Craft beer’s war isn’t with Bud, it’s with bud

Washington state, Oregon and Colorado are home to some of the finest craft breweries in the country, but beer isn’t selling like it used to in those states, thanks to marijuana.

According to a new report, residents in those states are increasingly choosing weed over suds. Legalized marijuana has allowed more choices for those who want a buzz, which means people aren’t picking up as much craft beer as they used to. Data shows that beer sales haven’t matched expectations in the past two years, meanwhile, marijuana sales are high. (GET IT?)

But all this really means is that the brewery that makes a smokable beer will be  very rich.

Cops doing record job of finding stolen property, not finding the thief

It sucks mightily when your property gets stolen. Oh, how it burns! And may the devil take the soul of the brigand that took your stuff! Luckily, the police are there to get your stuff back for you. What they’re not there for, apparently, is to catch the culprit.

Wednesday night, a thief managed to sneak into a dealership and skedaddle off with a car. Of course, given that the dealership is located in Indianapolis, the car that was taken was the official pace car for the Indy 500. Yup. The car was later found in another county, totaled. The car stealer was not found in another county … or at all.

Also on Wednesday, a family came up to their cabin in Washington only to find that it was gone. Completely. Vamoosed. The police later found the cabin, but let’s be honest: if a cabin can be lifted up and taken away without a sign, it’s not a cabin, it’s a slightly large refrigerator box. As always, the perpetrator of the theft has yet to be found, presumably running around the country with the killer of Nicole Brown Simpson.

The brass age now turning into a wooden age

Last month, we told you about the declining sales of marijuana in Washington. Supply was up, prices were (in order to sell) down, but sales weren’t up.

Almost a month later, things haven’t gotten better.

One store has had to utterly slash prices on the herb, making very little money due to deals with local growers and taxes. The black market for weed is being blamed for the lack of profit, as prices for cheaper weed have been … well … cheaper. That’s right, the problems of society are being blamed on illegal drugs.

What’s old is new again.

Washington’s golden age of pot turning into brass age for sellers

People, we believe in the guiding hand of capitalism. It speaks and we listen. Thanks to capitalism, we no longer have Crystal Pepsi! And in the state of Washington, the people have spoken: they’ve got more than enough weed already.

It would seem that the supply of marijuana for the state has more than exceeded the demand for the drug, as prices for the plant are plummeting all over the state by legal sellers. According to one store owner, he’s buying stock at half the cost of what it was just four months ago.

What does this mean? We might see the end of a couple stores. You can blame the economic law of supply and demand, but we blame a store specializing in the weed version of Crystal Pepsi.

Paper beats rock, but golf club beats sword

It’s the set-up for every 80’s action movie: a brigand, nay, a robber has entered your convenience store. Even worse, the robber has a sword with him. It’s the worst nightmare of every 80’s convenience store owner in a movie. Luckily, this is as badass as it gets for the robber.

Miyo Koba, 89-year-old owner of a convenience store, walked in to a robber attempting to take her cash register. Let’s list how bad it got for the robber:

  • The villain unsheathes a sword. According to Koba, it looked like a toy.
  • Koba dropped to the ground, grabbed a golf club and whacked him on the legs with the club.
  • The robber ran off with the cash register, leaving his “weapon” at the scene.
  • He proceeded to lose his clothing after fleeing the store.
  • His escape vehicle? A bicycle.

The robber may have some stolen money, but when you’re riding around in your skivvies on a bicycle with a cash register, you certainly don’t have your dignity.

Just because you can doesn’t mean you should

  • Yes, you can live in the state of Washington. That doesn’t mean you should.
  • Yes, you can legally eat at Old Country Buffet. That doesn’t mean you should.
  • Yes, you can legally drink your own pee. That doesn’t mean you should.
  • Yes, you can do all three of the above things together. That doesn’t mean you should ever, ever, EVER do them. Any of them. Especially the third.

Car dealership can’t believe that crazy promotion it ran actually happened, doesn’t understand how football works

If you run a promotion that’s connected the game of football, you should probably understand how it works. For example, the Seattle Seahawks have had a very stingy defense this season. The New York Giants, on the other hand, have had an utterly piss-poor offense. When a top level rush defense collides with a bottom of the barrel rush offense, you tend to bet on the defense.

What you certainly don’t do is run a promotion where 12 people can split $420,000 if the Seahawks shut out the Giants. You run that promotion the following week when the Seahawks play the Arizona Cardinals and then you hobble a cornerback for the Seahawks, Nancy Kerrigan-style.

Terrifying story is terrifying.

Clowns. They’re freaky and just the vaguest bit creepy and John Wayne Gacy. There’s even been creepy clown events already in the year, when a clown began standing outside for no apparent reason, skeeving out our friends across the pond. That said, the clown never attacked anyone.

If only Taco Bell could be so lucky.

A man in a clown costume is alleged to have gotten into an argument with a man. In a Taco Bell drive-thru. And then hitting the man. In the Taco Bell parking lot. This all took place this past weekend in Battle Ground, Washington. In a Taco Bell.

Clowns are scary for people. Taco Bell is scary for your butthole. Is it any surprise that pairing the two will end in pain for someone?

Dance contract announced, kissing contract curiously absent

River Ridge High School, located in Lacey, Washington, has decided that enough is enough with these kids and their twerking. In a move potentially inspired by Footloose, a dance contract has been made public, and any student that attends school-sanctioned events MUST sign it if they want to get down and boogie.

The contract bans inappropriate dancing, giving some examples of such as any dancing taking place with a 45 degree bend, no lap dancing, and enforcement on feet remaining on the ground. Curiously, the school has been silent on where this contract originated. Given an insistence on specific degree measures and the banning of other dance types, we can only assume that this a conspiracy plot by the new axis of evil: Big Protractor, Big Strip Club and Big Swing Dance.

Turtleneck season opens

Once those babies' pubes grow in, this is what 60 percent of Western penises will look like in 20 years.
Once those babies’ pubes grow in, this is what 60 percent of Western penises will look like in 20 years.

The Center for Disease Control and Prevention reports that the U.S. circumcision rate has dropped significantly since its all-time high in 1979. While over half of all boys born in the U.S. were circumcised, only 40 percent got shafted Western states like Arizona, California, Oregon and Washington. And you know how these trends go: what’s hip in California will be derided by old people until they die and it becomes the new normal.

So, how did we return to pre-1979 levels of peniscaping? The last time we, as a nation, had foreskin, were knee-deep in fuel shortages, an economic slump, turbulence in the Middle East and a Democrat president that gave conservatives the rage shivers. It appears that the nation has traveled in a full circle, much like the expert cutting of a mohel.

Or, we can just blame hipsters and their selective anachronisms. Look for this accusation on a cover of Time or Newsweek near you.