Tag: washington

Head of altered state

If you were the leader of a country, what would you do? Would you be a noble leader? A benevolent dictator? Or would you be a notorious drunk and go on a bender while on foreign trips?

Former Russian Boris Yeltsin chose the latter. According to witnesses who are apparently just now releasing this story, a drunk Yeltsin was on a trip to Washington in 1995 when Secret Service police found him wandering around–at night–in his underwear–trying to get some pizza. Somehow the drunken bear made it past his own embassy’s security. Whoops.

(Thanks Chris!)

IT’S A CONSPIRACY!

I’ve gotta say, it must be fun to work in Microsoft’s legal department. Personally, I tend to gauge whether my day is enjoyable by whether it was busy or slow, and more often than, unfortunately, my days at work are very slow. Not so much over in Redmond, it seems. It appears to never be a dull day, though whether the majority of what they have to deal with are credible or crackpot, we’ll not know. We do know one thing, however: this lawsuit is of the latter characteristic.

Microsoft is being sued yet again for allegedly knowingly selling, and profiting off of, defective products. Up to bat is a fine gentleman from Oak Forest, Illinois, who had to pay $99 to get his X-box 360 fixed. Surprisingly, though, this time, though, it seems the Red Ring of Death is not to blame. Unfortunately, the plaintiff doesn’t know exactly what’s wrong with his system, because Microsoft refused to tell him.

The unnamed plaintiff is hoping for a class-action suit, along with monetary damages (of course) and for Microsoft to stop selling 360s until they fix their hardware issues. Yeah, which of those things do you think is a bit more possible than the other?

I wouldn’t automatically accuse Microsoft of purposefully making broken hardware, because I don’t think any major company would intentionally put out a defective product, but the failure rate of their consoles has been incredibly questionable. Whether it was simply a rush job, a lack of oversight, or something totally beyond their control, who knows, but whatever it is, a total injunction against selling the system is no way to correct the problem.

The McBournie Minute: I am better than Barack Obama

You have probably heard a bit about President Barack Obama’s date nights with, in breaking with a proud presidential tradition, his wife. Unless you live in the Washington, D.C. area, trust me, you’re not hearing the half of it. Obama loves going out on the town, even having strolls around the White House grounds with Michelle.

Some people are making a big deal out of this. (Democrats: “Aren’t they just so wholesome and romantic? It’s like the return of Camelot!”) (Republicans: “How DARE he spend time on his marriage? Taxpayer money is for overpaying on unsolicited government contracts!”) (Celebrity followers: “OHMYGOD, THERE THEY ARE!!!”) Even comedians like Jon Stewart are saying the 44th president is making him look bad in the eyes of his wife.

But what everyone seems to be missing is the point: I am better than Barack Obama.

Let’s put aside the whole “leader of the free world” title and compare man-to-man. Because you know what? Obama unzips his fly the same as I do when it’s time to take a leak. Let’s measure up. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: I am better than Barack Obama

Then again, there is the cost of gas to think about

Obviously a recession means people have less money and a rise in crime will occur. To help keep you safe this recession season, here’s a safety tip: if someone is stealing things inside your house, take their getaway vehicle.

That’s exactly what one man in Washington state did when two people broke into his house and tried stealing his electronics. The man was home when he heard burglars upstairs and called 911. He then noticed a van in his driveway with the engine running, so he took the van and drove off.

The burglars fled the house, most likely on foot, and were empty handed, since it’s hard to run from the scene of a crime carrying a flat panel television.

Puppy Gitmo is shut down

A woman faces arrest in Mount Vernon, Washington for failure to show up in court for the cruel abuse of four dogs. The other 439 policed seized from her property are apparently OK.

This story answers several questions:

  • The state of Washington is intentionally trying to confuse people by naming its landmarks after ones in the DC area.
  • Crazy dog-ladies do have favorites.

But then it raises others:

  • How bad were those dogs that they were able to single themselves out from 439 of their peers?
  • Is it cruelty if those dogs had information about the other 439’s terrierist connections?

History will judge this woman.

The McBournie Minute: Go away, tourists

I’ve mentioned from time to time on SeriouslyGuys that I am a resident of the Washington, D.C. metropolitan area. Yes, I live just outside of our nation’s capital, which means I can go downtown and look at big marble monuments you haven’t seen since sixth grade any time I want. I have the benefits of getting local news and national news basically happening in the same place.

Best of all, I can even tell someone where I live without them furrowing their brow and replying, “Where’s that?” (Eat it, Rick and Chugs!)

So in this first-ever afternoon edition of The McBournie Minute, I politely and respectfully ask all of you out there to stay the hell away from my town this month. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Go away, tourists

Unity. Togetherness. Solidarity. No clothing.

Nude figure models of the world unite! These are the things that guilds stand for-and you should be able to get them too. Seriously, because someone has started a guild for naked models in Washington D.C.. There is no worst case scenario. After all, you have nothing to lose-you already took your clothes off, right?

Sorry strippers, you’re not allowed in. You take your clothes off and put them on again far too often in a two minute period.

Amish plan to breed us out

In a move that must make abstinence-only education proponents proud, the Amish have boosted their human production by 130 percent over the past 16 years.

With their new numbers, they are now colonizing new states, including Arkansas, Colorado, Maine, Mississippi, Nebraska, Washington and West Virginia. If you live adjacent to any of these states, prepare to be invaded!

Should the Amishification of America continue unabated, mechanized construction equipment will become obsolete. Milk will be kind of yellowish. The barstools will be very nice. And a little thing called the Internet will become the exclusive playground of hedonisitic Europeans, Asians, Australians, Africans, South Americans, the rest of the North Americans and those weird Antarctagonists.

This blog, for one, welcomes our neckbearded overlords.

Flippered pirates on the west coast

Sea lions live up to their name as the lions of the sea. They prey on unsuspecting sea zebras and sea antelope, travel in prides and have been known to stalk and attack human children. Apparently, they are also known for their intellect.

A sea lion in Washington state illegally boarded a passenger vessel, probably intending to take the family on board as hostages and for money or a prisoner exchange. Luckily, after an hour long battle, the coup attempt was repelled, and the sea lion went back into the water.

The only problem is, it then let out its mighty sea lion roar and climbed up the boat’s ladder. The shoddy journalism of USA Today fails to tell us what happened after the family was re-boarded, we are left to assume that the U.S. Coast Guard came in and terminated the threat posed by the beast.

D.C. has dirty, dirty airports

A plane leaving from Washington, D.C. had more passengers than expected. While the story fails to mention from which of the three airports in the Greater Washington area took off from, we do know one thing: the region is dirty and so are its people.

That being said, it is not entirely humans’ fault on this one, several ticks stowed away on the plane, undoubtedly seeing a chance to attack passengers and crew members, possibly with hopes of taking over the plane until their demands were met.

Ladies and gentlemen, this country does not negotiate with terrorists, regardless of cause, background or species. We must all stand strong together to fight this evil. United, we can defeat TICKS ON A PLANE! (Yes, we are still making those jokes.)

In other news, you’re going to need a bigger boat.