You Missed It: Comes in threes edition

Listen folks, I’ll be honest with you. I just want to get the hell out of here. See, I’ve got a bender coming up and we all know some things just take priority over the trivial things, like work, in this crazy thing we call life. This may help you the pass time, I’m doing my best to figure out other forms of time travel. If you were busy starring in a loud movie with good and bad alien robots this week, odds are you missed it.

The King of Pop is dead, long live the King of Pop
Did you hear? Acquitted child molester and singer Michael Jackson died yesterday of what could be a heart attack. The Internet almost crashed right along with him, as many news sites reported service outages. Jackson’s death marked the third celebrity death this week. Farrah Fawcett and Ed McMahon preceded him. McMahon got a pretty good showing of attention, but Fawcett, famous for have blonde hair and nipples, got the shaft since she died a few hours before Jackson. Also, Walter Cronkite’s children are stubbornly insisting their father still lives.

Marriage is an important issue to GOP, fidelity not so much
South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford went AWOL this week following what was a rough session of the state legislature or something. In a Waldo-esque adventure, Sanford ditched his security detail, no one on his staff or even his wife knew where he was for days. It was then reported he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail (during naked hiking day no less). Then he turned up at a Georgia airport, returning from Argentina, where his mistress lives. Great, now we’re even exporting jobs in our nation’s sport f&%#ing industry?

United States: Leader in foot-croquet
In international news, soccer, which I am told is a sport, has been the focus of the world with the FIFA Confederations Cup tournament. In nothing short of a miracle, the U.S. team has advanced after upsetting Egypt and Spain, they now go on to face Brazil in the final round. What’s the reason behind the Americans’ success thus far? Extensive experience in winning engagements with Confederates.

You Missed It: Signing off edition

You know you were waiting for it. To some degree, I was too. I’m not speaking about the fact that it’s Friday, but that YMI is here once again. There’s also a little excitement about the weekend and all that, but whatever. If you were busy waiting a UFO at a theme park this week, odds are you missed it.

And that’s the way it is
Reports are coming in that legendary news anchor Ron Burgundy Walter Cronkite, 92, is very sick and will likely die. The CBS news man reached an iconic level for his 19 years anchoring, as well as reporting for several decades. Cronkite stood as shining example of what broadcast journalism could be–unbiased, un-opinionated and unflinching, which are now seen as quaint little ideas in the news media today. Since he’s sick, I’m going to call it right now. Walter Cronkite is dead and will be missed dearly. If only it were Dan Rather

America’s mistress industry needs bailouts
Up-and-coming GOP Sen. John Ensign admitted this week that he had an affair (with a woman). Normally, this is enough to get you in trouble in Washington, but there’s more. It turns out that Ensign was using taxpayer money to pay her and her family for a while. So that’s the moral and fiscal responsibility Republicans keep preaching about!

Freedom is the only way
North Korea is at it again, it seems. The country announced that it plans to fire a missile in the Pacific Ocean toward Hawaii sometime soon, possibly on the Fourth of July. Much of the world is watching anxiously, as Kim Jong Il and his evil army have access to numerous chemical and biological weapons. In other news, Team America 2 is coming this summer. F$%* yeah.

If you have Walter Cronkite in your death pool …

Not Higgins.… then you and Uncle Walter might both be cashing in soon, although with very different meanings.

According to a report taken from Mediabistro and run amok in almost every other online news source, famed news broadcaster, Walter Cronkite, is “ailing.” To translate: being 92 years-old sucks, but to be 92 years-old and ailing is worse (if you’d believe it).

Since he’s a famous person dying of natural causes, we’re hoping he’ll have some cool last words, maybe even his closing line from his broadcasts, “And that’s the way I was.”

In Other News: Walter Cronkite is still alive.