Drunk opossum leaves rehab

It is shocking to this blog how animals can clearly violate the law and yet escape prosecution every time. It’s especially surprising that this happens in crimes involving alcohol.

A Florida liquor store employee found a drunk female opossum next to a broken bottle of bourbon, and had the police bring it to a wildlife refuge for rehab. The opossum apparently knocked over and broke the bottle of whiskey, and probably drank every last drop, because the bottle was empty.

The creature was no doubt slurring her speech and no doubt displaying other signs of intoxication, so she was pumped full of fluids to sober her up. And after a couple weeks of sobriety and intense monitoring, she was released into the wild again.

And yet, there were no charges for breaking and entering, destruction of property, theft, underage drinking, etc. The opossum probably didn’t even have to pay for its rehab stint. That fell on the American taxpayer. Leave it to a liberal nanny state like Florida to coddle its wild animals.

Scientists bent on creating super spiders

Spiders, despite having one time created a superhero, are awful. They are creepy, they spin nasty webs, and they’re probably plotting against us. But what if scientists gave them the ability to spin super-strong webs?

A team of researchers in the Italy and the U.K. have figured out a way to make spiders poop out webs that are so strong they can support a person’s weight. How do they do it? By feeding the spiders a graphene solution. The plan is to use the enhanced spider silk to make stronger parachutes or cables.

But we all know that it’s only a matter of time before the creatures figure out what they need to eat to create this webbing, and then they’ll start catching us all.

Bear arms: Siberian bear steals guns

To own a gun means you have a lot of responsibility. Chief among those is keeping your weapon secured when you are not using it, so it won’t get stolen by a bear.

In Siberia, locals are likely on edge after it was reported that a bear broke into a man’s cabin and stole two guns. The man said he went to a nearby river to get water, and when he returned, he hid when he saw a brown bear was tearing apart his place. The bear eventually left with a bag that contained a hunting rifle and an assault rifle.

The only good news is that the bear is probably going to hibernate soon. It will be much easier to disarm then.

Science: Rodent relationships end if they don’t drink the same

A couple is happy until one starts drinking too much, and before long, the relationship is over. It’s a well-known tale — at least in prairie vole circles.

According to a new study, prairie voles (picture morbidly obese field mice) don’t end up staying together if they don’t drink about the same amount of alcohol. Voles have life-long monogamous relationships, but alcohol can get in the way. The more alcohol a male vole drinks, the more likely he is to go find another female to mate with, while the more of a lush the female vole, the more likely she is to stay with her original mate.

Researchers determined this by monitoring voles’ alcohol intake, and listening to them drunkenly ramble on about how their wives just don’t understand them.

Coconut crab kills a bird, are we next?

Add to the list of ways humanity can end, “coconut crabs.” These massive crabs are confined to remote islands in the Pacific and Indian Oceans, but if they ever escape it’s the end of us. Don’t believe us? They can kill birds.

A biologist recently took a video of one of these dog-sized crab sneaking upon and killing a red-footed booby in the dead of night. The bird was sleeping in a tree, and the crab crawled up, broke the bird’s wing with one of its massive claws, then pounced upon the helpless creature. Before long, five other crabs came to take a piece of the carcass.

There’s no question that mankind is threatened by this crab’s existence. If it can kill a bird, it can kill a man. But the question remains, do they taste good?

Sheep will put paparazzi out of business

The sheep are watching you, and they probably know who you are, according to science. But it gets worse, they know who our celebrities are.

Researchers at Cambridge University have found that sheep are able to recognize the faces of famous people. They trained eight sheep to recognize the faced of former President Barack Obama, actor Jake Gyllenhaal, actress Emma Watson, and some British journalist you’ve never heard of. They then held up pictures of two faces, and wouldn’t you know, the sheep were able to correctly identify which one was the celebrity.

This means they have facial recognition abilities similar to our own. And they never seem to blink.

Octopi learn to walk on land; nice knowing you all

Not to end the weekend on a downer, but it looks like humanity is done for. Octopi have learned how to walk, and will probably overthrow us within a decade.

In Wales, about 20 octopi were recorded making their way along a beach. In case why that’s alarming isn’t clear to you, a beach is not the water, it is the sand near the water. These sea monsters are able to get around on land. Wildlife experts have never seen octopuses do this before, and they have no idea why they were doing it in the first place. The best guess they have is that the water was crowded so some of them wanted to have a little room.

These things are crowding up the oceans. There’s an army of these guys, and they’ve decided they want our land. This could be it, people.

Bobcat tries to finish off small-town newspaper

There is an assault on the news media. It presents an existential threat to the independent press, a keystone of our great democracy. The threat, of course, is bobcats.

In a town outside of Tulsa, Oklahoma, a male bobcat attempted to do what online media has been trying to do for a decade: kill off print journalism. Sapulpa Herald publisher Darren Sumner said he opened the door to the restroom at his office when he saw a male bobcat, which leapt at him. Sumner promptly trapped the bobcat by closing the restroom door, and probably took care of whatever business he was heading there for in the first place.

Authorities captured the wild animal and released it without questioning. It is already being considered for a position in the Trump White House.

Beavers knock out power in Canada

Every now and then we hear about a small animal, usually a squirrel, getting into someplace it shouldn’t be and knocking out the power to an area. The animal terrorists have stepped up their efforts, and now Canada is in a state of panic.

Last weekend, citizens of Prince Albert, Saskatchewan lost power when a group of beavers chewed through a wooden power pole. Luckily, power was restored after an hour, because Canadian power companies are prepared for Canadian power interruptions. This is the first beaver-led coordinated attack on infrastructure that this blog is aware of.

In truth, we just wanted to see if we could write a post about a beaver in Prince Albert without snickering. We failed horribly.

Researchers give fish marijuana, because why not?

Fish always look like they’re stressed out. They’re constantly moving. They never blink. And they seem to be perpetually in a panic. Naturally, some fish scientists wondered if they could mellow out some fish — by giving them marijuana.

Researchers recently dosed some tilapia with weed to see if it could help lower their stress levels. Farmed fish in overcrowded tanks tend to get more aggressive, which can kill fish, and that’s bad for the bottom line. So they gave the fish some THC-laden edibles. They didn’t seem to do any better than the fish that were fed regular food.

Perhaps the fish are really good at hiding that they’re high. It makes sense, since they basically live in Visine.