Mussels are hooked on opioids

Opioids: they kill pain, they destroy lives and they make it tough to poop. We thought it was just a problem for humans, we were wrong.

A new study has found that mussels in Puget Sound are hooked on opioids, too. Researchers tested mussels in 18 different areas of the sound, and three of those areas tested positive for oxycodone. And get this, the liberal hippie scientists in Washington state claim it’s not the addicts’ fault. Instead, they blame humans, who take oxy and then pee it out, and that pee makes it into Puget Sound, where the mussels absorb it.

The mussels say they just like to party and can quit any time they want, and they don’t care what you think about them.

That doggo ate-cho llama baby

People, pay attention to the link. If there’s another story headline that should shock you into utter panic and worry, then I don’t know what it could be.


Watch out Washingtonians (the state citizens, not the masochists of Barry)! It always starts out with a gigantic llama (when you’re short, all animals look gigantic, even the microscopic ones), then a massive killing spree that knows no boundaries, but eventually it turns horrifying.

To help emphasize the danger of the situation, a local constabulary spoke to the media.

Undersheriff Lavonne Webb told the AP the pack is ” killing for the sake of killing.”

There are some that might be a bit skeptical about such a claim. They fall in one of two categories:

1. Those that will be killed sooner rather than later.
2. Species traitors, through and through.