In Soviet Russia, dolphins kill you

We don’t want to alarm anyone, but some military-trained dolphins have gone AWOL. No, really. Let’s back up a bit.

The Soviets had a secret dolphin military training program back in the day, going back as far as 1973. They were used to detect things like mines usually, but they were also capable of attacking enemy divers and putting explosives on the sides of enemy ships. After the USSR fell, the evil dolphin unit was basically given to the Ukrainian navy, which began teaching them civilian things like working with children, which is exactly what you want a trained killer to do. But recently, they went back to their old training, complete with special knives and guns on their heads.

And now it looks like those dolphins spotted some females and went off to get them some. Yes, there are military-trained killer dolphins that are now swimming free. Thanks, commies.


Bug spray won’t cut it in Florida this year

If you live in Florida, you may want to consider moving before the summer comes. We’re sure it’s a very nice place and all that, but it’s about to get flat-out terrifying.

It’s no secret that Florida is one big swamp, and that mosquitoes love swamps, so naturally, the bugs are all over the state. But now, according to this headline, scientists are expecting a “Large, aggressive mosquito.” It’s likely going to be from the Psorophora ciliata species, which sounds like something you shouldn’t google at work.

The article is short on details, and we don’t want to speculate, but it probably means that the state will be terrorized by a single mutant mosquito, roughly the size of a house, and the demeanor of grizzly bear.

Of course, if you want to hunt this mega-mosquito, we’ll write songs about you when you bring us its head.

Next time, Mr. Bond

The U.K. is slowly calming down after a scare that it was being invaded by crocs.

Last week, a retiree was out riding his bike along the River Thames, better known as that river that flows through London, when he saw a crocodile in the river. This set off a wave of panic throughout the country, as citizens rightfully wondered if the animals were going after the royal family. But, as it turns out, it was just a fake gator used in Live and Let Die, you know, the James Bond movie that takes place in Louisiana.

The prop, which was used in the scene where Roger Moore runs across the backs of gators, was stored on an island by a man who worked on several Bond films, and likely washed away during recent flooding.

Had the Thames gator, or croc, or whatever, been the real deal, we’re sure that Bond would have handled it.

Hasn’t hockey suffered enough?

Hockey has had a rough year, thanks to the NHL lockout, but it’s proved a boost for the minor league teams, and unfortunately, the animals know this. That’s why they chose to cause mayhem at a recent Bakersfield Condors game in California.

At some point, a real condor convinced its handler that it would be a good idea to bring it out on the ice during the national anthem. The condor escaped from its handler, of course, who eventually caught it. Then, when the handler slipped and fell on the ice the condor escaped again. It calmly walked over to the home team’s bench and hopped over the boards, harassing the Bakersfield Condors.

Eventually, the condor walked itself back to the locker room, confident it had instilled fear in everyone in the arena.

Some pets like to be left alone

While most animals have shorter lifespans than we humans, some species can last much longer than us, and that is simply terrifying. A family in Brazil reminds us of how serious this is.

In 1982, the Almeida family misplaced their pet tortoise. As these things are known for being fast and crafty, they feared that Manuela the tortoise escaped from their house when a contractor left the front door open. This week, the family was clearing out a room used for storage when they found Manuela sitting in a box with an old record player. Apparently she’d spent the past 30 years really getting into Led Zeppelin.

Rabbits have a taste for fuel lines

In Colorado, it may be winter, but the animals keep up their assaults.

Travelers parking at Denver International Airport may want to think about taking a cab instead. The place is reportedly infested with rabbits, even though it’s cold outside, and these varmints are chewing the brake lines and other wiring in cars. It goes without saying that at the very least, this does thousands of dollars worth of damage. At worst, it can end up killing someone.

Sounds like it’s time to lengthen rabbit season — and duck season, while we’re at it.

The animals aren’t taking the winter off

Animal apologists will tell you that male deer, or bucks, do some crazy things when it’s mating season. Then they wink and give you the “Am I right?” look. They trot this out every time a deer breaks into a building and harasses its occupants. But when this happens at a school, it’s not funny anymore.

Just outside Cincinnati, a teacher and three students were inside a classroom at Kings Junior High School, when suddenly a buck crashed through the window, nearly hitting the teacher. The quick-thinking occupants made it out of the room and closed the door behind them. That’s when they called on the history teacher, who just so happens to be a deer farmer (we need to farm these things?) and has a tranquilizer gun.

Folks, this is exactly why every teacher needs to be armed with a tranq gun at all times.

Flipping the bird

The War on Animals is a truly a world war, as China is quickly finding out.

At a zoo in the country that’s not huge on human or animal rights (we do not support the War on Humans), the animal resistance lives on. A myna bird has been locked away at the Jiufeng Forest Zoo because instead of greeting visitors, as it has been trained to do, it has started shouting expletives at people. Yep, as Chinese families are walking into the zoo for a day full of wonderful memories, one bird has been chirping, “F&$% you!”

More bad news: Apparently birds can speak Chinese, which has to be way harder than English.

Deer have no morals

It’s deer season, and out in Oklahoma, a hunter got a reminder of just why we kill these things every fall–aside from keeping their numbers from getting out of control.

Rodney Mueggenborg shot and killed a deer recently, only to find out that it was a doe with antlers. For those of you who don’t remember the Do-Re-Mi song, a doe is a female deer, and only male deer grow antlers … usually. This cross-dressing deer was all woman, but some believe it had a chemical imbalance that caused the antlers.

We’ll never know, it was made into deer sausage.

Crows, and lots of them

The police may not have many friends in certain circles, but in Everett, Washington, it’s even worse.

There, the local cops have to deal with all the troubles that are sure to arise in a quiet Pacific Northwestern town, like cats in trees, coffee burns and directing traffic when it gets foggy, but on top of that, they have the animals to deal with. A group of crows is continually attacking police officers as they walk from their cruisers to the officers, swooping down on them, with no respect for the badge.

One officer tried to scare off the birds with his siren, only to have the crows crap all over his cruiser. Hey guys, you do have your service pistols on you, right?