Tag: war

Putin: ‘B-b-b-but they did it!’

For a not-president-of-Russia-anymore, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin sure has a lot to say about the invasion of Georgia. (They’re now up to ceasefire number 28: one more beats the Israeli-Palestinian monthly record!)

Putin now accuses the United States of starting this war, claiming our government encouraged Georgia to oppress South Ossetia and dispatched agents to orchestrate the entire affair.

Nice try, Putin. We wrote the book on making up other countries’ involvement in our wars (see: Iraq and 9/11). Don’t try to snow a snowman.

Bonus alternate punchline:
Oh, c’mon. We can’t be responsible for all of today’s wars! Mel Gibson has a theory you could borrow.

Where the honey flows

We spoke of a jail break in Amsterdam yesterday. It seems we have a The Fugitive-esque situation in Canada. A truck transporting 12 million bees overturned on a highway in New Brunswick, allowing the inmates to escape–and they were probably not in a very good mood.

Local law enforcement, according to the headline “captured” most of the bees before they could get very far. Sadly, police could not stop the madness before there were victims.

“In an unfortunate incident a journalist who was trying to get some bee noises on her microphone suffered a dozen or more stings. All in the name of journalism I guess, but it’s best to stay away from that area. Twelve million bees can do a lot of damage.”

Edward R. Murrow would be proud of this war reporting.

Take it from Snee: Lightning Round

Alright, everyone here? OK, good.

Look, I don’t have a lot of time today, so I’m not gonna type up a bunch of crap about why I’m right. I’m just gonna cut to the chase and tell you why you’re wrong.

What follows are pieces of conventional “wisdom” (I’m using the term very lightly) and what’s wrong with these turd nuggets. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Lightning Round

Take it from Snee: Cleaning out the language gutters, part II

It was brought to my attention that there are a few words that I left out of my last purge of the English language.  Of course, that was not a definitive list-merely the beginning of an ongoing renovation project.

The criteria is simple: once a word has been abused, sullied and tarred-and-feathered to the point that it is rendered meaningless, I will take it to the shed and put it out of its misery with a bullet between the eyes.  It’s all done humanely, and I always gather the torn out dictionary pages with some friends for a good cry.  Afterwards, we get drunk and mangle the rest of the language.

Continue reading Take it from Snee: Cleaning out the language gutters, part II

Warmer temperatures bring out the hotties

For most of the country, it’s April. That means warmer temperatures and women wearing less. It seems only natural to have beauty pageants to celebrate this time of year. Angola, which this blog understand is in Africa, is no exception. They are rolling out their beauties–but theirs seem to have a catch, due to the country’s high level of landmines, the women are missing limbs.

In the vein of Heather Mills, one-legged women can indeed be beautiful. The pageant, called Miss Landmine–seriously–features the luscious legless of Angola. The Guys have a well documented affinity for pirates, so naturally, these babes are alright with us.

But since these ladies lost their legs to munitions, it’s probably best not to call them bombshells.

Zebras really don’t change their stripes

It’s spring time along the Chesapeake, and clearly the animals know it, because they are coming out of hiding, most likely with fresh plans to attack and kill us all. Not only are the merciless pandas repopulating, but snakes are going after the region’s travelers.

Now, it seems they are hatching their evil plans of world domination by breaking out from the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus. This blog warned something like this could happen if the two mega-circuses (circi?) were allowed to merge. In Baltimore, drivers are used to seeing some weird stuff, but Thursday they saw zebras running around downtown. Luckily, they were rounded up before they could hold up too much traffic.

Then this blog found another startling revelation:

“The same three zebras, plus a fourth, made a similar escape in June during the circus’ visit to Colorado Springs.”

The nation’s capital is now in peril, as the circus has turned its sights to Washington. Earlier today, there were rumors that elephants–not GOP members–were strolling down amongst federal government buildings as evidenced here in this real picture. We need to fight back! Can’t we shoot someone out of a cannon at these monsters?

Warrior of the Week

It’s not often entire countries get behind a movement enough that one can associate the whole nation with that particular cause. This week, The Guys are proud to announce one country has done such a thing for the good of the War on Animals. That country is: Norway!

One lobby group has come up with a slogan so genius, it could become the war’s rally cry, or simply just make people’s heads explode. Their slogan: “Eat whale and save the planet.”

You read that correctly. A pro-whaling lobby group is trying to convince Norwegian lawmakers that it is better for the environment to eat whale meat, than to sustain cows, chickens and other livestock, with the intent to kill them for their meat. This blog think the argument is retarded, but will fully endorse any chance to wipe out the whale population once and for all! Perhaps the U.S. Navy could lend a hand.

In other European aquatic animal-related news: scientists have found the first-ever six legged octopus. Henry the octopus hexapus is in England. Why not call it a sexapus? Because “Sexapus” is the name of my upcoming debut album.

No mar sonar

Of all the branches of the military, the U.S. Navy is probably the most finicky about just which side it is on in the War on Animals. This really makes no sense, seeing as how the military is supposed to help us fight wars, but nevertheless, there have been some issues with them in the past, including training dolphins and sea lions to protect the country’s shores, like we can really trust the enemy. The Navy has also roughed up yours truly when I tried to get onto the Naval Academy campus hunting a green pigeon.

Last month, President George Bush exempted the Navy from environmental protections, basically saying they could use their sonar whenever they want, even though traitors claim it kills whales–like that’s a bad thing. Before that, the issue had been bounced around in the federal courts. First the Navy could not use sonar because it might harm whales, then the courts said they could use sonar no matter what.

Now, the courts are saying Bush cannot take the steps necessary to keep our oceans free of mammals. That’s right, the Navy is back to no sonar mode. These liberal, critter-loving courts need to get their heads out of the sand and realize there is a war going on. If the courts had it their way, we wouldn’t be able to monitor our enemy’s mating calls, either!

Cowboys and aliens

Last week, reports of UFOs over the town of Stephenville, Texas were reported and received much fanfare from mainstream media. Why these sightings caught attention, when thousands of crazies people report seeing UFOs every year is beyond this blog. However, many people in the town saw the strange lights and even reported seeing jets chase the lights.

Now, this blog was shocked to find that residents of the town are now actually welcoming aliens and trying to get them to land in their humble Texan town. Folks, this is just plain dangerous. What happens if the aliens do land in Stephenville, do we really want people from a small Texas acting as ambassadors for the entire human race? Knowing them, they would probably think the aliens were messing with Texas and start and intergalatic war. In case you haven’t noticed, we’re rather tied up fighting other battles at the moment.

Stephenville must be stopped!