You Missed It: Silent war edition

Warmongers everywhere.

This is the worst time of year for sports. Football is over. Baseball isn’t here yet. It’s the dog days of the hockey season. And basketball sucks. Sure, there’s March Madness to look forward to, but that’s just about brackets, not about the sport. Regardless, it’s basketball, which is just barely above racing in terms of sports I care about. If you were busy asking the FBI to go to bat for you this week, odds are you missed it.

Phones can start wars
Kids are always texting and tweeting on the cellphones, right? No one thinks that it’s a bigger problem than Pope Francis. During an address to some students, His Holiness advised the kids to put their phones down at the dinner table and have a real, face-to-face conversation with adults, or else it’s “the start of war if there is no dialogue.” However, the students were too busy plotting their war against adults via text message.

New level of s*&^$y performance
A band made headlines this week after reports surfaced that a failed enema stunt on stage got them banned from a venue in Houston. According to the bar owner, Sonic Rabbit Hole performed on stage, and then one band member gave another member an enema, and the bag burst. And that, Mr. President, is why we need to support the arts.

Joke’s on him
Speaking of disgusting enemas, some guy got dropped from his book deal, as well as a speaking gig at an ultra-conservative conference, and was forced to resign from his job because he argued for child molestation. Moving on.

Pigeon arrested trying to draw India, Pakistan into war

Pakistan and India aren’t the greatest of friends, in fact, things are quite tense between the two nations. So it should come as no surprise that the animals are taking advantage of this.

Indian authorities say they have arrested a pigeon that was found carrying a threatening message aimed at Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi. The bird is being held for questioning, and Indian authorities have already blamed a Pakistani group for the message, but we know better. We know that pigeons can read. So it makes sense that they would use this ability to exploit friction between counties. If we’re busy fighting each other, we won’t be ready when the animals attack.

It’s pure genius. Now we know what we’re up against.

Monkeys, slugs continue attacks on mankind

Things are heating up in the War on Animals, although we have yet to hear from either presidential candidate on the issue. Abroad, it’s something leaders can’t ignore.

In Malaysia, a group of monkey committed an undeniable act of war. According to the Malaysian Army, the monkeys broke into a military base and stole confidential military documents. This is the animals’ equivalent of hacking. We don’t know what was in those documents, but we know the monkeys will use that information against mankind somehow.

Meanwhile, Norway nearly ready to declare war on slugs. The country’s socialist left party has proposed an hour where the entire country does everything it can to hunt down and kill Spanish slugs. As the name indicates, the slugs aren’t native to Norway. The war-like Norwegians are apparently so confident in their abilities that they need only one hour to drive the dastardly slug from their borders.

It’s nice to see countries get serious about this thing.

When Germany thinks you’re a little racist, damn

Even German right-wing tabloid BILD took a time-out from antisemitism to call David Cameron a slacker on helping non-white people.
Even German right-wing tabloid BILD took a time-out from antisemitism to call British Prime Minister David Cameron a “slacker” for not helping non-white people.

The issue of immigration is a complicated one, fraught with legitimate concerns on both sides. Only one side, however, believes in building walls and using the military to keep barbarian hordes out, though. And, when it comes to the ongoing North African refugee crisis in Europe — Britain, Germany is looking your way.

No matter what your perspective is on letting poor brown people who no longer have a home into your country, you know you’re kind of an assh*le when even German racists call you out for not doing enough for African and Arabic people.

Venezuelan golfers may lead their country to war with Swiss

Things are tense right now in Venezuela, as golf balls could trigger an international incident.

Switzerland and Venezuela, natural enemies for as long as anyone can remember, appear to be on the brink of war because people can’t keep their drives in the fairway. The Swiss ambassador’s residence has been pelted with golf balls because it borders a hole at the Caracas Country Club. The ambassador has warned Venezuela that the Swiss people will not tolerate such an affront to their national pride, going to far as to post a sign warning that should an errant golf ball injure or kill anyone in Swiss territory, it would violate the Vienna Convention.

These are dark days. Let us all hope that the traditionally hawkish Swiss cool down, and Venezuelan golfers improve their aim.

