marvin. He’s always drunk!”

That’s why we promise not to make fun of Elizabeth McGovern. According to New York state troopers, she was essentially on a 2 day bender in a Walmart … while using said Walmart to fuel said bender. We’re not bothered at all by it; in fact, we’re impressed.

Welcome to your new drunk royalty.

Alligators: The kryptonite of Walmart

Walmart is pretty well known for doing what they want and damn the consequences. When they want to be open, they’ll be open. Deal with it.

They’re open on Easter Day.

They’re open on the Fourth of July.

They’re open on Thanksgiving.

They’re open on Christmas Eve.

If you didn’t know, you’d probably guess that they were open on Christmas Day.

You know when they’re not closed, though? When an alligator comes to the store. If a simple 6 foot reptile can shut down a consumer power, hoo-boy.

Thieves need to watch more cartoons

In all cartoons that involve theft or breaking into places, a plan is drawn up. With said plan, the culprits tend to watch out for many things, such as employees, where a person is breaking into and whatnot. This is even more evident when the items to be used are normal handyman tools: screwdrivers, pliers and handsaws.

One man may have never watched cartoons in all his life. He attempted to break into the cash room of a Walmart by cutting into it. Cutting into it how? A handsaw. Smooth.

This is easily the best instance of a cartoon plot becoming real life, even more so due to the culprit casually walked out of the Walmart after being seen.

That is most certainly not hand sanitizer

If you didn’t already think that Wal-Mart bathrooms were skeevy, this won’t change your opinion for the better.

A man has been accused of prostituting himself. In a Wal-Mart bathroom. On his breaks as an employee of said Wal-Mart. And the dirtiest part: he’s alleged to have used Craigslist to set up said escapades.

Despite the legality of the situation (it’s not legal), one must admire the hustle and work ethic of the man to earn a dollar, no matter how scary the location may be.

Just because you can doesn’t mean you should

That might be the prevailing theme behind the majority of the stories that we talk about here at SG: “just because you can doesn’t mean you should.” This rule of thumb can be applied to men, women, children, old people, even animals. We understand that there are times in your life that you might think taking an action will further your life in a positive direction or even just be awesome. When you encounter these moments, please apply the above mantra.

Such as when you’re living your life as a woman (having previously been a man) and you’ve just gotten a new pair of sweater muffins. Hey, you’re proud of them! Should other people marvel at them? Maybe. Should other people marvel at them when you’re at Walmart? Probably not. Actions like those can sometimes get you arrested.

Hey, we’re just looking out for you, though not necessarily looking at you.

Can I get a price-check on a 1-year-old?

There are a few do’s and don’t’s when it comes to shoplifting. The Guys won’t dare tell you the do’s because we enjoy being free citizens of this country; however, we will say that there’s probably one big don’t that you should put above all else: don’t leave any evidence back at the store that can incriminate you.

Examples of this can be:

Cops use super-effective moves on thieves

At a Walmart in Massachusetts, staff apparently saw three men shoplift packs of Pokémon cards and exit the store. Police searched one of the suspects’ vehicle and discovered a large stash of Pokémon cards worth 442 dollars.

Those are the facts. Here are more facts: the three men—David Danforth, James J. Davis, and Sean H. Nadeau—were arrested and now face charges of conspiracy and larceny. All are at least 18 years of age.

Okay. I’ve not bought a pack of trading cards since I was 9, maybe 10, and they were, at most, around 4 dollars a pack. I can only assume that since 18 years have passed, the prices of trading card packs have gone up. Nonetheless, how does someone steal that many packs of cards and who are they selling it to? Also, if they’re in Walmart, couldn’t they shoplift something of a higher resale value?

Dr. Evil no longer interested in Walmart

I have breaking news for everyone: Despite what you might have thought in the past, the million dollar bill isn’t actually true legal tender in the United States of America. I know, I know, I too am shocked by this notion. But it seems to be true. Why?

Because Walmart says so.

Well, Walmart and the US government, that is.

See, we know this because a man allegedly walked into a Lexington, North Carolina, Walmart and attempted to buy some regular, run of the mill, household appliances with the aforementioned counterfeit tender. When he continued to push the idea that the bill was real, the police proceeded to push him into jail.