The Ozzy Osbourne method of education

It’s not easy to reach children these days. They’re little assholes, and they think they know everything, and the education system fails to help. And that means it’s tough being a teacher. That’s why it’s important to shock the kids.

In South Korea, a brought a hamster into his classroom, then bit the hamster to death and swallowed it in front of his students to show how precious life is. Now, liberals may call this animal cruelty and emotionally scarring for the children, but we praise this teacher for going against the educational establishment.

We bet that class is quiet for him now.

Artichoke explodes, have the plants declared war?

Folks, we can ill afford another war right now. We’re still fighting wars on aliens, animals, art, education and robots, as well as our undeclared war on chafing. But we find ourselves at the brink or war once again, this time, with plants.

Late last month, a woman in Italy was cutting up artichokes she bought earlier at the grocery store. As soon as her knife pierced one of them, it exploded. She was stunned, but largely unhurt. What’s even more shocking is that similar attacks like this occurred in Italy in 2003 and 2008. The story the Italian government wants you to believe is that it’s a chemical reaction related to fertilizers.

We’re not saying that this means war just yet, but it doesn’t look good.

On education: it’s time for another abstract war

100% of the drug abusers who have sex with this teacher (left) are students receiving an education. 

Education in this great nation of ours (the United States for the benefit of our foreign readers) has descended into a spiral of moral and institutional decay. New math has proven fruitless, D.A.R.E. has been rejected and teachers everywhere are having sex with students.

What is the culprit in all of these situations? Education.

Notice, if you will, a disturbing trend:

  • 100% of the developers of new math received education. Furthermore, their method was published and marketed by a university that may or may not sell education.
  • D.A.R.E. is co-cordinated by educators. 100% of D.A.R.E. attendees are students, and 100% of those students that use drugs went to school (read: education).
  • 100% of educators found guilty of sexual misconduct with students received some degree of education. 100% of all students who were sexually abused by their teachers met their antagonists in an educational environment.

In short, it’s time to take off the kid gloves, folks. Education is the cause of all of our society’s ills, including education. As impractical as it may seem, it is time to start another war: The War on Education.