It’s the War on Christmas season, as all good secular warriors know. Typically, the news of the war is all about the latest imagined assaults on the holiday that we start celebrating the day after Halloween, and how it’s going to ruin civilization as we know it. But now, Christmas is on the attack.
In Northern Ireland, Frosty the Snowman has had enough, and he’s fighting back with a rocket launcher. A man has been charged after painting a snowman holding a rocket launcher and the words “Wishing You An Explosive Christmas” on the window of an Irish Republican support group. It’s apparently against the law there to have a provocative painting.
If the Northern Ireland government scrapes Frosty down it is feared that sectarian violence will begin anew after two decades of peace.
As a somewhat liberal-leaning web site, it’s probably time for SeriouslyGuys to come clean: we’re absolutely at war with Christmas. We tried to keep it under wraps, CIA-style, but, that’s now impossible because of our new amazingly strong president and his very productive tweets. So, yes, Virginia, the War on Christmas is real, and The Guys aren’t going to give up the fight until every American on Earth says “Happy Holidays” and eats a Kwanzaa cake or whatever.
That said, The Guys are sending our thoughts and prayers to Christmas prisoner of war who, like POWs in Vietnam, alerted us to their status through clandestine sign language. In one captive’s forced photo with Santa Claus from 12 years ago, a toddler signed the word for “help,” letting us know both that he is alive and also that baby sign language totally works, you guys.
Mr. Spencer, even though it’s been more than a decade, stay strong. Santa may claim he has leverage through surveillance on you and try to convince you that you are naughty, but that’s just how he wins hearts and minds over here. We have it on good authority that you have been and shall remain on the nice list … provided you don’t give away any of our War on Christmas secrets.
Pagans are followers of Paganism, an ancient mystical religion honor nature and some obscure European gods. They are split into two groups, those who listen to metal and those who listen to harp and lute stuff. And just in time for the War on Christmas, Maine is giving the pagans the right to look silly in their driver’s license photos.
Santa Claus, a rather large elf who probably has diabetes from all the cookies we give him, only works one night a year. That gives him a lot of time to do what he wants to do–like drive drunk or steal a helicopter. This time he was arrested in Florida.
According to authorities, Pere Noel was in Jacksonville, Florida selling marijuana, molly and ecstasy out of a U-Haul truck. Acting on a tip, police caught up to Saint Nicholas, who was in his trademark red suit with white furry trim (heh), probably just trying to make a quick buck on his side hustle. He tried to run when he saw the cops, but was foiled when his pants fell down and tripped him up.
Here in the U.S., and in countries around the world that try to be America, it’s Christmastime–a sacred holiday filled with celebrating Jesus’ birth by asking people to buy you things. So as we celebrate by binge drinking with friends and family in tacky sweaters, let’s not forget to remain on our guards.
A woman in Melbourne, Australia found a deadly tiger snake slithering in her Christmas tree yesterday. No doubt the snake was there to give the gift of its venom to all the good boys and girls. The woman reportedly called an animal handler, then made herself a cup of tea and watched the thing act like scaly garland in her tree.
The snake was caught, and luckily no humans were harmed. We have no word on whether the snake will live to see Christmas.
Aside from the Cat in the Hat, most non-human Dr. Seuss characters aren’t a clearly defined animal. But we now know that the Grinch is a squirrel.
In Canada, a town near Toronto has had its holiday nights cut by squirrels, because the real War on Christmas is fought between humans and animals. The town had lights in the trees around one of its parks for all to enjoy during the Christmas season. But now, the park is dark because squirrels have chewed through the wires.
The town is standing strong against the animal onslaught, installing multicolored flood lights to get the park looking festive again.
The city of Norwalk, Connecticut is in disarray after one of its most time-honored traditions became a target by our worst enemies: the animals.
Locals are planning to gather at City Hall tonight to watch the annual Christmas tree lighting, but there’s a chance it won’t happen because of sabotage. Workers setting up the tree found that several strands of lights they had recently put up were chewed through by squirrels. The most likely reason is to disrupt the tranquility we feel in holiday traditions, but there’s another side here.
What if the squirrels are chewing away at the wiring to harvest the copper, then sell it back to us to finance their operations?
It’s only been a week since Halloween (we haven’t even changed our message in the sidebar yet, fer pete’s), and imaginary battle lines have already been drawn in the non-going War on Christmas.
Starbucks unveiled plain red cups that they will use this season, presumably to pedal out America’s peppermint-flavored fixes. Because Starbucks is already somehow a political cudgel for gun rights, one or two of the usual Christian attention whores have declared this an affront to god, whatever the holy spirit is and the only baby with a beard, Jesus Christ himself. (Fun fact: his middle initial, “H,” actually stands for “Himself.”)
This has prompted a far larger crowd of perpetually eye-rolling online activists to prop up those one or two angry people as the Official Christian Response to Starbucks, effectively doing a better job of spreading hypocritical Christian angst than the Westboro Baptists. (That’s how we found out about this whole to-do, not because of Pastor Dave’s blog post/call to boycott.)
Meanwhile, Starbucks is doing better than ever, selling coffee to both the aggrieved (who are “tricking” baristas into writing misspelling “Merry Christmas” on their cups by saying that’s their name) and the humanist keyboard commandos alike. Other seasonal causes, like feeding and clothing the poor this winter and Movember, will have to try harder to offend for this kind of success.
A bakery in Melbourne, Australia is kicking things off by offering a genderless, vegan gingerbread person cookie. And it’s not even Halloween. Is this really necessary? It’s not like gingerbread men are waving around their gingerbread penises (unless you’re at a bachelorette party around the holidays), so why can’t we just let these men have their dignity? At least make them non-vegan, it’s inhumane not to.
And doesn’t Australia celebrate Christmas in the June or something?
Let me state clearly: I love Christmas. The presents; the food; the Eureka, Warehouse 13 and Doctor Who specials; pretending to understand Kwanzaa. I don’t even mind the religious part because there’s a good chance Jesus broke his mom’s hymen on the way out, and if you’re Catholic, then he put himself “up in her” in the first place.
But, no matter how much I get into the spirit (gin), I … that is to say … well, I just can’t get into the War on Christmas.