The sting of the attack

We are in this war to win it. For too long, animals have walked the Earth, posing a threat to humanity and democracy. But just because we have stepped up our operations this summer doesn’t mean the animals have taken the summer off.

One of the worst continued threats we have faced this summer is bees. Sometimes they are forming tornadoes, but this time, in an attack eerily similar to that on our allies to the north, bees were attacking commuters as they were heading to work. Luckily, the attack was in New Jersey, where we can afford to lose ground, but still, we cannot allow the harassment of our kind as they go to work and further the economy.

We need to hit these bastards and hit them hard.

This little piggy got popped

While animal agents may have infiltrated the European legislative and judicial systems, here at home, we still know what side we are on in the War on Animals, and that goes double for the U.S. Army.

In a medical training exercise (also to send a message) to be held in Hawaii, the army is planning to shoot a bunch of pigs, despite protests from the al Qaeda-backed People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. That’s right, for the first time in far too long, the army is going to shoot animals with its M16 rifles and M4 carbines. SWEET.

And since it is being held in Hawaii, a huge pig roast will be held afterward.

Rogue nation: Spain

From our sister blog The Spanish government is clearly out of its head these days. The Spanish Parliament is pondering a resolution that would give apes and gorillas basic legal rights. The resolution is expected to pass next year.

Yes, the rogue nation of Spain might be seeking to give our enemies the right to life, freedom from “arbitrary captivity” and freedom from torture. How are we going to get any information about of them if we can’t torture and imprison them? Not to mention, since when do we afford our enemies the same rights that we give ourselves? The Geneva Convention does not apply to non-humans.

Where is Francisco Franco when you need him?

The story also mentions that species traitor Matthew Hiasl Pan, a chimp from Austria, whom we have covered before that thinks it is human. The chimp’s lawyers have appealed to the European Court of Human Rights. Should the beast win the appeal, it would mean all of Europe would have to recognize basic human chimp rights. Next they would want to vote.

Warrior of the Week: Avis Blakeslee

Little old ladies are often targets for mugging and aggressive home lenders, so it’s natural for an animal to assume along the same lines. As Avis Blakeslee, 77, of Pennsylvania proved, little old ladies can also be tough old broads.

Blakeslee was attacked by a rabid fox near her home and sustained seven wounds on her leg and one on her arm, but those only made her mad. The grandmother grabbed the fox threw it to the ground (we can only assume in piledriver fashion) and pinned it to the ground while flagging a nearby motorist for help.

The motorist got the attention of Blakeslee’s son, who gave the fox its swift justice. Blakeslee spent four days recovering in the hospital before being sent home, presumably by ticker tape parade.

“I had never seen a fox,” she said. “I’ve seen a dead one once.”

Make that two dead foxes, granny. Which makes a fox’s survival rate in your presense a big ol’ goose egg.

What is the pope thinking?

Apparently, Pope Benedict XVI has left Washington, because he was spotted in Australia for a massive Roman Catholic festival called “World Youth Day.” However, it is not the fact that anyone celebrates kids that is shocking, it is the pope’s actions, which had little to do with the youth of the world.

Hold on to your butts: Pope Benedict met with a koala. Not much is known about what the pope and the beast talked about, perhaps the Holy Father is trying to enter peace talks circumventing the traditional authorities, or perhaps he was trying to broker a cease fire. Nevertheless, the pope’s actions are bordering on treason in the War on Animals. This is just the latest attempt of Big Religion to get involved in the ongoing strife.

Fun fact: The pope sends texts messages like a middle school girl, albeit a very devout one.

Pilgrims also received a second mobile phone text message from Benedict: “The Holy Spirit gave the Apostles and gives u the power boldly 2 proclaim that Christ is risen! – BXVI.”

Pets continue to mooch

We all know pets require a lot of time, care, attention, maintenance and in some cases, poop scooping. But the times are changing, and so are pets’ needs. One sign of this is that dogs now require cell phones, but you get stuck with the bill when they cannot pay it (they don’t have jobs, of course).

A collection agency sent Andy Fanelli, a fluffy white dog of some sort in California, a bill for $142.34 for Verizon Online. The lazy dog apparently has had a cell phone somewhere and is sticking it to is owners. This is why you can’t get attached to pets, because you may one day have to put them down.

(Via Consumerist)

D.C. has dirty, dirty airports

A plane leaving from Washington, D.C. had more passengers than expected. While the story fails to mention from which of the three airports in the Greater Washington area took off from, we do know one thing: the region is dirty and so are its people.

That being said, it is not entirely humans’ fault on this one, several ticks stowed away on the plane, undoubtedly seeing a chance to attack passengers and crew members, possibly with hopes of taking over the plane until their demands were met.

Ladies and gentlemen, this country does not negotiate with terrorists, regardless of cause, background or species. We must all stand strong together to fight this evil. United, we can defeat TICKS ON A PLANE! (Yes, we are still making those jokes.)

In other news, you’re going to need a bigger boat.

Next they’ll learn to juggle

The War on Animals does not give us the advantage of numbers, however, it does give us the advantage of smarts. It is important that we keep that advantage, lest we concede the high ground (but not the moral high ground) to the enemy.

That’s why we need to burn down European sea research “centres.” They are giving Rubik’s cubes to octopi allegedly to see if they have a preferred arm, you know, right, right right, right right right, right right right right, left, left left, left left left or left left left left. If these things start figuring out Rubik’s cubes, that makes them smarter than most people, which is a hazard we cannot afford.

An unholy marriage

People in the Mid-West are a little strange. There’s not much to do, and quite often it is colder that survivable for most human beings. But in North Dakota, it only makes them more colorful, if not traitorous.

Though North Dakota is known for an abomination or two, this one has a tinge we don’t much like. A moose named Ana, the namesake of the town of Anamoose, North Dakota, has married another moose. What makes it worse is that the ceremony was performed by humans!

The only thing keeping us from declaring a blog jihad (or “jiblog) against that whole state is the fact that the people involved seemed to be a bit sarcastic when they married the moose (mooses?). They have been declared “miserable mates.”

Yeah, see you in hell, Ana!

Where the honey flows

We spoke of a jail break in Amsterdam yesterday. It seems we have a The Fugitive-esque situation in Canada. A truck transporting 12 million bees overturned on a highway in New Brunswick, allowing the inmates to escape–and they were probably not in a very good mood.

Local law enforcement, according to the headline “captured” most of the bees before they could get very far. Sadly, police could not stop the madness before there were victims.

“In an unfortunate incident a journalist who was trying to get some bee noises on her microphone suffered a dozen or more stings. All in the name of journalism I guess, but it’s best to stay away from that area. Twelve million bees can do a lot of damage.”

Edward R. Murrow would be proud of this war reporting.