Mosquitoes remember the taste of your blood, science says

Mosquitoes remember you long after they have bitten you or been shooed away. They’re basically the Adeles of the insect world.

According to a new study, mosquitoes will remember you if your blood is particularly tasty, which may be why you get bitten again and again. This seems like a solid reason to avoid sweets any time you’re going to be outdoors for an extended period of time.

Scientists also learned that the blood suckers will remember to avoid you if you swat at them. So flail around like a crazy person for a few minutes when mosquitoes are around, and you’ll never have to worry about them bothering you.

America-hating groundhog steals flags from graves

A graveyard in Massachusetts has been the subject of vandalism — very unpatriotic vandalism at that. Someone is stealing the flags from the graves of veterans. And unsurprisingly, it’s the animals that are to blame.

Flags placed at graves for Memorial Day were reported missing or vandalized in the days that followed, prompting an investigation by local authorities. Now, police have identified their leading suspect: a groundhog that hates America. The investigation is ongoing, but authorities say it seems most likely to be the work of an evil groundhog, and if it is, they will catch it.

Folks, in times as divisive as these, the animals are trying to divide us even further. Let’s come together, not as Red America and Blue America, but as humans, and eliminate these vermin once and for all.

Sexiest cow in Britain is a real contest and has a winner

There have been a lot of reminders lately to reach out to friends who may be going through a tough time. Mental health is important. So we need to ask, has anyone checked on England yesterday?

Yes, Great Britain, the country you haven’t thought about since the royal wedding. The country just awarded the title of sexiest cow. Char, a Jersey cow from Devon, took the title. It was reportedly quite a tough decision, as numerous entries were made — for the title of sexiest cow. Judges from a U.K. seed company, which hosted the competition, shortened the list to 40 candidates, and eventually chose Char.

Can someone call up England and see if they want to talk about things?

Mussels are hooked on opioids

Opioids: they kill pain, they destroy lives and they make it tough to poop. We thought it was just a problem for humans, we were wrong.

A new study has found that mussels in Puget Sound are hooked on opioids, too. Researchers tested mussels in 18 different areas of the sound, and three of those areas tested positive for oxycodone. And get this, the liberal hippie scientists in Washington state claim it’s not the addicts’ fault. Instead, they blame humans, who take oxy and then pee it out, and that pee makes it into Puget Sound, where the mussels absorb it.

The mussels say they just like to party and can quit any time they want, and they don’t care what you think about them.

This is what society has come to: hugging cows

We, as a nation, have gone soft. People don’t have any backbone anymore. We’re all so concerned about hurting peoples’ feelings that we forget who we are and who our enemies are. For example, people are hugging cows.

A farm in upstate New York offers a new service to interact with its cows and horses. This service isn’t to learn more about the enemy, but to cuddle with the beasts. For just $300, you and a friend can hug horses and cows for 90 minutes. Why would a person do this? Apparently some believe this therapeutic to be in close contact with smelly beasts of burden.

Hippie farmers say that being close to these animals and their slower heartbeats is soothing for humans. We call it treason.

Science: Maybe squid, octopi came from space

Yet another prediction from “The Simpsons” come true.

There are a lot of weird looking animals on this planet. Sometimes we even say they look like aliens. It’s possible we’ve been right the whole time.

According to a study published in a peer-reviewed journal, squid and octopi may have come from outer space. Octopi have the ability to edit their own RNA, which is an ability not found in any other branch of the animal kingdom. Given that recent studies have found that it is possible for organic molecules to exist in space, researchers argue that life may have come from other worlds. They argue that the scientific community can not rule out that squid or octopus eggs, or even the animals themselves, came to Earth millions and millions of years ago this way.

Science just backed up Prometheus.

Police called after man argues with A-hole parrot

Parrots can’t speak German primarily because of the umlauts.

Never have a pet that can argue with you. That should be your top consideration when thinking about owning an animal.

In Germany, police were called to an apartment after a neighbor reported a loud argument that had been going on for some time. They found a man arguing with a parrot. The 22-year-old man told police that he was annoyed with the bird, which his girlfriend owns, and began yelling at it. The bird apparently can bark like a dog, but not speak.

A few observations about this:

  • Of course the girlfriend owns something as annoying as a parrot, much less a parrot that barks like a dog.
  • Clearly, alcohol was involved in this.
  • Imagine explaining to your girlfriend when she comes home that police questioned you for arguing with her pet.
  • This sounds like a healthy relationship.

Alaska capital goes dark after dastardly animal attack

The residents of Juneau, Alaska, are good, hard-working Americans. Certain politicians would probably even call them “real Americans.” And on Monday, there was a terrorist attack on their grid.

Authorities say that an eagle dropped a foot-long piece of metal on a power line, which caused an outage for the good people of Juneau. For well over 40 minutes these folks had to endure life without electricity. All because of an attack on our infrastructure by the animals.

Symbol of America or not, it is well past time that we finished off the bald eagles once and for all.

Your spiders and goats are no longer welcome on American Airlines

It’s not often that we take the time to praise airlines for doing something good. That’s usually because the only do things that make us pay more and make the whole process of flying even more stressful. Not today. American Airlines is cracking down on animals on flights.

For far too long we’ve let freeloading animals on flights because they’re “emotional support animals,” well, those days are over? Looking to bring your emotional support spider on board with you? Tough cookies. The same goes for your goats, ferrets and reptiles. Even if they’re emotional support animals, a long list of creatures will not be allowed on American Airlines flights, starting July 1.

It’s about time we started getting tough on those needing emotional support.

Dog shoots man

At the risk of sounding like liberal snowflakes, we’re going to argue that dogs should not be allowed to use firearms, despite whatever Constitutional scholars may say.

In Iowa, a man was taken to the emergency room after suffering a gunshot at the hands, er, paws of his dog. According to reports, the man was lying on his couch wearing his gun in a belly band holster — because why wouldn’t you want to be packing while relaxing on the couch? — when his dog jumped up and disabled the thumb safety and trigger safety, then jumped up again and pulled the trigger. The man was shot in the leg.

Despite the obvious assassination attempt, the man doesn’t blame the dog, but considers it an accident. Folks, studies show that the chances of being shot by your dog go up exponentially if you have a gun in your house, and even more if you own a dog.