Coup averted: Dog cannot run for governor in Kansas

Today is a big day. Today our faith was reaffirmed in the system and its ability to keep us safe from our enemies, the animals. A dog cannot run for governor in Kansas.

Hutch the dog applied to run for governor of Kansas last weekend. Rather, the humans he controls filled out the paperwork for him. And this week the Kansas Secretary of State’s Office ruled that Hutch cannot run because he would not be able to carry out the responsibilities of such a position.

Obviously, an animal takeover of our democratic process is the greatest threat to our country today. We have a glimpse into the hell that a Hutch administration would look like His campaign managers said Hutch planned on naming his sister and brother lieutenant governor and secretary of state. Nepotism much?

Stuffed toy tiger in standoff with police

Law enforcement officers put their lives on the line every day to keep us safe, that includes keeping us safe from animals real and fake.

In Scotland, police responded to reports of a tiger in a cow barn. The property owner took a break from a party he was hosting to check on his cows at night and was shocked to see a tiger stretched out on the floor of the barn, looking quite comfortable. Authorities treated the situation quite seriously, as Scottish countryside is lousy with tigers.

A photograph of the beast was sent to police headquarters and confirmed as legit. Police officers on the scene stayed back from the barn and tried negotiating with the tiger, which refused to come out. After 45 minutes some brave officers got close enough to find that it was just a stuffed toy tiger.

No one knows how the stuffed tiger got into the barn, but it seems obvious that the animals are just testing our response times.

Foolish scientists teach orca to speak English

Researchers spend countless hours every year observing animals to try to understand how they communicate. And aside from a few bird owners, no one has bothered trying to teach animals how to talk like us. Until now.

Wikie the orca has learned how to imitate certain sounds, including the word “Hello.” Researchers say they taught the beast how to say a few different words to demonstrate the species’ mimicking abilities. Of course, they forgot that they were teaching English to freaking killer whales. Once they know what we’re saying, there’s no doubt they will use it against us. The only consolation we have is that Wikie lives in an aquarium in France, where her skills won’t be of much use.

The up side is that Wikie was also taught how to mimic fart noises incredibly well.

Donkey takes goats, sheep on the lamb in L.A.

Los Angeles has had a rough go of it lately. It’s had a drought, wild fires, mudslides and NCIS: Los Angeles. But things somehow got even worse for Angelenos when a pack of animals ran loose on the streets.

Authorities say a donkey led a herd of goats and sheep through the streets of an L.A. suburb late last week. The beasts refused to comply with lawful orders of police officers to go home. They even managed to evade the cops attempting to arrest them. Considering how friendly L.A. cops can be when arresting you, this shows quite a bit of defiance.

Eventually, police tracked down the owner of the animals, which it was found had escaped through an open gate. The owner helped herd the animals, which for some reason were not charged with a single crime.

Sea lions have terrible taste in music

The Bible tells us that animals have no souls, despite every pet owner in the world trying to humanize their pets with captions on Facebook. We just got further confirmation that they have no souls, and by “they,” we mean sea lions.

Researchers at the University of California-Santa Cruz have been conducting tests on their prisoners, conducting psychological warfare by playing terrible music. What they found is nothing short of shocking. Sea lions are able to bob their heads to the beat of a song they have heard before.

Further, when they hear a new song, a Backstreet Boys song, they are able to bob their heads to that as well. Which means that sea lions like the Backstreet Boys. Not even our interrogation tactics work against them!

Animals take a back seat in Illinois

Illinois has a lot of problems these days. For one thing, it’s got Chicago, with one of the highest murder rates in the country, not counting the slow murders brought on by deep-dish-pizza purveyors. But luckily, state legislators are ready to address one of the biggest issues facing the state: animals in cars.

A bill in the Illinois legislature would make it illegal for people to drive with their dogs on their laps. Not only is this a clear sign that the state is littered with those people, it’s a sign that the state lawmakers are ready to recognize the threat pets pose in the car.

We all know that dogs pretend to be our friends, acting stupid, all the while observing us and taking notes to take back to their leaders. This includes how to drive. Once the animals figure out how these machines work, they will be able to avoid the cars more effectively, cause them to crash more easily, and, dare we say it, learn to operate the motor vehicles themselves.

In Soviet Russia, dolphins kill you

We don’t want to alarm anyone, but some military-trained dolphins have gone AWOL. No, really. Let’s back up a bit.

The Soviets had a secret dolphin military training program back in the day, going back as far as 1973. They were used to detect things like mines usually, but they were also capable of attacking enemy divers and putting explosives on the sides of enemy ships. After the USSR fell, the evil dolphin unit was basically given to the Ukrainian navy, which began teaching them civilian things like working with children, which is exactly what you want a trained killer to do. But recently, they went back to their old training, complete with special knives and guns on their heads.

And now it looks like those dolphins spotted some females and went off to get them some. Yes, there are military-trained killer dolphins that are now swimming free. Thanks, commies.

 

Bug spray won’t cut it in Florida this year

If you live in Florida, you may want to consider moving before the summer comes. We’re sure it’s a very nice place and all that, but it’s about to get flat-out terrifying.

It’s no secret that Florida is one big swamp, and that mosquitoes love swamps, so naturally, the bugs are all over the state. But now, according to this headline, scientists are expecting a “Large, aggressive mosquito.” It’s likely going to be from the Psorophora ciliata species, which sounds like something you shouldn’t google at work.

The article is short on details, and we don’t want to speculate, but it probably means that the state will be terrorized by a single mutant mosquito, roughly the size of a house, and the demeanor of grizzly bear.

Of course, if you want to hunt this mega-mosquito, we’ll write songs about you when you bring us its head.

Next time, Mr. Bond

The U.K. is slowly calming down after a scare that it was being invaded by crocs.

Last week, a retiree was out riding his bike along the River Thames, better known as that river that flows through London, when he saw a crocodile in the river. This set off a wave of panic throughout the country, as citizens rightfully wondered if the animals were going after the royal family. But, as it turns out, it was just a fake gator used in Live and Let Die, you know, the James Bond movie that takes place in Louisiana.

The prop, which was used in the scene where Roger Moore runs across the backs of gators, was stored on an island by a man who worked on several Bond films, and likely washed away during recent flooding.

Had the Thames gator, or croc, or whatever, been the real deal, we’re sure that Bond would have handled it.

Hasn’t hockey suffered enough?

Hockey has had a rough year, thanks to the NHL lockout, but it’s proved a boost for the minor league teams, and unfortunately, the animals know this. That’s why they chose to cause mayhem at a recent Bakersfield Condors game in California.

At some point, a real condor convinced its handler that it would be a good idea to bring it out on the ice during the national anthem. The condor escaped from its handler, of course, who eventually caught it. Then, when the handler slipped and fell on the ice the condor escaped again. It calmly walked over to the home team’s bench and hopped over the boards, harassing the Bakersfield Condors.

Eventually, the condor walked itself back to the locker room, confident it had instilled fear in everyone in the arena.