Some pets like to be left alone

While most animals have shorter lifespans than we humans, some species can last much longer than us, and that is simply terrifying. A family in Brazil reminds us of how serious this is.

In 1982, the Almeida family misplaced their pet tortoise. As these things are known for being fast and crafty, they feared that Manuela the tortoise escaped from their house when a contractor left the front door open. This week, the family was clearing out a room used for storage when they found Manuela sitting in a box with an old record player. Apparently she’d spent the past 30 years really getting into Led Zeppelin.

Rabbits have a taste for fuel lines

In Colorado, it may be winter, but the animals keep up their assaults.

Travelers parking at Denver International Airport may want to think about taking a cab instead. The place is reportedly infested with rabbits, even though it’s cold outside, and these varmints are chewing the brake lines and other wiring in cars. It goes without saying that at the very least, this does thousands of dollars worth of damage. At worst, it can end up killing someone.

Sounds like it’s time to lengthen rabbit season — and duck season, while we’re at it.

The animals aren’t taking the winter off

Animal apologists will tell you that male deer, or bucks, do some crazy things when it’s mating season. Then they wink and give you the “Am I right?” look. They trot this out every time a deer breaks into a building and harasses its occupants. But when this happens at a school, it’s not funny anymore.

Just outside Cincinnati, a teacher and three students were inside a classroom at Kings Junior High School, when suddenly a buck crashed through the window, nearly hitting the teacher. The quick-thinking occupants made it out of the room and closed the door behind them. That’s when they called on the history teacher, who just so happens to be a deer farmer (we need to farm these things?) and has a tranquilizer gun.

Folks, this is exactly why every teacher needs to be armed with a tranq gun at all times.

Flipping the bird

The War on Animals is a truly a world war, as China is quickly finding out.

At a zoo in the country that’s not huge on human or animal rights (we do not support the War on Humans), the animal resistance lives on. A myna bird has been locked away at the Jiufeng Forest Zoo because instead of greeting visitors, as it has been trained to do, it has started shouting expletives at people. Yep, as Chinese families are walking into the zoo for a day full of wonderful memories, one bird has been chirping, “F&$% you!”

More bad news: Apparently birds can speak Chinese, which has to be way harder than English.

Deer have no morals

It’s deer season, and out in Oklahoma, a hunter got a reminder of just why we kill these things every fall–aside from keeping their numbers from getting out of control.

Rodney Mueggenborg shot and killed a deer recently, only to find out that it was a doe with antlers. For those of you who don’t remember the Do-Re-Mi song, a doe is a female deer, and only male deer grow antlers … usually. This cross-dressing deer was all woman, but some believe it had a chemical imbalance that caused the antlers.

We’ll never know, it was made into deer sausage.

Crows, and lots of them

The police may not have many friends in certain circles, but in Everett, Washington, it’s even worse.

There, the local cops have to deal with all the troubles that are sure to arise in a quiet Pacific Northwestern town, like cats in trees, coffee burns and directing traffic when it gets foggy, but on top of that, they have the animals to deal with. A group of crows is continually attacking police officers as they walk from their cruisers to the officers, swooping down on them, with no respect for the badge.

One officer tried to scare off the birds with his siren, only to have the crows crap all over his cruiser. Hey guys, you do have your service pistols on you, right?

Warrior of the Week: Mark Zuckerberg

Like everyone else in the world, we’re a bit paranoid about what Facebook does with all of our information, but we just can’t help uploading our wild pictures from the party the other night. However, Mark Zuckerberg has gained a lot of street cred in our books, recently.

The founder of Facebook is now only eating what he kills. No, really, if he’s going to eat a salami sandwich, he hunts down a wild salami and kills it, before slaughtering it and serving it up. This also means he is personally executing all sorts of animals before he eats them, including a confirmed pig and goat.

Sea-to-air attacks

It’s no secret that boating is one of the most deadly pass times around–right up there with HALO skydiving and competitive garbage-disposal clearing–but now that spring is here, we have ourselves some big reminders.

Off the coast of Florida, wife and mother of three was out with her family on a charter boat off watching eagle rays (known for their piercing scream and their sharp talons) jump out of the water, when a big one, up to 300 lbs. estimated, jumped out of the water and tackled her to the deck. Luckily, the woman was not seriously injured, however, the eagle ray escaped to kamikaze another day.

Meanwhile, near Texas, a mako shark, which, you know, have teeth and stuff, jumped into a fishing boat in what ended up a bad career move for the beast. The shark was killed and will be stuffed.

Why are these attacks happening now? Well, though it doesn’t feel like it for much of the U.S., it’s spring, and the animals know it’s time to step up their attacks on humans. Keep your guard up.

Disappointment between the sheets

In hotel rooms and their own homes, many Americans are not sleeping alone, even if they think they are. We have heard a lot about the onslaught of that bed bugs are inflicting on these United States, particularly in urban areas, but what we didn’t know is that they’re out for more than just our blood.

As it turns out, they are ruining our relationships, according to a video. Couples are breaking up because of bed bug infestations. Their plan is not merely to make us all sad and lonely, but it’s more sinister. They want us to stop having carnal pleasures, so that we can’t procreate anymore.

Remember, folks, the deed can be done away from your sleeping quarters.

Eight arms, but only one life

Remember Paul the Octopus? He correctly predicted the outcome of all of Germany’s World Cup games this summer. He was beloved by many, and captured the soccer world’s heart for a few weeks. And now he’s dead.

Paul was found dead in his tank (or as they call them in Germany, “panzer”) yesterday. Dying of what appear to be natural causes. Let us not forget that Paul had enemies. He pissed off the Germans–usually a bad move–when he correctly predicted their loss to Spain, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he was a symbol of the evil West’s obsession with superstition, and well, there’s The Guys.

Yeah, we think it was Iran, too.