It was nearly lunch time when the attack happened. Fish raining down from the sky as helpless schoolchildren looked on.
In California, our animal foes carried out a cowardly attack on an elementary school, undoubtedly targeting children. Authorities say just before noon, a whole lot of fish fell from the sky, striking the campus of Stanford Avenue Elementary School. State officials say the fish were a species of carp not found in the river near the school, and offered no answers as to how the attack was carried out.
Fortunately, no humans were hurt in the suicide attack. No animal groups have claimed responsibility at this point.
We feel safe when we’re in civilization. We’re around other people, we’re close to bathrooms, and we generally don’t have to worry about animals. Maybe nowhere is safe now.
In Tennessee, patrons where enjoying being inside of a Waffle House and, we assume, eating waffles, when they saw deputies trying to corral a steer in the parking lot. The steer had reportedly gotten loose and was making its way through the town of Cookeville. Authorities were about to get the steer into the Waffle House parking lot, but it managed to slip past the police cars and continue on down the road. We don’t know what actually ended up happening to it. The citizens of Cookeville are no doubt living in fear.
And in Minnesota, a Wal-Mart was invaded by a deer. The beast made it to the pet aisle before some hero tackled it and put it in a headlock. Unfortunately, the Wal-Mart shoppers took pity on their attacker, and set him free outside the store.
When we see animal attacks on mankind, the incidents tend to be limited to one country, and involve common folk, rather than leaders. Folks, we may be seeing an escalation.
In Austria, a British ambassador escaped an assassination attempt by a wild boar. Leigh Turner, the U.K. ambassador to Austria, was exploring a nature park in Vienna when he came across a group of wild boars. Though he tried to verbally parry his way out of the situation, the beasts would have none of it. One of the boars charged at him.
Luckily, British ambassadors are in shape. Turner was able to climb up a tree before the boar reached him. He sustained minor injuries from his impromptu climb.
It is clear the animals want to cause international incidents to throw us into chaos. We must be vigilant.
The opioid epidemic that is gutting communities throughout the U.S. doesn’t stop at the border. Canada is dealing with the crisis, too. There’s nothing funny about a crippling addition to opioids — well, maybe the constipation.
In any case, there’s a rare bit of light coming from, Vancouver, where authorities have found a bird’s nest made out of used syringes. The discovery was made in an unoccupied room of a seedy hotel in Vancouver’s opioid hotspot. A sink with dozens of syringes in it is home to three pigeon eggs.
There are a lot of differences between humans and other mammals. For example, we’re smarter, we have souls, and we don’t create memes anthropomorphizing humans. But apparently we all take the same amount of time to poop.
According to researchers, pretty much all mammals take 12 seconds or so to empty their bowels. It doesn’t even really matter what size of an animal you’re comparing. A mouse might take 12 seconds to get its relatively small amount of feces out, and a whale would take just as long because it is able to expel higher volume of waste at a faster rate. Maybe we’re not so different after all.
And to the women thinking, “Then why does my husband spend an hour in the bathroom?” It’s because he’s trying to avoid a woman in life so controlling that she times how long he’s on the can.
If we haven’t made it clear by now, you should avoid Wal-Mart at all costs, and not because they gut your town’s economy. Those places, their parking lots, specifically, are targetsforanimalattacks.
In Arkansas, police responded to a report of 40 snakes in the parking lot, creating a panic. Many Wal-Mart-goers were concerned that the snakes where poisonous, but fortunately, this turned out not to be true.
Police believe that the snakes were put there by some evil person, but that’s lazy police work. It is entirely conceivable that these snakes showed up in the Wal-Mart parking lot on their own specifically to wreak havoc on the local populace. These non-poisonous snakes wanted to live one day like they were as dangerous at the ones that have venom.
If that wasn’t enough, a new race of superslugs is invading Britain, albeit very slowly. Researchers say that an invasive species of slug, which is from Spain, is breeding with a native species and creating a hybrid. The Spanish slug is larger than the British slug, and likes to eat stuff like dead mice and its fellow slugs, and it’s an attractive meal for native predators. The hybrid species has these tendencies, but with the native species’ tolerance for frost. It is a race of superslug that is poised to take over the country.
The weather is warming up again, which means that animals are renewing their assault on Wal-Marts across the country. Yeah,rememberthat?
In Wisconsin, an 88-year-old Wal-Mart greeter has lost his job all because of a wild turkey, and not the drinking kind. According to reports, Bob Tallinger has been a greeter for eight years, and he just watched as a turkey sauntered through the door of his Wal-Mart. He probably even said hello, because that’s his job. But management didn’t like how he didn’t try to shoo the turkey out, or notify someone to get it out of the store. So the bigwigs let him go.
Now this elderly man is out of a job, probably forced to spend time with the woman he’s been married to for 50 years. And it’s all because of a stupid turkey.
The main problem with animals is that we can’t control them. You can say you have your dog trained, but when the food supply runs out, who’s really the master? Cats do whatever they want, and every other animal you come into contact with does whatever it feels like doing at that time. Thanks to science, soon we will have remote-controlled turtles.
Researchers in South Korea are working on creating cyborg turtles. If everything goes according to plan, you could one day control the movements of a turtle using only your mind. These folks want to put a system onto a turtle’s shell that would send it signals on which way to navigate. The human controlling it would wear a headset that would read brainwaves, and send commands to the turtle-mounted system over wifi.
So basically, it’s Dino Riders, but in real life. The future is going to be awesome.
The internet has been a place where people can come together to laugh and promote awful ideas for a fair amount of its existence. Long before Boaty McBoatface or pretty much every online poll to name anything ever, there was 2006’s Snakes on a Plane.
The film marked Samuel L. Jackson’s full transformation into a living meme, and is probably why we ended up with those Sharknado movies. The problem is that the movie shone a spotlight on a huge security risk for all the animals to see. That’s why a decade later we’re still seeing stories about snakes on planes. This time a passenger left his snake on a local Alaska airline, and it was found during the following flight.
Luckily for passengers, the snake wasn’t venomous, and flight attendants caught it and locked it in a storage bin until the plane was safely on the ground.
Since we’re here, let’s take a trip back to 2006 with a demonstrational video on how to smuggle snakes onto a plane.