Dan Snyder is a sarcastic enigma wrapped in a $1000 suit

HTTR! is a really weird way to abbreviate “Eat a dick, Matt!” Maybe it’s Latin?

In 2019, Dan Snyder will have owned the Washington Redskins–and all the terrible decisions that organization has made–for 20 years. 20 years, people. People voted in the 2016 election who have never seen reasonably competent team ownership of the three-time NFL champions.

Of all the allegations about how Dan Snyder has dragged his favorite team to equal footing with the Cleveland Browns, none have accused him of understanding sarcasm. Satire, he certainly does not get after suing the Washington City Paper.

So, one enterprising fan tried to appeal to his Snydership with honey before pleading with him to make better decisions this year. Lifelong Redskins fan Matt Fraedrich thanked Mr. Snyder for being a true fan of the team before asking him to “please be very deliberate about the decisions that are made behind closed doors,” and, among other requests, “please give Kirk Cousins a long-term deal that makes him happy to be Redskin, even if that means making him the highest-paid player in NFL history.”

In return, Mr. Fraedrich got an autographed full-body photo of Dan Snyder.

So, does Dan Snyder not get sarcasm, thinking this “fan” really wanted his autograph? Or is he its greatest practitioner? Like any truly great act of sarcasm, intentional or not, we don’t even know anymore.

Take it from Snee: Time to retire ‘Redskins’

As a Washington Redskins fan, my season ended several weeks ago. But, like a premature ejaculator at an orgy, I wasn’t about to start relating my play-by-play performance until everyone else in the room is done. Fortunately, I get to enjoy watching better athletes at their peak and first dibs at the orgy buffet table. Unfortunately, those athletes were the 49ers and the Ravens, and this metaphor is officially done.

Classy orgy buffets have a lot of pineapple to improve the flavor and smell of all the semen.
Classy orgy buffets have a lot of pineapple to improve the flavor and smell of all the semen.

Now that the 2012 NFL season is officially over, fellow Washington fans have a long off-season to fret over RGIII’s knee, especially since the Capitols are spectacularly terrible right now.

But, what if we used this off-season more productively … say to rename one of only two NFL teams that you have to scan the room before you say their name out loud. (The other is the Cardinals, because you never know who the Church has forced to keep quiet about sexual abuse.) Continue reading Take it from Snee: Time to retire ‘Redskins’

How to dispose of a Tony Romo jersey

The Dallas Cowboys had a pretty bad season. It wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t what Dallas fans were hoping for. The season was capped by a loss to the rival Washington Redskins, a game in which quarterback Tony Romo seemed unable to throw to anyone but the other team.

In Texas, there are two ways of getting out your frustration. You can drink like Randy Travis, or you can fire off some guns. One Cowboys fan chose the latter, but with a bit more spite to it. He loaded up a washing machine with explosives, then set his Romo jersey on it, and shot at it with a rifle.

See you next season, Dallas.

Eat My Sports: Let’s not go out like Mace Windu

In an interview to hype Star Wars Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith, Samuel L. Jackson said in regards to his character, Mace Windu, that “he doesn’t go out like a b****” (please trust me on this, as my Google-fu is quite weak at the moment and I cannot find said interview; however, this one line was burned into my brain). Obviously, Sammy L was a little off in his revelation, because most assuredly, Mace Windu went out not just a window, but like a b****.

So, how does this relate to sports? Oh, come on. Teams lose games in the worst ways possible. Players leave in the most egregious ways possible. The worst thing is that more often than not, said people have the most potential ever! They’re rife with talent, but it gets squandered in a single moment, usually in an inexplicable manner. It’s time to celebrate the Mace Windu Awards.

Warning: the language is gonna get strong.

Continue reading Eat My Sports: Let’s not go out like Mace Windu

Eat My Sports: Booze News style

Hello, I’m legendary SeriouslyWriter Bryan Schools. I don’t quite know how to put this, but I’m kind of a big deal, people know me.

And people who know SG know Booze News. People who know Booze News, tend to drink and people who tend to drink tend  know good booze, but unfortunately, due to a bad economy and general low standards, they also know bad booze. Kind of like sports has the cream of the crop, and then the cream of the crap, there’s good, there’s bad, and that my friends inspired my horrible idea for a column to compare the best and worst teams of each of the major pro sports … to brands of booze (and in no way was I drinking a vodka Red Bull and Mountain Dew when I wrote this, nor was it Smirnoff, the Denver Nuggets of alcohol). Continue reading Eat My Sports: Booze News style

Friends don’t let friends buy Saturn

Their junked fleet will probably biodegrade slower than other cars because of their plastic panel sides.