Please don’t throw away grenades

Here in America, we take a lot of things for granted, because we’re a world superpower and we haven’t fought a war on our own soil in like a century. That’s why we generally don’t worry about people disposing of explosives in their morning trash.

Serbia can’t say the same. The Serbian government has asked its people not to throw away hand grenades or other wartime munitions they may have lying around. The government recently passed tighter restrictions on privately held weapons, which has given rise to fears that people will dump their leftover munitions to avoid punishment.

It’s estimated that hundreds of thousands of munitions are privately held, but if Obama gets re-elected, they’ll probably try to bring that number down to zero.

You Missed It: Beat goes on edition

"Did somebody say celebrity opinion?"
“Did somebody say celebrity opinion?”

At this point, I’m almost certain that Colorado is the worst place to live. I know it’s big and diverse and beautiful and everything, but nature doesn’t want you there, and it’s not shy about it. Let’s just take a few examples from this year alone. First off, having snow storms in May is reason enough to move. Then you’ve got the wildfires that we heard about all summer long. Now, those areas are getting pounded by rain, and because there aren’t any trees, the runoff is causing flooding. That is clearly the wrath of an angry God. If you were busy serving on the same jury as Tom Hanks this week, odds are you missed it.

The drums of war skip a beat
This week, the Obama administration continued to make its case for military action in Syria, but said it was open to diplomatic solutions. When the Democrats want war and the Republicans don’t, and Russia seems like the most reasonable guy at the table, something’s wrong. On top of this, Ed Asner said celebrities aren’t expressing their anti-war views because they don’t want to seem “anti-black.” So that’s what it takes to shut them up.

Ice cubes count as water
First Lady Michelle Obama unveiled her newest campaign: getting kids to drink more water. While it’s probably aimed at just getting them not to drink as much soda, the “Drink Up” campaign also kind of sounds like the first lady wants to turn the nation’s youth into alcoholics as early as possible. Then again, if they’re hung over, kids are far more likely to drink lots of water.

Orangutans call ahead
According to a new study, male orangutans will often make loud calls at night in the direction they plan to travel the next morning. Scientists say it’s evidence that primates can plan far ahead, and let others know about their plans. It’s also evidence that male orangutans just want to get out for a little while and blow off some steam, but if they don’t check in, their wives are all, “Where have you been? You smell like that whore a couple trees down!” So I sez to her–ah never mind. Pour me another drink, Mac!

Canada x US: Round 2

In the War of 1812, the world saw the first skirmish between neighbors in North America: the awesome United States of America versus the royal imperialists known as Canada. Despite their devious tactics of the northern lumberjacks, the US came out the winner.

The year is 2012. 200 years later, Canadians and citizens of the United States of America have begun to clash again. The cause for the war this time? Costco.

Hear this Canadians: you may have given us Dan Ackroyd, but you’ve also given us Tom Green, and we are more than willing to send him back.

Bolon Yokte is on the guest list

If you were planning your New Year’s Eve party around not being accountable for anything the next day, then Mayan experts have bad news for you: the Mayan calendar does not predict the end of the world.

According to university professors and Mexican national historians, the calendar does not the indicate the end of all time, just the end of the holy 13th baktun, “baktuns” being periods of 394 years. And, yes, Bolon Yokte, a Mayan god associated with war and creation, is scheduled to return, but he turns up every 13 baktuns like Billy Crystal at the Oscars. (And, as much as we’d like it, Billy Crystal’s return does not herald the end of the Academy Awards.)

But, if you still want to party like it’s 1999 and our computers are going to kill us all … fine, go ahead. Just trust us when we say, “Wear a rubber. Just to be safe.”

Just add Petraeus

The U.S. Senate voted unanimously to put Gen. David Petraeus in charge of the “war” in Afghanistan. Petraeus will take over duties performed by his former underling, General Stanley McChyrstal.

This is the second time that the United States Congress has appointed Petraeus to fix a war it neglected to declare, the first being the “war” in Iraq.

Gazing into our SeriouslyCrystal ball, we see the future …. It is 2012 …. War in Afghanistan … still ongoing; however … Petraeus reassigned to … the War on Drugs!

You heard it here first, folks: come 2012, there will be a new sheriff in Drugtown. (Not sure if Iraq or Afghanistan will be wrapped up by that point.)