IM IN YOUR TOILET, KILLING ALL YOUR POOPS

Jaws was a landmark movie because it established a new precedent — just when you think you’re safe, you’re not. Beaches ran empty for weeks on end, simply because of a movie. A movie where even the director said the shark looked too fake to be believable. Welcome to the power of paranoia.

Australians, prepare to cower in fear as you’re now in a similar situation. A six foot long blackheaded python was found in a man’s toilet.

It’s safe to say two things:

  1. It’s pretty obvious exactly why the python was blackheaded.
  2. While we may not be able to communicate with animals (yet), I don’t think it’s unwise to say that just like aglets (those plastic things on the ends of shoelaces), its purpose was sinister.

Think about it: in this time of people being on the move, nowhere are we more open to disaster than when we sit on the can. Who knows what horrors could be wrought upon us while we ponder our deepest thoughts? The animals know, and they won’t hesitate to unleash them. Don’t let this happen to you all. Do what I do and carry a more than ample supply of brown paper lunch bags with you wherever you go.

You now have permission to freak out.

Unconvential weapons finally in use

The War on Animals is a total war, which means no one is safe. If you are an animal, regardless of how cute you are, we will hit you right in your breeding grounds. It also means we will use chemical warfare on you, because the Geneva Conventions do not apply to animals.

That’s why we’re hitting those we can’t really reach with chemicals like fire retardants. Yes, we are now attacking deep sea squid and octopi with chemical runoff from our shores. There is no telling yet what kind of effect our efforts will have on them and the rest of the cowards trying to hide from the war deep beneath the waves. We will fight them wherever we have to until the last one is dead.

Let’s just hope the chemicals don’t make these things colossal or super-intelligent.

The loveliest of all was the …

There is a lot of scary news out there today, and the positive spin is coming from that liberal bastion of print media, USA Today.

First off, a unicorn has been found in Italy. OK, well not a real unicorn, because it’s a deer. However, it does indeed have a horn in the middle of its head. No picture is available, but an artist’s rendering makes it look nothing short of frightening.

Remember, the unicorn was smote by God himself for being too damn stubborn to get on a boat with all the other animals when the floods came. The existence of a unicorn today is blasphemous and clear sign that the animals are not only at war with us, but God, too.

Scientists in Indonesia have found macaque monkeys that have learned how to fish. Folks, this is way too human-like. Pretty soon, people are going to start saying we might be somehow related to these creatures. Though it was discovered these monkeys learned how to fish, what was more shocking was that they were also wearing sleeveless shirts and drinking Budweiser.

Indiana Jones and the War on Animals

What a surprise! Hollywood stars are coming together in Washington, D.C. to protest a war. Once again, the liberal elite are trying to make us lose a war, but this time Harrison Ford, Bo Derek and Robert Duvall made an appearance to save the tigers, as if they need saving.

No one really cares about what Bo Derek thinks, and Robert Duvall played Robert E. Lee, so we shouldn’t be shocked when he rises against his government, but Indy?! Why, Indy? WHYYYYY?!

This is believed to be the biggest celebrity coup in the War on Animals since the military tribunal and subsequent execution of Captain Kangaroo.

The last place we’d look

… Or so that chicken thought!

That’s right: an elusive character in the War on Animals, a chicken, tried to hide out in a McDonald’s. She allegedly chose the fast food franchise as their hideout since they don’t really serve chicken in their nuggets, sandwiches or Fried Chicken McSundaes. However, she wore out her protectors’ patience by interfering in drive-“thru” transactions.

In response to their pleas for help, we’ve nabbed her. She will be held indefinitely¬†until the Colonel conducts her military tribunal.

For those of you playing along at home, we’ve¬†eliminated the Four of Clubs in the War on Animals’ Speak and Spell No Evil Deck of Most Wanted Enemy Combatants (or WoASSNEDMWEC). This card is now a wild card in any deck and, when played, grants the player to pass out 200 drinks to the other players.

