Syringe bird nests mark first positive of opioid epidemic

The opioid epidemic that is gutting communities throughout the U.S. doesn’t stop at the border. Canada is dealing with the crisis, too. There’s nothing funny about a crippling addition to opioids — well, maybe the constipation.

In any case, there’s a rare bit of light coming from, Vancouver, where authorities have found a bird’s nest made out of used syringes. The discovery was made in an unoccupied room of a seedy hotel in Vancouver’s opioid hotspot. A sink with dozens of syringes in it is home to three pigeon eggs.

Then again, if this leads to a boom in the pigeon population across North America, we’re all screwed.

U.S. no longer able to win wars against poorly-defined, intangible things

So, things are not looking good for the “War on Drugs.” Well, if you’re ag’in’em, anyway.

While drug busts and seizures are up, the prices of cocaine, heroin and marijuana are way down. On top of that, their purity has also gone up significantly. All together, this means that, yes, Western governments are “catching lots of bad guys” and “getting drugs off the streets.” But, only because there’s so much of it that it’s a buyers’ market now.

Based on new research, bragging about a successful drug raid is like bragging about finding a Tickle Me Elmo in the toy store ... today, not in 1996.
Based on new research, bragging about a successful drug raid is like bragging about finding a Tickle Me Elmo in the toy store … today, not in 1996.

It’s times like these when The Guys are glad that we stick to realistic, winnable wars, like our wars on animals, robots, aliens, education and art.

Some seriously U.S. wars updates

When it comes to wars, The Guys are starting to overstretch our resources. At last count we’re engaged on four fronts and with some real heavyweights, like robots, every animal in the world, extraterrestrial intelligence and the entire concept of education.

The U.S. fights a lot more wars–albeit against punier opponents like potheads and religious fanatics–so sometimes it’s hard to keep track of what our benevolent leaders are waging against. To keep you informed, we bring you A Seriously U.S. Wars Update.

Afghanistan
It turns out there may be more to Afghanistan than poppies and Muhammad fanboys who–like our own fanboys–have poor hygiene and fear the touch of women. U.S. geologists have discovered large untapped deposits of copper, iron and lithium and believe this could help draw more international aid. Because when we think of improving living conditions for a people that have been impoverished by unchecked religion, war and corruption, we think of mining.

Iraq
After over seven years of searching for chemical weapons in Iraq, U.S. forces have finally found them.

Illegal Immigration
According to an expert witness, Arizona is “the gateway to America for drug trafficking, extortion, kidnapping and crime.” That was Gov. Jan Brewer, who is experimenting with a new method of curbing illegal immigration: paint your state as a hellhole so that nobody will enter it.

So, in summation, America is winning!