Tag: washington dc

The McBournie Minute: When do I get to riot?

Pittsburgh and Los Angeles had a heck of a weekend, as I understand it. I didn’t watch either game, mostly because I don’t care about any of the teams, but I know how they turned out. Kobe Bryant has a non-Shaq-related ring, and Bing Sidney Crosby gets to carry around a big silvery cup for a day.

I’m not here to talk about the sports, I’m not even here to talk about why I don’t care about who won and who lost. No, I am here to ask–why not my city? When will I get a chance to burn a police car?

This has been a recurring theme in my life. I never end up living in the city of a championship team, and when one of my teams does win the championship of whatever sport it is they play, everyone heads downtown to climb a few lamp posts and smash some windows. Meanwhile, I’m hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: When do I get to riot?

GAMES. IN. SPAAAAAAAACE.

OK, this the big moment-you’re a grade schooler, you live in DC and you’ve got the opportunity to talk to the newly elected President Barack Obama. Most probably, your life will never get as exciting as it is now. What can I say? Reality sucks. However, it gets even better-you get to call an astronaut at the same time.  What do you ask? WHAT DO YOU ASK?

“Can you play video games in space?”

That’s exactly what the first kid said. No questions about the majesty of space, or about the grueling selection process involved in becoming an astronaut, or about the wonders of being able to just pick up a telephone and speak to somebody in space. It was “Can you play video games in space?”, and to be honest, that’s pretty awesome. What was Mister Astronaut’s answer?

We can, in fact. And in fact a few years ago when I was up here for six months I had a video game that I used to play in my spare time. Unfortunately, we don’t have much spare time.

So we can, we have a lot of laptop computers. But for the most part we stay real busy doing real work.

Lame, space dude. As we all know thanks to wonderful documentaries, playing video games is the only way to find the chosen one to save us from an alien invasion. Add some lasers onto the space station and you’re set. Get on it NASA.

The McBournie Minute: Go away, tourists

I’ve mentioned from time to time on SeriouslyGuys that I am a resident of the Washington, D.C. metropolitan area. Yes, I live just outside of our nation’s capital, which means I can go downtown and look at big marble monuments you haven’t seen since sixth grade any time I want. I have the benefits of getting local news and national news basically happening in the same place.

Best of all, I can even tell someone where I live without them furrowing their brow and replying, “Where’s that?” (Eat it, Rick and Chugs!)

So in this first-ever afternoon edition of The McBournie Minute, I politely and respectfully ask all of you out there to stay the hell away from my town this month. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Go away, tourists

War Journal: Washington

If there are two things that piss this blog off, it’s animals and homeless people. Just this week, our nation’s capital was under siege. Yours truly happens to live in the DC area, I supply for you now a war journal about one of the most frightening days this city has seen in seven years.

Arlington, Virginia
9/16/08
8:47 a.m.

We thought this was over. We thought we were safe from threats like this once and for all. We were wrong. I got into work this morning to hear the news that a creature of some sort was spotted putting something in a trash can in downtown D.C.

The bomb squad has been called in and a nearby Metro [subway] station has been closed down right at one of the busiest times. Let’s hope nothing happens to our boys in blue. Continue reading War Journal: Washington

Unity. Togetherness. Solidarity. No clothing.

Nude figure models of the world unite! These are the things that guilds stand for-and you should be able to get them too. Seriously, because someone has started a guild for naked models in Washington D.C.. There is no worst case scenario. After all, you have nothing to lose-you already took your clothes off, right?

Sorry strippers, you’re not allowed in. You take your clothes off and put them on again far too often in a two minute period.

You Missed It: Sidearm edition

It is Friday, the last one we will see in June–at least for this year. Yours truly will be heading up to New York City very soon. If you were getting drafted by the NBA this week, odds are you missed it.

Fire shots in celebration
In a 5-4 decision, the U.S. Supreme Court struck down a Washington, D.C. handgun law this week, saying it was against the Second Amendment, which guarantees the right to bear arms. Perhaps the most unusual part of the majority opinion written by Justice Antonin Scalia, who said the court interprets it as “the right to bust a cap in some punk’s ass.”

Down with the Dow
The Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped more than 350 points on Thursday, making it the second worst day of the year. Some blame the fact that oil hit $140 per barrel for the first time, others on the weakening dollar, but we know it was really caused by the news that Heather Locklear entered a mental hospital that day.

Wonder how long until .xxx shows up?
The Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers, or ICANN, opened up the Internet’s dot-something realm this week when it decided a whole slew of new domain names can now be possible. ICANN said Arabic, Chinese and other languages can have their own .something address now. In fact, entire words can now be made for .something addresses, including .something. So get ready for SeriouslyGuys.funnynewsblogsite!

Author knighted
Author Salman Rushie was knighted by the Queen of England on Wednesday. Rushdie is best known for his controversial book “The Satanic Verses.” So for all of you Muslims out there, it’s Sir Salman Rushie you want to kill.

Life in a fish bowl

Folks, if there is one clear threat to humanity, it’s goldfish. We are not talking about the delicious cracker-like snack that poses the ever-present danger of choking to death. No, we are talking about the actual fish. Shockingly enough, these things are still legally sold in pet stores for just a ten cents.

To make matters worse, it is getting to the point where we cannot even use them for artistic expression anymore. According to DCist, around 100 goldfish were used in an art exhibit in Washington, DC. The city later shut down the exhibit, probably because the fish are a recognized threat to the many important people who live and work in the greater Washington area.

However, some species traitor realized that when the place was closed down, those “poor, defenseless” goldfish were still trapped inside with no one to feed them their tricolored flakes. The human-hater called the Humane Society (think the animal version of the mafia), which swooped in to save 20 of the monsters. We salute any artist expression that kills animals and challenge all those who stand in the way or winning the war. Humane Society–watch your back.

The McBournie Minute: Bars are still fun

People at my last job in their forties told me that I would soon get tired of the bar scene–that after a few years of being able to drink, going to a bar would seem an unlikely and unnecessary choice. After being able to drink for nearly four years, I have found that the answer is yes and no.

When you get into the mode of trying to save cash whenever you can (especially if several of your selfish friends are planning to get married in the same year, and expect you to get hotel rooms and snazzy clothes for each of them), going to the bar doesn’t make any sense. Why would you want to go to a bar and pay much more for a drink you could pour yourself? On top of that, you have to tip the bartender. Don’t skimp on this, people. If you are too broke to tip, you are too broke to be at a bar. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Bars are still fun

The McBournie Minute: The hazards of mass transit

If you’re like most Americans, you have at job. (In some cases, two jobs. Thanks, economy!) The only thing worse than work on a Monday is the process of getting to and from work everyday. Odds are if you live some place people want to live, you’re going to be dealing with plenty of other people hurrying to work.

At my last job, I did not have this problem. I worked five minutes away from my office. It sounds insanely short, but that is what happens when you live and work on an island. You can only drive so far before you either hit a bridge or water. It also came in handy because I worked as a reporter for the local newspaper. When something happened outside of work hours, (breaking news like fires, accidents and elementary school plays) I was there to make sure we got a picture. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: The hazards of mass transit