In the War of 1812, the world saw the first skirmish between neighbors in North America: the awesome United States of America versus the royal imperialists known as Canada. Despite their devious tactics of the northern lumberjacks, the US came out the winner.
The year is 2012. 200 years later, Canadians and citizens of the United States of America have begun to clash again. The cause for the war this time? Costco.
Hear this Canadians: you may have given us Dan Ackroyd, but you’ve also given us Tom Green, and we are more than willing to send him back.
If you were planning your New Year’s Eve party around not being accountable for anything the next day, then Mayan experts have bad news for you: the Mayan calendar does not predict the end of the world.
According to university professors and Mexican national historians, the calendar does not the indicate the end of all time, just the end of the holy 13th baktun, “baktuns” being periods of 394 years. And, yes, Bolon Yokte, a Mayan god associated with war and creation, is scheduled to return, but he turns up every 13 baktuns like Billy Crystal at the Oscars. (And, as much as we’d like it, Billy Crystal’s return does not herald the end of the Academy Awards.)
But, if you still want to party like it’s 1999 and our computers are going to kill us all … fine, go ahead. Just trust us when we say, “Wear a rubber. Just to be safe.”
The U.S. Senate voted unanimously to put Gen. David Petraeus in charge of the “war” in Afghanistan. Petraeus will take over duties performed by his former underling, General Stanley McChyrstal.
This is the second time that the United States Congress has appointed Petraeus to fix a war it neglected to declare, the first being the “war” in Iraq.
Gazing into our SeriouslyCrystal ball, we see the future …. It is 2012 …. War in Afghanistan … still ongoing; however … Petraeus reassigned to … the War on Drugs!
You heard it here first, folks: come 2012, there will be a new sheriff in Drugtown. (Not sure if Iraq or Afghanistan will be wrapped up by that point.)
When it comes to wars, The Guys are starting to overstretch our resources. At last count we’re engaged on four fronts and with some real heavyweights, like robots, every animal in the world, extraterrestrial intelligence and the entire concept of education.
The U.S. fights a lot more wars–albeit against punier opponents like potheads and religious fanatics–so sometimes it’s hard to keep track of what our benevolent leaders are waging against. To keep you informed, we bring you A Seriously U.S. Wars Update.
It turns out there may be more to Afghanistan than poppies and Muhammad fanboys who–like our own fanboys–have poor hygiene and fear the touch of women. U.S. geologists have discovered large untapped deposits of copper, iron and lithium and believe this could help draw more international aid. Because when we think of improving living conditions for a people that have been impoverished by unchecked religion, war and corruption, we think of mining.
After over seven years of searching for chemical weapons in Iraq, U.S. forces have finally found them.
According to an expert witness, Arizona is “the gateway to America for drug trafficking, extortion, kidnapping and crime.” That was Gov. Jan Brewer, who is experimenting with a new method of curbing illegal immigration: paint your state as a hellhole so that nobody will enter it.
So, in summation, America is winning!
Not to get too political, but we here at SG love our troops. We think the world of them; however they’re only fighting a war on one front. They should probably be happy about that, as they might be the only country to do so. Australia, though, they’re fighting a war on two fronts: the Taliban and the Dutch.
Oh yes, those brave Australian soldiers have been silently putting up with both the Taliban and the most vile villain of all: Dutch cuisine.
Australia recently rushed a crack skilled team of cooks to Afghanistan in order to create authentic “Aussie” food for the soldiers. Why? Because their mess hall had been previously run by a bunch of Dutch cooks. Honestly though, it can be understood. I mean, hete bliksem (boiled potatoes and green apples)? Boerenkoolstamppot (kale mixed with potatoes, gravy, mustard and rookworst)? I’m not saying that I’m an astounding cook, but I can barely pronounce the names of these dishes, much less create any desire to eat them.
Don’t worry though, Australia. Soon you shall be reunited with such delectable foods of your native land, such as fairy bread, chiko rolls and roasted kangaroo.
If there’s one thing we all love, it’s war reporting. Whether it’s Edward R. Murrow hanging a microphone out his window during the bombing of London or Geraldo Rivera giving away troop positions by drawing in the sand, we just can’t get enough. We’ve got a piece of fine news reporting from CNN, oddly enough, it seems we’re winning the War on Animals in Iraq. Let’s listen in.
“The shotgun blast rips into the stray dog’s midsection, sending it tumbling over and over. Agonizing yelps echo through the streets as it tries to reach and bite at the gaping wound. Minutes later, the dog is dead.
“A few miles away, a puppy eats a piece of poisoned meat. Its body starts to twitch and spasm as the toxins kick in. It dies within 15 minutes.”
Boy howdy does that sound good! To our brave men and women in the service: tell us your story about how you’re helping us win the War on Animals. We’d be honored to feature it right here on SG. Thank you for your sacrifice.
When I was in high school, I was in a car accident I luckily walked away from, yet I was still haunted by flashbacks hours later. Turns out this is a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD. If only I had known about the medicinal wonders of Tetris.
Oxford University researchers who apparently have a lot of free time on their hands are saying the video game Tetris can help fight PTSD and memories of traumatic incidents if played shortly afterward. It could be used to help people involved in accidents (assuming they can use their fingers) and soldiers returning from war (same caveat).
We firmly believe there is another, older way of dealing with traumatic incidents.
The other day I heard a commercial on the radio during my morning commute for voteforahange.com, an Obama campaign voter registration and information site. It was basically just a bunch people naming why they were registering to vote (aside from the fact that like Livestrong bracelets in 2004, it’s the in thing now). One of them toward the end of the commercial was a young woman saying “Because I can’t stand living in a world where I make less than a man.”
That statement, and the driver cutting me off, caused me to yell at my dashboard. You see, men make more for a reason, actually, several reasons, and while this statement attacked the unjust practices of the world, let’s focus on just the U.S. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Equality and equal treatment are not the same
Way back in June, I looked at a number of misconceptions out there and explained why they were wrong. These were brief, yet concise pockets of correctness that should have solved all of the stupid around me.
Alas, I’ve just found more conventional “wisdoms” that boggle the mind. (Go figure, it’s an election year.)
So, sit down, shut off that damn music and pay attention. You should only have to read this article once, because I’m not kicking your brain any more than I have to. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Lightning Round 2
Often, we think of our animal foes as stupid. When compared to us, they are pretty dumb. However, it seems that each of them has some sort of special gift to offer, aside from tastiness. And when that gift is shared with the rest of its animal allies their special gifts make for one formidable enemy.
Scientists who have been studying cows (where can we sign up for an exciting job like that?) have determined that the lowly beasts have some sort of inner compass, which helps them determine north and south. This, of course, is important for orienteering.
With a sense of north and south, reading and navigating by maps is made considerably easier. This means the hated animals will gain a significant tactical asset. We cannot allow this. That is why you must have McDonald’s for lunch today.