The war to end all boars

This blog is still none too trusting of Germany. Sure, things may be better since the trial separation, but there is still plenty of time for its aggressive tendencies to make a comeback. That said, the War on Animals seems to be taking a dangerous turn: the enemy is helping local law enforcement.

German police were chasing a suspected car thief through a forest. They really were not sure if they could get to him in the darkness. Yet they ended up catching up to him quite easily. Why? Because the thief was stopped by wild boars.

Yes, the animals are now working with law enforcement officials, which is probably the cleverest move they have made yet. First, they are helping round up humans by humans, and secondly, they are gaining the trust of those in charge, perhaps earning some contacts or double agents.

The laws are strange south of the border

More from HombresSeriamentes.com, while the Mexican Navy (who knew they had one?) is helping us fight the good fight, not all of Mexico is behind la guerra a los animales.

“Blacky” the burro has been released from jail serving just three days of its sentence, after being tried and convicted of assault in battery (on humans) and found guilty in a court of law. This blog is outraged at this miscarriage of justice. This sets a terrible example for animals, and suggests that they are above the law because they aren’t humans.

We say, if they are not humans, they can certainly be tried as enemy combatants.

Life in a fish bowl

Folks, if there is one clear threat to humanity, it’s goldfish. We are not talking about the delicious cracker-like snack that poses the ever-present danger of choking to death. No, we are talking about the actual fish. Shockingly enough, these things are still legally sold in pet stores for just a ten cents.

To make matters worse, it is getting to the point where we cannot even use them for artistic expression anymore. According to DCist, around 100 goldfish were used in an art exhibit in Washington, DC. The city later shut down the exhibit, probably because the fish are a recognized threat to the many important people who live and work in the greater Washington area.

However, some species traitor realized that when the place was closed down, those “poor, defenseless” goldfish were still trapped inside with no one to feed them their tricolored flakes. The human-hater called the Humane Society (think the animal version of the mafia), which swooped in to save 20 of the monsters. We salute any artist expression that kills animals and challenge all those who stand in the way or winning the war. Humane Society–watch your back.

Help fight the war by eating junk food

We all know the tastiest food comes from animals, in general, the cutest ones. But now, eating stuff that probably doesn’t have animal parts in it, stuff like cookies, can help rid the world of our animal foes.

You see, many junk foods and other useful products like hair conditioner use palm oil. There is such a demand for palm oil that entire sections of rain forests in Indonesia and Malaysia are being cleared out for palm oil plantations.

“Big deal,” you say. “How does this help me defeat the beasts?” Well, the rain forests they burn not only help fight the War on the Ozone Layer, but it destroys the habitat of many different animals, including the last wild habitat of the orangutan. Yes, wash your hair and eat some Girl Scout cookies and you can give an ape the fate it deserves: a long, slow death by starvation caused by lack of habitat and fear of dudes running around with machetes.

U.S. Government to spies: ‘Bug ya later, BFF.’

First things first: happy birthday, DARPA! You’re 50 now, which means soon you’ll be the cranky and incontinent organizational hand of the government yet. Yes, you’ve led quite a life, haven’t you? We won’t go over it, what with you being old and liable to die soon, so, just what have you been up to lately?

Why, it seems you’ve been attempting to make people cry havoc and let loose the … bugs of war? What’s that you say? You want to help in this valiant war against animals by stuffing a bunch of computer chips and whatnot into the body of larvae, thus creating a half machine, half bug servant? Well, I can dig that. But, won’t that create the fuel for a bio-mechanical war if the technology gets proliferated by another country (Brazil, I’m looking at you)? What? You say that ants have been doing that sort of thing already for eons on end? So, essentially, you’re turning those six-legged monsters into servants that can actually be useful? I see! Oh DARPA, you’re still crafty after all this time! Don’t ever believe anything that the Department of Agriculture says about you!