Save the world, eat a cheeseburger

Often, we think of our animal foes as stupid. When compared to us, they are pretty dumb. However, it seems that each of them has some sort of special gift to offer, aside from tastiness. And when that gift is shared with the rest of its animal allies their special gifts make for one formidable enemy.

Scientists who have been studying cows (where can we sign up for an exciting job like that?) have determined that the lowly beasts have some sort of inner compass, which helps them determine north and south. This, of course, is important for orienteering.

With a sense of north and south, reading and navigating by maps is made considerably easier. This means the hated animals will gain a significant tactical asset. We cannot allow this. That is why you must have McDonald’s for lunch today.

Masked burglar breaks into judge’s chambers

Animals are everywhere, why? Because that’s were they can find and harm us. However, these days we spend most of our time indoors. This is particularly true for public servants–just the people our beastly foes want to attack.

One such attack was foiled in Atlanta recently, when a federal judge found a half eaten apple on his desk, probably left there intentionally as a warning. From the footprints and other evidence, they concluded it was a raccoon that had left the message. A man, err, animalhunt began immediately.

A court clerk created a “wanted” poster, and Bonapfel’s staff posted a “raccoon crossing” sign on the judge’s door.

Days later, the culprit was caught and denied trial. Some media accounts say the critter was released, but others have noticed that the judge has been wearing a coonskin hat during hearings.

UPDATE: Justice is served

This will surely brighten up your morning: the humpback whale calf in Australia has been killed, after a swift trial near Sydney.

We told you Wednesday that it was facing such a penalty and we are please to announce that the legal system works indeed. It was reported shortly after our Wednesday story that the calf, which Australians named Colin, as a mockery, attempted to escape during the night. The whale could not out swim the long arm of the law, and was recaptured and executed like the criminal it was.

The last meal was said to be plankton.

In other news, the Olympics are one of the most sacred traditions of professional sports. It is a time when countries put aside their squabbles (except for Russia) and compete on a level playing field, the field of sport. Leave it to the animals to try to ruin an event of such goodwill for us.

It was announced yesterday that four horses were suspended from the Olympics for doping. The animals, likely involved in the equestrian events, hail from Norway, Ireland, Brazil and Germany. Clearly this is a sign of a more organized effort on their part to sully the Olympics once and for all.

As punishment, all four horses were euthanized on the track Eight Belles style.

Suckle on a harpoon, baby whale!

Australia takes yachting very seriously. Since they are an island nation, they are all about boating whenever they get the chance. This means there are strict laws when it comes to boating, including trying to suckle a yacht.

This is somewhat of a rare crime, it has not happened since the swinging 60s, but now a suspected humpback whale calf is facing the death sentence for alleged multiple offenses

You are probably expecting this blog to go on a tirade about how that whale and all other whales deserve to die, well you’re wrong. We believe that the death penalty is immoral. Besides, it costs taxpayers more money in appeals than a life sentence does. you’re damn right we believe that whale deserves to die, and we hope it burns in hell.

Suspected llama causes accident probably on purpose

We all know that we are at war with animals, but did you know that in Kansas it is illegal to be a llama? Yes, finally a state has stepped up where the federal government has not, in declaring illegal the state of being an animal, quieting adding species after species to the list.

One such outlaw is believed to have caused a fiery accident with a pick-up truck but injuring no one. We journalists know it is dangerous to call criminals anything but “suspected” or “alleged” criminals until they are found guilty by a trial of their peers or kill themselves waiting for trial.

That is why the Pratt (Kansas) Tribune handled the matter with this lead sentence:

Two people escaped injury Saturday after a pickup was destroyed by fire following a collision with a suspected llama.

That’s right, a suspected llama. The newspaper cannot say “a llama” without risking libel. This blog says if it walks like a llama and it spits like a llama it’s a llama.

The newspaper would have you believe that the driver of the car may have been intoxicated. There is no way of knowing that now. For all we know, the llama planted booze on the driver’s clothes after it realized it had failed to kill or injure the truck’s occupants. Watch out, nation. The llamas are out there.

Flippered pirates on the west coast

Sea lions live up to their name as the lions of the sea. They prey on unsuspecting sea zebras and sea antelope, travel in prides and have been known to stalk and attack human children. Apparently, they are also known for their intellect.

A sea lion in Washington state illegally boarded a passenger vessel, probably intending to take the family on board as hostages and for money or a prisoner exchange. Luckily, after an hour long battle, the coup attempt was repelled, and the sea lion went back into the water.

The only problem is, it then let out its mighty sea lion roar and climbed up the boat’s ladder. The shoddy journalism of USA Today fails to tell us what happened after the family was re-boarded, we are left to assume that the U.S. Coast Guard came in and terminated the threat posed by the beast.

Seacrest, ouch

It looks as though as the shark population struggles against the crushing weight of our inevitable victory, the beasts get more and more desperate. They are so desperate now that they are trying to buy us off by going after humans we don’t like.

Recently, Ryan Seacrest said he was the victim of a recent shark attack while he was on vacation. According to the American Idol host, a small shark swam up, bit him and swam off. The attack was so bad, he said, that he needed to take a few Advil that night. Likely he has also undergone counseling.

It is clearly an act of desperation, and The Guys will never bow to such attempts of bribery, especially ones that are not successful. However, if the sharks, and the animal population as a whole, still think we could be swayed, we could live in a world without:

  • Jon Bon Jovi
  • Tia Tequila
  • Celine Dion
  • Carson Daly

Warrior of the Week: Gabriel Almeida

When one is faced with an angry dog, it is hard to think. When that dog attacks you (we assume) it is even harder to react and fend off the enemy combatant. But in times of great trouble, heroes are born. This week, we celebrate the first Brazilian to earn the honor of Warrior of the Week: Gabriel Almeida.

A dog attacked him, biting his left arm. How did Gabriel, only 11 years old respond? By biting the dog on the neck. He bit the dog so hard that he ended up losing a tooth. You guessed it, it was a canine.

Seldom is such valor seen, much less in someone so young. Gabriel is not only the first Brazilian to win the award, he is also the youngest. All of us here at SG salute him and his efforts to help us win.

The War on Toddlers

Whales are more of a nuisance than anything. They keep beaching themselves or dying of shock from the U.S. Navy’s submarine sonar. But now they are being compared to toddlers.

Yes, toddlers, those freeloading brats. They are poor with language skills, manners, personal hygiene and they are needy–just like whales. And like toddlers, whales are doing exactly what they are not supposed to do: swim toward a big ship after it makes sounds trying to shoo the pesky whales away.

Don’t get us wrong, we are happy to see whales willing to off themselves for our cause, but they are the kamikazes of the ocean. Each sliced up whale results in damage to the ship, which means the cargo is slowed, which means you cannot buy it as rapidly, which slows the economy, ultimately costing you your job.

The sting of the attack

We are in this war to win it. For too long, animals have walked the Earth, posing a threat to humanity and democracy. But just because we have stepped up our operations this summer doesn’t mean the animals have taken the summer off.

One of the worst continued threats we have faced this summer is bees. Sometimes they are forming tornadoes, but this time, in an attack eerily similar to that on our allies to the north, bees were attacking commuters as they were heading to work. Luckily, the attack was in New Jersey, where we can afford to lose ground, but still, we cannot allow the harassment of our kind as they go to work and further the economy.

We need to hit these bastards and hit them hard.