The last place we’d look

… Or so that chicken thought!

That’s right: an elusive character in the War on Animals, a chicken, tried to hide out in a McDonald’s. She allegedly chose the fast food franchise as their hideout since they don’t really serve chicken in their nuggets, sandwiches or Fried Chicken McSundaes. However, she wore out her protectors’ patience by interfering in drive-“thru” transactions.

In response to their pleas for help, we’ve nabbed her. She will be held indefinitely¬†until the Colonel conducts her military tribunal.

For those of you playing along at home, we’ve¬†eliminated the Four of Clubs in the War on Animals’ Speak and Spell No Evil Deck of Most Wanted Enemy Combatants (or WoASSNEDMWEC). This card is now a wild card in any deck and, when played, grants the player to pass out 200 drinks to the other players.

The war to end all boars

This blog is still none too trusting of Germany. Sure, things may be better since the trial separation, but there is still plenty of time for its aggressive tendencies to make a comeback. That said, the War on Animals seems to be taking a dangerous turn: the enemy is helping local law enforcement.

German police were chasing a suspected car thief through a forest. They really were not sure if they could get to him in the darkness. Yet they ended up catching up to him quite easily. Why? Because the thief was stopped by wild boars.

Yes, the animals are now working with law enforcement officials, which is probably the cleverest move they have made yet. First, they are helping round up humans by humans, and secondly, they are gaining the trust of those in charge, perhaps earning some contacts or double agents.

The laws are strange south of the border

More from, while the Mexican Navy (who knew they had one?) is helping us fight the good fight, not all of Mexico is behind la guerra a los animales.

“Blacky” the burro has been released from jail serving just three days of its sentence, after being tried and convicted of assault in battery (on humans) and found guilty in a court of law. This blog is outraged at this miscarriage of justice. This sets a terrible example for animals, and suggests that they are above the law because they aren’t humans.

We say, if they are not humans, they can certainly be tried as enemy combatants.

Life in a fish bowl

Folks, if there is one clear threat to humanity, it’s goldfish. We are not talking about the delicious cracker-like snack that poses the ever-present danger of choking to death. No, we are talking about the actual fish. Shockingly enough, these things are still legally sold in pet stores for just a ten cents.

To make matters worse, it is getting to the point where we cannot even use them for artistic expression anymore. According to DCist, around 100 goldfish were used in an art exhibit in Washington, DC. The city later shut down the exhibit, probably because the fish are a recognized threat to the many important people who live and work in the greater Washington area.

However, some species traitor realized that when the place was closed down, those “poor, defenseless” goldfish were still trapped inside with no one to feed them their tricolored flakes. The human-hater called the Humane Society (think the animal version of the mafia), which swooped in to save 20 of the monsters. We salute any artist expression that kills animals and challenge all those who stand in the way or winning the war. Humane Society–watch your back.

Help fight the war by eating junk food

We all know the tastiest food comes from animals, in general, the cutest ones. But now, eating stuff that probably doesn’t have animal parts in it, stuff like cookies, can help rid the world of our animal foes.

You see, many junk foods and other useful products like hair conditioner use palm oil. There is such a demand for palm oil that entire sections of rain forests in Indonesia and Malaysia are being cleared out for palm oil plantations.

“Big deal,” you say. “How does this help me defeat the beasts?” Well, the rain forests they burn not only help fight the War on the Ozone Layer, but it destroys the habitat of many different animals, including the last wild habitat of the orangutan. Yes, wash your hair and eat some Girl Scout cookies and you can give an ape the fate it deserves: a long, slow death by starvation caused by lack of habitat and fear of dudes running around with machetes.

U.S. Government to spies: ‘Bug ya later, BFF.’

First things first: happy birthday, DARPA! You’re 50 now, which means soon you’ll be the cranky and incontinent organizational hand of the government yet. Yes, you’ve led quite a life, haven’t you? We won’t go over it, what with you being old and liable to die soon, so, just what have you been up to lately?

Why, it seems you’ve been attempting to make people cry havoc and let loose the … bugs of war? What’s that you say? You want to help in this valiant war against animals by stuffing a bunch of computer chips and whatnot into the body of larvae, thus creating a half machine, half bug servant? Well, I can dig that. But, won’t that create the fuel for a bio-mechanical war if the technology gets proliferated by another country (Brazil, I’m looking at you)? What? You say that ants have been doing that sort of thing already for eons on end? So, essentially, you’re turning those six-legged monsters into servants that can actually be useful? I see! Oh DARPA, you’re still crafty after all this time! Don’t ever believe anything that the Department of Agriculture says about you!

The War on Greenpeace

When it comes to the War on Animals, some countries just get it. Japan by no uncertain terms is one of those countries. Species traitor organizations like Greenpeace have complained the country is not honoring an international whaling ban treaty. Japan, hiding a harpoon behind its back, says it has no idea what the hippies are talking about.

Recently, a fleet of whaling ships set out to antarctic waters to hunt down the enemy where it lives (at least part of the year, whales are a migratory species, after all). The good news: they got over 500 of the bastards. The bad news: they were aiming to get closer to 850. The ships were harassed by Greenpeace and other organizations, which prevented a total victory.

We need to hit Greenpeace and hit them hard. We’re not really sure where this terrorist organization is headquartered, or who its leader is, but we will find them and chase them down, preferably with harpoons.

They are helping each other!

This blog talks about it, surmises it and even reads between the headlines to find it. But there is no denying it this time. The animals are working together.

In New Zealand, two pygmy sperm whales (you can tell they are pygmies by their short stature and nose rings) lay beached on … well, a beach earlier today. Then a bottlenose dolphin came up and showed the disoriented whales the way back to sea. There is no denying they are on the same side and are trying to save each other for some massive attack that is coming very soon.

It should also be noted that there were human traitors trying to rescue the whales.

“‘They kept getting disorientated and stranding again,’ said Smith, who was among the rescuers. ‘They obviously couldn’t find their way back past (the sandbar) to the sea.'”

Yeah, well that’s when you let beaching whales lie. If they are too stupid to find water, something which they call their home their entire lives, then it’s time they become seagull food.

The great fish robbery

You may have heard about the latest commodity to start getting stolen: copper. Yes, the copper market has skyrocketed as the metal has gotten more and more precious due to the rapid growth in China.

Hey hey hey! Come back! This isn’t about the copper market!

But it seems there is a new market with a product being worth more and more. When this happens, the product comes under danger for being stolen. That product is lobster. Over 200 lbs of live lobster were stolen in Florida, probably to be sold to another seafood restaurant.

However, this blog hopes they were not stolen by a so-called animal activist group. Those lobsters are dangerous and need to be exterminated, if they are eaten in the process, that just makes it even better.

The bees are still dedicated to their cause

Bees are among the most obviously dangerous enemies the common man can have. But as we have been reporting for the past year, bees have been mysteriously disappearing. For some reason, scientists wanted to find out why and they seem to think there is a bee parasite driving them away.

But now, after all this time, it seems there has been a more sinister reason for the bees’ disappearance. They have been offing themselves to keep from producing honey we depend on for so many foods, not to mention the pollination of fruits and vegetables. Haagen-Daz recently announced that their flavors could be taking a hit because of this crisis.

We finally know the horrible reason bees have been declining: they want to hurt us by taking away our ice cream.