GM announced on Wednesday that it will shut down their Saturn line. The decision was made after Saturn’s potential buyer, Penske Automotive Group, came to their senses after this alleged conversation with their friends:

Penske: So, I’m seriously thinking about buying a new car.

Friend: Yeah? What kind?

Penske: A Saturn.

Friend: A … Saturn? Really? Why?

Penske: Well, they’ve been having trouble lately and it’s important to buy American … auto industry failing … Detroit … Lions embarassment to football and whatever the Redskins play …

Friend: You know there are other American car brands out there? You know that, right? That aren’t Saturn?

Penske: Yeah … it was just, you know, an idea

Eat My Sports: Your 2009 Washington Redskins

Note: I know this looks like yours truly, Bryan McBournie, wrote this, but in fact it was written by Bryan Schools, who is currently chained up in Ben Roethlisberger’s love dungeon. Luckily Big Ben allowed Schools a cell phone to keep himself amused. Rather than calling for help, he wrote this via text message.

Ladies and gentlemen of the D.C. area, you had reason to doubt your Landover football team had reason for concern to begin the season, now you should be in full-blown panic mode! The Lions were bound to beat somebody at some time in their future, and that time came sooner rather later unfortunately for Jim Zorn and Jason Campbell.

The loss to Detroit is an early icing on the cake for a snowball that began in a Week 1 loss to the Giants, but gained an enormous amount of steam after an embarrasing win against the Rams. Notice, the Redskins are probably the only team in the league who can have the word “embarrasing” attached to a win. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Your 2009 Washington Redskins

Eat My Sports: NFL predictions edition

Bust out your Michael Vick jersey, a case of Miller Lite and prepare to gain 20 pounds, IT’S FOOTBALL SEASON! How will it all pan out? So glad you asked. My sports knowledge and ability to guestimate gives you predictions for every division, team and eventual playoff outcomes. Let’s ride.

NFC East

The NFC East was supposed to be the new “it” divisions last year, shortly before it lived up to expectations in 2008 the way Angelina Jolie tanked in Changeling. Now in 2009 the East is down to one good team, two teams that got rid of egomaniacal receivers, and the Redskins. Don’t be surprised when this team yields only one playoff bid this year.

The Call: Philadelphia Eagles 12-4

The Rest: New York Giants 9-7, Dallas Cowboys 8-8, Washington Redskins 5-11

NFC South

Another pretender division that choked like a British nanny as the weather got colder. Yes, I predicted the Saints to go to the Super Bowl last year, but injuries and NO DEFENSE prevented that. This year you have an aging Carolina squad, New Orleans’ offense, a terrible Tampa team and an Atlanta franchise that will probably get a second year hangover from Matt Ryan, I mean he is still only a year out of college, hangovers happen my friend. The bottom line is you could make an argument for any of these teams, simply because the division is so bad. So pick the least heinous person to make out with at this party, because this one isn’t pretty.

The call: Atlanta Falcons 10-6,

The rest: New Orleans Saints 8-8, Carolina Panthers 7-9, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 6-10 Continue reading Eat My Sports: NFL predictions edition

‘Skins player shows too much skin

For fans of the Washington Redskins, Chris Cooley is one of the only white people on the team a household name. He’s a tight end, and no, we are not going to make a joke about that.

Those who watched the ‘Skins game yesterday met Cooley in the profile during NBC’s coverage. We learned that while yes, Cooley did go to Utah State, he did not really like academics, unlike so many student athletes, who are on track for their doctorates.

However, Cooley is also known for his blog, cleverly titled The Official Blog of Chris Cooley. Recently, he published a post about how the team playbook has a doodle section. He even took a picture of the section, which is tragically devoid of crayons. But, in the picture he published, Cooley failed to realize he had accidentally included his manly member in the shot.

Let this be a cautionary tale to all you nude bloggers out there. Speaking of which, I need to go find some pants.

Eat My Sports: Serious allegiance

In an effort to try and keep the sporting world active in my life, I actually paid attention to this weekend’s festivities in New Orleans for the NBA’s All-Star Game. I saw Dwight Howard visibly put basketball back on the map with one dunk. I watched as Lebron James continued his ascent into being not only the next, but better than Michael Jordan. I watched all of this and suddenly got very, very depressed. Where were my New York Knicks?

Aside from Nate Robinson winning the Slam Dunk Competition a few years back, I am in a free fall as a fan. I have nothing to look forward to. The NBA season starts, I have no hope, we get Larry Brown, and I have no hope because Isaiah Thomas has ruined my beloved franchise beyond a decade-long repair. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Serious allegiance