Santorum reminds swing voters he’s Republican

Former Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum delivered a speech at the Values Voters Summit in Washington, DC on Saturday. He made sure to remind potential swing voters that, despite the Gov. Romney’s economics-only campaign, Rick Santorum is also one of the faces of the Republican party, and without his pet issues, there is no conservative movement.

And just in case some of you “economic conservatives and libertarian types” disagree, Santorum called you out specifically. Like that girl you forgot to call back, he wanted you to remember that it took Bible-thumping, praying-the-gay-away conservatives like Santorum to deliver the 2000, 2004 and 2010 elections to Republicans.

Santorum promised he will continue to do as much as he can to make sure the GOP remains the party that “will never have the elite, smart people on our side,” by dancing loudly and furiously in the limelight.

Also appearing was Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer, who reminded the country that the most important imaginary issues are still

“calling a Christmas tree a Christmas tree. [Also:] not being afraid to salute the flag, wear a flag pin, say the Pledge of Allegiance, and sing the National Anthem, unashamed, with a tear in our eye.”

You can blame the media, which Santorum did, but the The New York Times didn’t elect these guys to office.

Monumental erectile dysfunction

You guys! I know we’re supposed to seriously stop trying to make the Virginia earthquake a disaster, but we’ve just gotten word that the tremors have damaged the nation’s First Erection.

The Washington Monument and surrounding 100 feet will be closed to visitors indefinitely until repairs can be made. This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to it since workers wrapped scaffolding around it and we had to pretend it wasn’t a dick splint.

B-Bee: New celebrity trainwreck?

Autobot/bitchin’ Camaro Bumblebee, or B-Bee as he’s known to friends on the L.A. night scene, crashed into a police SUV while on set in Washington D.C. for Transformers 3.

The victim was DC Police Bomb Squad vehicle reporting to the site of a suspicious package. While crossing through an intersection, the intoxicated or even high on nitrous B-Bee T-boned the valiant cruiser before it could save innocent lives.

We haven’t bothered to follow-up on the terrorism story or whatever, but B-Bee’s nose was smashed in and may require surgery/rehab.

Mess with the goat, you get the horns

Life in the Washington, D.C. area is one that is many things, but is always one where the possibility of an attack is in the back of one’s mind. Last week, the nightmare came true.

There’s no easy way of saying this: the animals are attacking our leaders. A mohair goat was brought to D.C. as part of a protest against something or other (the protests all sort of blur for locals), and ended up jabbing Rep. Anthony Weiner, D-N.Y., in the hand with his horn, drawing blood. Let me repeat that: drawing blood.

This is no time to get all animal-rightsy, your country needs you. Imagine your home is invaded by a burglar, would you fight back? Now, what if that burglar was an animal? Exactly.

Run for the hills, Tian Tian!

Zookeepers at the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. have officially called off this year’s Panda Watch. It appears that Mei Xiang faked the whole thing, again.

Apparently, Mei Xiang will do anything to keep the attention she craves from zoo personnel, the media and her own badgered panda husband, Tian Tian, all of whom have been through this ordeal five times.

It’s time to leave, Tian Tian. She’ll just keep pulling this act to guilt you into sticking around. It may be hard to leave the potential mother of your cub or whatever they call your babies, but would she really lie to you if she loved you?

(And that’s how you convince an endangered species to stop breeding donating their sperm to a zookeeper.)

Catholic Charities shoot own feet for martyrdom

In a move that could be best described as “really, really obtuse,” Catholic Charities is taking a stand against legal gay marriage in Washington, D.C.  According to a letter from Edward J. Orzechowski, President & CEO of the group, the company will no longer provide health plan coverage for spouses of new employees or employees who haven’t bought in yet.

(The letter courageously omits why their employees will receive less benefits, merely referencing “the tenets of our religious faith.” Perhaps even mentioning homosexuality is enough to tempt Catholics in Orzechowski’s book.)

So, Catholic Charities refuses to recognize gay marriage by refusing to recognize their own. Take that, homos!

Never bring a gun to a snowball fight

As you may have heard, there was a big snow storm on the East Coast over the weekend. In Washington, D.C., this is an important thing, because you have national security issues to worry about.

So when a huge snowball fight in D.C. proper is advertised on Twitter, you know it’s time for the long arm of the law to roll in and put all that seasonal fun to rest. How do you get a large group of people to stop throwing (lame, fluffy, not the good stuff for packing) snow at each other? Well, taking your gun out is one solution. Unfortunately, the chief of police did not agree with the officer on that point.

“Let me be very clear in stating that I believe the actions of the officer were totally inappropriate!” said D.C. Metropolitan Police Chief Cathy Lanier.

She was so upset about the incident that she added the exclamation point to her statement, and later took out her gun to settle the press down a bit.

The McBournie Minute: Drunkard vs. Wild

I trudged on through the blinding snow. It was piling up by the hour, and conditions were getting worse all the time. I pushed onward because I had to make it to my goal, and make it to safety. I was out in the middle of a blizzard carving my own path in the ever-deepening snow. Somewhere far behind me my car lay buried. Everywhere, people found themselves stuck. I pushed on ahead despite the cold wind blowing snow down my neck. One thing and one thing alone kept me going: I needed bourbon.

Mother nature seldom shows mercy. She can come for anyone at any time. That is why you must always be prepared to survive when something bad comes your way. I consider myself something of a survivalist, though you wouldn’t know it by calm demeanor and desk job lifestyle. But when it comes to survival, I’m the kind of guy you want to have around.

This weekend, much of the East Coast was hit by a snow storm. This includes the greater Washington, D.C. area, where I live, only here they called it a blizzard. It ended up being one of the worst storm’s in the area’s history–well of the last 100 years, and even then, it came in as like third or fourth worst. Still, it was intense, man. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Drunkard vs. Wild

Take it from Snee: What Michael Bay doesn’t know

Seriously, isn't this just Megan Fox and not a character?There’s an old favorite insult of mine, that “what you don’t know could fill a book.” It’s used when someone confesses to ignorance in response to what someone else said.

What Michael Bay doesn’t know could fill an entire movie. The unfortunate thing for the Zuckers and Wayans of the world is that Michael Bay has made this film, and it’s Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen.

If you’re one of the 70 people in America that didn’t see this movie, then let me warn you: there are spoilers in this article. I don’t say that to warn you, but to assure you that, by the end, you won’t be “at least curious” about seeing this movie. (You’re welcome.)

Just remember that, as you read each point, Bay is allegedly–by his own and others’ accounts–a very demanding director, prone to emotional outbursts and long hours to perfect his vision. His behavior is excused because, as much as he pushes others, he’s supposedly even harder on himself. Continue reading Take it from Snee: What Michael Bay doesn’t know

And the ‘Sensitivity in Headline Writing’ award goes to …

For sensitivity above and beyond what decency calls for.Anyone can write a heart-wrenching piece about a 40-year married couple, who had been together since prom, that were killed together in a catastrophe.

Maybe fewer could tug at the heartstrings further by describing how they had just finished volunteering with wounded soldiers beforehand.

And perhaps only the bastard child of Nicholas Sparks and Michael Bay would throw in that one of them helped save America on 9/11 by ordering fighter jets into the air that morning.

But with just one headline about them being “inseparable” when they died in a completely crushed together DC Metro train car, all that work is undone.

Congratulations, CNN.

(Just in case they change it, here’s a screenshot.)