Turkey: U.S. police interfered with standard institutional violence

Freedom isn’t free … ♩ ♪
As Americans, we often fail to recognize that what we call vital to free speech are not universal measurements. For instance, we defend the expression of the otherwise indefensible, like Richard Spencer doing god knows what with his mom’s backyard Tiki torches in the name of “white separatism” and statues that nobody wants anymore. Just as long as he doesn’t physically attack anyone. (Although, it’s fair game should anyone want to hit him. That’s what happens when you become a Nazi. Ask a German.)

This is probably a surprise to our ambassador to Turkey, who was called in by their Foreign Office to hear complaints about our police force trampling the free speech rights of their security forces to beat down protesters.

On May 16, local police reported that Turkish security officers charged at and started beating the pacifism out of protesters outside of their embassy in Washington, D.C. Nobody is claiming that didn’t happen because the whole thing was caught on video.

But, the Turkish government has taken umbrage with the “aggressive” way our security and local police forces got in the way of Turkey’s beatdown —  a perfectly normal expression by the Erdogan government back home.

Apparently, that’s where their free speech ends — right behind fists thrown by dudes in Oakleys. Tomato, domates, are we right?

National Zoo’s shameful revolving door strikes nation’s capital

The only way to win the War on Animals is to make sure we don’t fight the same enemies over and over again. Once we put an enemy combatant in lock-down, then we had better make sure they stay there. And yet here we are, watching non-profit animal cuddlers trying to lure a fugitive bobcat back into its cell.

At 25-pounds, Ollie is considered a threat to small animals, low-flying birds and Italian restaurants.

Ollie, a 25-pound bobcat, escaped from the National Zoo sometime Monday morning and is wandering free through our nation’s capital. This tiger-adjacent predator has access to the very strip clubs that our legislators and lobbyists depend on for nightly glitter-coatings that are essential for effective policy-making.

And what’s the taxpayer-funded zookeepers’ plan? To offer up food until she moseys back into her pen: “‘We very much believe that she will want to come back to her habitat,’ [zoo official Brandie] Smith says.”

See? This is why we have to silence the national parks and other sciencey-types. If they’re not with us, they’re against us.

Wisconsin drinks rest of the U.S. under the table

If you’re an American and you enjoy drinking, you should move to Wisconsin, where you will always be among friends.

According to a recent study, cheeseheads are the biggest drinkers in the country, with 65.03% of residents there reporting having at least one drink in the past 30 days, 24% of Wisconsinites said they have had more than four drinks in a night in that period. Does 65% of people in a state having had a drink in the past month sound incredibly low to anyone else? Especially because that’s the highest in the country.

It’s worth noting that Washington, D.C. residents trailed close behind Wisconsin in both categories. The Guys are making a difference.